5 Potential Blind Spots For This Current Generation of Parents

A Redditor wants to avoid making some of the same mistakes their parents made by identifying these blind spots now.

Fact checked by Sarah Scott

Blind spots. If you’re a parent—yes, even a good one (which you are if you’re here)—you likely have some. A recent Reddit thread gave way to a discussion about what this generation of parents may be missing. The goal? Not to shame but to try to bring awareness to potential blind spots and help kids in the process.

It started earlier this week in the Parenting subreddit.

“What blind spot(s) do you think we parents have these days?” writes u/Careless-Mirror3430. “I look back on some things and know my parents wish they knew their blind spots to teach us better. As a 90s kid, the biggest ones that come to mind are how our parents dealt with body image, perfectionism, and defining yourself by your job.”

If you know, you know.

“I’m trying to acknowledge and hopefully avoid some of those blind spots with my child, but it feels reactive,” the poster continues. “By that, I mean [that] my parents made these ‘mistakes’ (they really didn’t have models for anything else), and so I’m working to avoid those, but what about the ones I’m blind to and don’t have models for? I know it’s impossible to be a perfect parent (thanks, perfectionism), but what sorts of things are you looking out for?”

The answers were thoughtful, and we got mental health professionals to weigh in on whether the blind spot was indeed a blind spot. They also shared potential drawbacks of the blind spot and gave tips for parents on how to work on it. However, one big piece of advice before we start: Ditch the shame.

“You are human, and you are doing the best you can,” says Samantha Quigneaux, LMFT, the national director of family therapy services with Newport Healthcare. “Shame will not serve you or your child into making sustainable change or towards healing or growth. Shaming yourself will derail your own journey of mental health and wellness.”

Also, on the subject of perfectionism?

“It may also show your child that there is no room for mistake or missteps,” Quigneaux says.

In short, consider the advice below sans shame, and remember you know yourself and your child best.

Blindspot: Lack of Independent Play

Reddit comment: “I don't think children (of all ages) get enough independent play, and by that I mean without any adult supervision.”

Quigneaux can go either way on this one. On one hand, “Independent play and natural consequences for actions or behaviors are critical parts of individuation,” she says.

However, safety is also a valid concern for parents, especially if a child can access the Internet or social media. Quigneaux says this blind spot develops in well-meaning parents—they may be concerned about safety or “what ifs” or didn’t have parents who liked playing with them, so they want to be more involved.

However, it has pitfalls.

“Constantly supervising your child and shielding them from challenges can prevent them from developing self-confidence and competence,” Quigneaux says. “This behavior also limits a child's opportunity to learn from their mistakes, which is important for healthy growth and development. Overprotecting a child may also create anxiety, insecurity, and dependence, as they feel unprepared to face the world on their own.”

Tips for avoiding this blindspot

Independent play doesn’t have to mean out of sight or out of mind. Quigneaux says children can be within view when they are young, but they should take a beat before intervening.

“If a disagreement surfaces, let them try to manage it on their own without your involvement and welcome collaborative problem-solving,” Quigneaux says.

The work-up to no-supervision play can be progressive and based on a child’s development.  “Allow small freedoms and opportunities for independence over time,” Quigneaux says.

Blindspot: Overscheduling

Reddit comment: “We push over scheduling and structure on the child so they don’t get to make their own systems and practice their own autonomy. Saturdays used to mean hours of free play where the kid got to practice decision-making and have an appropriate arena to make mistakes. Now, it’s filled with organized sports and events with downtime in front of a screen.”

Overscheduling can also interfere with independent play. In a recent LEGO survey, more than half (57%) of parents said their children spent more time on activities like sports and academics over the last three years, and this often comes at the expense of unstructured play.

Additionally, it can take away from downtime and rest, which can affect mental health. Parents may reach this blind spot for various reasons, from being busy themselves and needing the childcare after-school activities provide, to other pressures.

“For instance, they may overschedule their kids out of the fear that they won’t otherwise be seen as good parents,” says Aurisha Smolarski, LMFT, a certified co-parenting coach and author of Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids: The Attachment Theory Guide to Raising Kids in Two Homes. “Or, they may be overcompensating for something they didn’t get in their own childhood. Some may simply be trying to keep up with the Joneses.”

Tips for avoiding this blindspot

Love schedules?

“Schedule time every day for your child to unwind with free-play activities, like drawing, playing with blocks, playing at the park, hiking, reading books that are not assigned as homework, and unstructured activities that allow them to interact with peers and to choose their own adventure,” Smolarski says.

Speaking of choose-their-own adventure, Smolarski suggests tuning in to your child.

“Ask if they really want to do that cooking class you found or that additional dance class,” Smolarski says. “Often, a child will let you know they feel overscheduled if you take the time to ask them and listen. They will tell you if they feel it is safe to express what they need.”

Listen to yourself, too—tune into your body or the voice in your head to see if it’s telling you “enough.”

“If you feel you have to squeeze everything in and are running around to one activity after another, and you’re exhausted, there’s a good chance your child is too,” Smolarski says.

Blindspot: Too Much Handholding

Reddit comment: “Recently, my 8-year-old was asking me for all his snacks. I talked with him and told him that he’s 8 years old, almost nine, and he can grab his own snacks.”

Quigneaux says the question of whether parents are doing too much is a hot topic.

“The short answer is yes,” Quigneaux says. “There is so much pressure on parents to create well-rounded children while also providing unconditional love. We need to deeply consider that this 'too much' is often coming from a place of love and wanting to provide safety. Parents often put so much pressure on themselves to absolve their children of any pain, pressure, or anguish.”

Parents’ hearts are in the right place, but Quigneaux gently urges people to consider some pitfalls.

“The child won’t learn how to be self-sufficient, responsible, or productive,” she says. “They may always require your presence when doing things, like homework, which can get exhausting for you and stifling for them. This can also impact future relationships and the way in which the child learns how to relate to or depend on others. “

How to avoid this blindspot

Just like you can say no to party invites if you feel your family is overscheduled, you can say no to getting your child a snack if they’re old enough to make their own.

“An 8-year-old can get up and get their own snack,” Quigneaux says. “A 13-year-old should have the ability to get their homework done without you sitting right next to them. A child establishing some independence is an important part of healthy development.”

Blindspot: Relying on Parenting 'Experts'

Reddit comment: “The obsession with parenting ‘experts.’ We have outsourced parenting to ‘experts’ because we’re so disconnected from parenting as a learned skill. We think that we must be idiots and only experts have anything valuable to say. Pregnant? Get [this] app. Newborn? Track their poop, pee, sleep, food, burps, wake windows, gas, eye movement, and whatever else on [an app]. Have you followed this account on Instagram? Have you consulted this checklist, paid for this consultant, or bought this course?”

A 2023 survey by C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health found that 80% of parents with children ages 4 and younger used social media to talk about parenting. Toilet training (44%), sleep issues (42%), nutrition/lactation (37%), and discipline (37%) are the top reasons parents head to social media for advice. The short of it is that parents are trying to do the right thing.

“As busy parents who want to do our best, it is easy to fall into the trap of listening to others instead of our own intuition,” says Abbey Sangmeister, MS. Ed, LPC, a licensed therapist.

Becoming a parent taps into a whole new vulnerability. “We hold another’s life in our hands, and our heart is now outside of our body. Parents want to do better and strive to be perfect parents—there is no perfect parent,” Sangmeister explains.

Enter experts. To be clear, taking advice and considering new perspectives isn’t problematic.

“We can learn and take in the education from these experts, but we also need to listen to ourselves and our gut instinct because we know our child best,” Sangmeister says.

How to avoid this blindspot

First, not all “experts” are created equal.

“There are some amazing parenting experts out there, and then there are some with no credentials that parents follow blindly because they are great at influencing,” Sangmeister says.

But if you feel like you’re following a book of someone else’s rules about your own child, it may be something to work on.

“Create time and space for reflection,” Sangmeister says.

She suggests asking yourself:

• Is there really a problem here, or am I just doing things differently than another parent?

• Is my child growing and flourishing?

• Is my child happy?

• Why don’t I trust myself?

• Is this “expert” only trying to sell me something, and what are their credentials?

• Am I reacting or responding to my own childhood struggles or traumas?

“Use these questions as a gauge for where you are in your parenting journey,” Sangmeister says. If you are feeling triggered or struggling to break cycles, working with a therapist is a great way to unpack and process thoughts and feelings so you can connect with your intuitive side.”

Blindspot: Mental Health Approach

Reddit comment: “We’ve gone so far in the ‘your emotions are valid’ direction that we’ve somehow forgotten to emphasize the skill of assessing whether the emotion is in step with the situation (both for ourselves and our children. I see a lot of parents whose own anxiety is not well controlled). You can feel sad/nervous/angry but not actually be in danger or wronged.”

Quigneaux says the intention is sound, but the execution can get slippery.

“Validation is not the same as agreement,” Quigneaux says. “Just because we are validating our child’s emotions does not mean we agree with their behavior or even reasoning. And the truth is, their feelings are just that—theirs. If we want to help children assess the situation, we must also understand their initial reaction and then help them to take stock of other applicable emotions.”

Quigneaux says children may struggle to manage expectations or feel confused and frustrated when the rest of the world doesn’t validate them like their parents. Children may also have issues holding themselves accountable.

How to avoid this blindspot

Again, it’s about execution.

“We can validate emotions even when they run contrary to how we 'think' our child should be responding to something,” Quigneaux says.

Say a child is upset about being asked to do a chore.

“They may throw a fit and yell and scream,” Quigneaux says. “It is important that a parent stays calm and does not match their child’s outbursts. Then, they can express, ‘I know this is not what you would like to do, and I also really appreciate you being an active member of this household.’ We can also explain to the child that expressing feelings is encouraged, but doing so does not mean they will get what they want or change their parent’s perspective.”

For more Parents news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Parents.