5 Little Ways to Show Up for a Friend Who’s Depressed

Jenna Ryu
·7 min read

Marie Bertrand/Getty Images

We all want to see our friends happy and thriving. But when someone close to you is dealing with depression, it can be hard to figure out the best way to support them.

Unless you’re a therapist, it makes sense to assume that you’re not equipped to make a real difference. Maybe you’re struggling to find the right words to bring up your concerns (like noticing your pal is less bubbly than usual) without seeming nosy. Or, perhaps you’re clueless about how to comfort them without resorting to clichéd phrases (“Don’t worry, things will get better!”).

People can experience depression symptoms in different ways, Alexandra Vlahakes, PsyD, a Boston-based therapist specializing in depression and the owner of Harmony Psychology, tells SELF. “If they’re more socially withdrawn, reaching out less, or not engaging in hobbies they usually enjoy, they could be feeling depressed,” Dr. Vlahakes says. Other common signs include experiencing persistent emptiness, hopelessness, or fatigue for at least two weeks.

The most common treatments for depression are therapy, medication, or a combination of both. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you, as a friend, can do to support your pal’s mental health. Here, therapists share some simple, practical ways to show up for a loved one during these low points.

1. Bring up your concerns in a non-confrontational, non-judgmental way.

Maybe you sense something’s off with your pal, or they’ve dropped subtle hints (like rarely leaving their apartment). Perhaps they’ve even straight-up told you they’re dealing with depression.

Regardless of the specific situation, all of the experts we spoke with say it’s important to voice your concerns gently. “Start by letting them know that you appreciate them talking about this, or that you’re here to listen if there’s something they want to talk about,” Dr. Vlahakes says. Discussing depression can feel awkward at first, especially if your friend hasn’t brought it up directly, so she also suggests saying something like, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been as responsive to my texts, and that seemed unlike you. Is everything okay?” Or, “You seemed a little down the last time I saw you, so I wanted to check in about how you’re doing.”

Approaching this sensitive topic with empathy and curiosity can help your friend feel more supported—and less judged, Dr. Vlahakes says. And hopefully, they’ll also feel more comfortable opening up to you about what they’re going through—and less isolated—as a result, she adds.

2. Talk less and listen more.

When your friend shares their struggles with you, it might be tempting to swoop in with a bunch of quick fixes. Therapy! Self-help books! A brisk walk outside! But you should hold off on the unsolicited advice, Lauren Moy, PhD, clinical psychologist specializing in depressive disorders at Madison Park Psychological Services in New York, tells SELF.

“It’s not uncommon to launch into problem-solving mode when you see your friend suffering,” Dr. Moy says. As well-meaning as this approach is, though, “these suggestions, even from loved ones, might come off as judgmental or give the impression that they’re not trying ‘hard enough’ to manage their symptoms.” For instance, seemingly “easy” remedies—like stepping outside or hanging out together—can actually feel like herculean tasks for a person who can barely get out of bed, Dr. Moy says.

So, instead of trying to cheer them up ASAP, just hear them out when they open up. “A lot of us want to feel accepted no matter what, and listening to your friend who’s depressed sends an implicit message that you acknowledge them as they are,” Dr. Vlahakes says. Something along the lines of, “I’m so happy you’re sharing this with me” can go a long way in showing you’re present and supportive, she adds.

Another way to make them feel heard: Echo back what they’ve just said with something like, “It sounds like you’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I’m sorry that’s been so difficult.” Doing this, Dr. Vlahakes says, lets them know you’re really, truly listening—and not just mindlessly nodding along.

3. Keep inviting or including them in plans—even if they don’t respond.

Someone who’s depressed may decline your calls, ignore your texts, or cancel plans at the last second. But don’t just give up: Both experts say it’s important to continue inviting your pal to Sunday morning brunches, say, or keeping them in the group chat. Here’s why:

When you make the effort to include them, “it sends an implicit communication that the friendship matters and is valued,” Dr. Vlahakes says, which can be a comforting reminder to anyone feeling lonely or isolated. It’s also a good idea to suggest some low-commitment activities that they may be more open to, per Dr. Moy: If they’re turning down dinners or friends trips, for example, consider asking them to go on a walk in their neighborhood, say, or perhaps to just chill at their house.

4. Offer to help out with household chores or errands.

Depression can make all the little things—grocery shopping, cleaning, walking the dog—feel impossible. That’s why offering to lend a hand with everyday tasks can take a huge weight off their already burdened shoulders, Dr. Vlahakes says.

If you have the time, you can offer to help them out with bigger chores, like tidying up their apartment or taking care of their week-old laundry. But you don’t have to go above and beyond to make a difference. Some gestures that may be pretty low-effort for you—yet incredibly meaningful for them—include dropping off their favorite coffee when you know they haven’t left their apartment for days, or bringing leftovers from last night’s big-batch dinner if there’s nothing in their fridge.

Just make sure you’re only doing what you can without burning yourself out, Dr. Vlahakes adds. This brings us to our last tip…

5. Come up with a list of affordable, nearby treatment options.

No matter how much you care about your depressed pal, remember that there’s only so much you can do because, at the end of the day, “you are their friend—not their therapist,” Dr. Moy says. “You can be supportive and listen and let them know they’re loved, but you also need to take care of yourself.”

One way to show your support while also maintaining those boundaries is to (gently) encourage them to talk to a mental health professional, if they’re not seeing one already—which is especially important if there’s any concern about their safety. (If your loved one has alluded to having suicidal thoughts, for instance, or harming themselves or others, Dr. Vlahakes recommends calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988).

Even if there’s no immediate threat, a therapist can offer personalized and evidence-based strategies to help them manage their symptoms. You obviously can’t force someone to see a pro, but if your pal isn’t totally opposed to the idea or has expressed some sort of interest, you can make the process a little easier for them by finding local providers or support groups.

One way to do this is by browsing through Psychology Today, GoodTherapy, Therapy Den, and thero.org for nearby therapists specializing in depression. The Health Resources & Services Administration also has a database of health centers that offer low-cost, sliding-scale, or even completely free care. (For more resources, you can check out SELF’s guide to finding an affordable therapist.)

Managing depression can feel like an uphill battle, and while you can’t magically make your friend’s symptoms disappear, your reassuring words, genuine concern, and practical support can be a source of strength as they work through their lowest points. And just reading this article shows that you’re already taking the necessary steps to help them feel better.

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Originally Appeared on SELF