14 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Children When You're Both Getting Triggered

Mother in a tense conversation with her adult child, both getting triggered

Even when your children have grown into adulthood, miscommunications and arguments can still happen. At times, there can be certain topics that can leave you both feeling “triggered,” and you may not know how to diffuse the situation so you can both feel calmer. But what does it mean exactly when someone is triggered? And if you feel a fight coming on, how can you de-escalate the situation and keep your bond strong in the process?

What Does It Mean When Someone is “Triggered”?

Licensed marriage and family therapist Andrea Dindinger says that being triggered refers to experiencing emotional upset, anger or fear, resulting in a state of emotional contraction or “feeling squeezed.” 

Kaitlin Soule, LMFT and author of A Little Less Of A Hot Mess, says that when somebody is triggered, it’s typically because an event has happened that reminds them of something that happened in the past that was problematic or difficult.

Dindinger points out that getting triggered can be an everyday occurrence that affects all individuals to varying degrees, but embracing triggers as part of the human experience can allow you to become more empathic, understanding and accepting of yourself and others.

In other words? Even if both you and your adult child are feeling triggered during a conversation, it can be an opportunity for each of you to better yourselves.

Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros

What Are Some Things That Can Trigger Both You and Your Adult Children?

Dindinger says that some topics that can be triggering between parents and their adult children include politics, discussing how your child is or is not taking care of themselves, telling your child how they should or shouldn’t do something, giving unsolicited advice and criticizing them about anything. 

“There is no end to the ways a parent can trigger their adult child,” Dindinger says. “In our relationships with our families, even when both people are adults, when we gather together, everyone regresses to their emotionally immature selves. It takes a lot of effort to resist the unconscious behaviors and ways we interact with each other and ourselves, leaving tons of room for getting triggered.” 

It's also easy to feel triggered around the things we care about the most, or the things that influence our feelings of safety and connection, as Soule notes. She adds that conversations about child rearing, recalling memories and moments from the past differently, discussing personal or career choices, letting go of or adopting new family traditions, holidays, religion and moving away from home can also act as triggers for arguments.

Related: 7 Phrases To Ask for Support, According to a Therapist

14 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Children When You're Both Getting Triggered

1. “Hey, I need to pause this conversation. I’ll circle back to you when I feel more relaxed.”

Dindinger says that this statement communicates that you know how to take care of yourself by pausing when you’re upset and triggered. “Then, it allows for the conversation to continue being discussed, but when you’re more relaxed and hopefully aware of what is upsetting you,” she explains.

2. “I hear you, and I believe you.”

Soule says that at the end of the day, we all want to feel seen and heard. So, even if you don't necessarily agree with the person you're in a conversation with, it can be so powerful to just acknowledge that their feelings are real and valid, even if your feelings are different.

3. “We’re not connecting right now. I want to connect, but now is not the time.”

Use this phrase to communicate that you want to connect with your adult child while simultaneously saying that you’re not connecting. You can say this phrase instead of trying to force a connection. 

“Any time you can express what’s happening from a nonjudgmental and curious frame of mind, the tension smooths out because it’s both authentic and respectful,” Dindinger says.

4. “That's not how I meant to make you feel, but I understand that my intent was different than the impact. I'm sorry for that.”

“This phrase is all about taking ownership,” Soule says. “Adult children know that their parents can't change things that happened in the past—what they want is for their parents to take ownership over the part they played in the event, even if they didn't intend for it to be hurtful or harmful. Acknowledging that we're all human and we all make mistakes, even when they're unintentional, can be a big step toward moving the conversation forward in a positive way.”

5. “We see things so differently. And it doesn’t mean I love you any less. Let’s take a break.”

This phrase shows love and respect and allows room for differences. Dindinger says that these are vital ingredients to any healthy relationship.

6. “You're allowed to disagree. You're a grown adult, but I will not allow you to talk to me in a way that is hurtful or disrespectful. Let’s take a minute to reset.”

“This phrase is making space for two things to be true,” Soule says. “Your child is allowed to disagree or have their feelings, but they're not allowed to talk to you in a way that is hurtful. Asking for a minute to reset instead of hanging up or dropping the conversation is a graceful and kind way to set a boundary.”

Related: 9 Phrases That Train Others to Treat You Well, According to Psychologists

7. “I respect that we have different views, but we’re just going in circles. Let’s change the topic.”

Dindinger says that this phrase shows respect and care, and instead of stopping the conversation, you can discuss something else that’s a little less controversial.

8. “This conversation is hard for me, and it sounds like it may be hard for you, too. Do you want to take a minute, or come back to it at a time when we're both feeling calmer?”

Soule says, “This statement is a good one for when you notice both of you are feeling triggered. Perhaps voices are being raised, tears are falling or harsh words are being used.

In saying something along those lines, you are joining with your child without making a big assumption about the way they feel and moving toward connection instead of away. It's also a great way to stop a conversation if you feel like it's not the right time and place, when emotion is high and cognition is low.”

9. “I love you, and while I may not fully understand your choice, you will always have my support.”

This phrase may not be the easiest one to say, but Soule says these are powerful words to use when you're feeling like you aren't going to be able to get to a place of common ground. This allows for you to remain authentic and also stay true to your parental commitment to respect and love your child for who they are.

10. “I’m fighting with you, but I don’t want to fight with you.”

Dindinger says that this trigger can happen very quickly when adult children come home and either aren’t helping with tasks or are not spending time with you. 

She says, “Instead of asking for what you need to get the connection you desire, often it’s easier to fight with your loved one because fighting is a form of connection. It’s just not as healthy as hugs and clear communication about your needs. When you use this phrase, you are owning your behavior and creating safety in the relationship.”

11. “I just told you what to do, and I realize you didn’t ask for my opinion. Let me take that back. I trust you to know what is best for you.”

“Offering an unsolicited opinion is something all parents are guilty of at some point,” Dindinger says. “When you see your adult child struggling, it’s hard to fight the impulse to offer advice and try to fix the problem. This undermines the adult child and what they are capable of handling. When you use this phase, you are walking yourself back to your side of the fence, making it much more likely that they will reach out for your opinion in the future—and communicating confidence in their ability to handle what comes their way in life.”

12. “I’m criticizing you. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

We can all agree that as humans, we’re wired to look for mistakes as a form of self-defense. As parents, when you criticize your adult child about the length of their hair or skirt, as Dindinger says, you are trying to protect them from other people judging them, but in reality, all they feel is judged by you, their parent who is supposed to love them unconditionally.

“Using this phrase allows you to acknowledge what you were unconsciously doing and then repair the damage you caused,” Dindinger says. “Having someone take responsibility and accountability for their actions and then apologize is incredibly powerful and wonderful to model for your adult child.”

13. “I’m going to step outside and get a fresh breath. I’m frustrated and getting upset, so I’m going to take a break. I’ll be back.”

Dindinger says that using this phase communicates that you know how to take care of yourself emotionally and that you are not going to cut off the relationship just because you are upset. She explains, “So often, when frustration happens, the instinct is to cut off the relationship as a way to be safe. This causes incredible insecurity in the adult child, which is why saying you will be back is powerful and kind.”

14. “I'm right here with you, and we will get through this.”

Soule says that this is a simple, short, sweet yet powerful phrase.

“Essentially, it's reminding the person you love so dearly that even though this moment feels hard, you believe there is a way through,” she observes. “So often, parents of adult children feel like they're being put on the defensive in difficult conversations, and that can be incredibly triggering. If you find yourself being pulled to defend yourself or prove a point, stop, pause and remember that, no matter the age, you still have the opportunity to repair and be a sturdy leader for your child.”

Next up, learn 18 phrases to use with your adult kids that will transform your relationship.

Sources

• Andrea Dindinger, licensed marriage and family therapist

• Kaitlin Soule, LMFT and author of A Little Less Of A Hot Mess