I'm A New Dad, And Here Are The 13 Things I Wish Someone Told Me Before Embarking On This Journey
Becoming a new father opens up a whole new world in your life.
I'm sure you've heard the sayings, read the cute poems, and scrolled through the in-depth social media captions before. Or maybe you haven't, and this is your first time reading up on what it's like.
There really is nothing like it. And they say nothing can prepare you for fatherhood, but I'd like to say that's not true.
However, when your baby does arrive, everything isn't going to go by the book. There will be challenges and tribulations, but to think there's nothing that can at least help you is false. Watching some of my other dad friends in their first couple months, and reading certain studies and books definitely went a long way when it came to raising my son.
Every baby is different, but we're all much more alike than we like to believe. All babies need love, guidance, acceptance, patience, and protection.
Being a new dad isn't easy, but it's worth it. Based on my own experience, here are 13 things I think every new father needs to know.
1.Be your partner's rock.
Before your partner gives birth, the idea is that when it's done, you'll both head home and start raising your baby together as reasonable, thoughtful, and competent adults. While this may be true in some cases, there's something many men forget.
Unless your partner has been in a bad car accident, lost an organ, or survived some other agonizing experience, their first time giving birth is likely the most physically and emotionally traumatic thing that has ever happened to them. After this, they will need time to heal mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Be your partner's rock. Don't expect your partner to be able to just roll back into life effortlessly, take charge of your household duties, and step up to do things you may not typically do. Advocate for your partner, especially at those first couple of doctor's appointments. Stand up for her when it comes to family members or friends that may be a little too much to handle at such a sensitive time. Allow her to be sad, angry, confused, or all three without judgment. Be a leader, one with grace and understanding.
2.Pick one task, and stick to it.
As the dad, in the beginning, you're going to feel pretty useless when it comes to taking care of your baby. The baby needs two things really: sleep and milk (or formula). If your partner is breastfeeding, she will essentially be the exclusive force your child needs for life. When the baby wakes every two hours to eat, it's mom who needs to feed the infant. However, there's something you can do to feel more involved.
Pick one task, and stick to it. For me, it was changing diapers. For the first couple of months, commit to that task and try to do it every time you can. I've had friends who didn't breastfeed, so the dad stuck to pump and bottle cleanup. I've seen others entirely dedicate themselves to laundry, groceries, and dishes. Whatever you decide on, make sure to make it a priority for those first few months.
3.Have a pamper party.
A pamper party is essentially a baby shower for guys, and is a cheap and fun way to stock up on diapers. Here's how it works. Let's say you invite 15 guys to the party. You have five guys each bring one box of diapers (one box of 140 diapers is about $45) of your choice that are size 0. Another five guys each bring diapers in size 1. Then the final five guys each bring diapers in size 2. Now you will have a ton of diapers that grow with your baby as they age. We had about 500 diapers in each size, and didn't have to buy any until my son was about 9 months old...the savings were wild. Plus, my friends brought enough beer and snacks to keep me going for the entire first two months.
4. Buy a push present for your partner.
push gifts should def be normalized… it might not be as extravagant as a new car for every couple but i don’t see why a man wouldn’t want to give his woman a bit of appreciation for risking her life to safely deliver his baby
— c.o.🪐 (@cychlone) May 21, 2022
A push present is a gift you give your partner after they give birth. It doesn't have to be anything fancy (but it also could be, if you're into that kind of thing). The gift could be a pendant with your newborn's name or birthdate, a new super comfy bathrobe for lounging, or a postpartum massage. The price doesn't matter, just be thoughtful. A logical present like a heating pad made especially for new moms to soothe those sore places can really go a long way.
5.Try the shift method instead of tackling everything together.
At first, I thought I wanted to wake up every time my partner did for morale support. After a few weeks, we learned this is kind of pointless. You both end up overtired as hell. Try working the shift method, which means one person gets to sleep while the other takes care of the baby. If your partner is breastfeeding, she may have night shifts. That means dad can (try) to sleep through the night and take care of the baby during the day, while mom sleeps. She may still need to wake every couple of hours to breastfeed, but at least she can return to bed and dad can take the lead from there.
6.Keeping score is inevitable, but try not to bring it up.
We all like to think we're not going to keep score, but sometimes you can't help it. At some point, you may feel like you're doing more than your partner. And you just may be. Unless it's something that is persistent or becoming normalized overall, just drop it. Don't even bring it up. The idea that things are going to be a 50/50 split regularly is ridiculous. There may be entire months where you're doing a lot of heavy lifting, only for things to shift to your partner taking on most of the load for the next few months. If it becomes hard to bear, sit and talk with your partner about why you feel overwhelmed and what you both can do to help each other be better parents.
7.Learn how everything works.
Don't depend on your partner to be the only person that knows how the bottle sanitizer works, or how to clean and sterilize a breast pump. From the car seat and stroller, to the breast pump and changing table, make sure you know how everything works.
8.Try to work out.
Even if you've never really been active before, now is a good time to start. Take time out of your day to work out, just for half an hour. You can do push-ups and jumping jacks while watching The Sopranos. Or you can ride your bike or go jogging around the block. You can even just buy a punching bag for your backyard and go to town for 30 minutes (highly recommended, the workout will have you gassed). You'd be surprised at how a quick exercise can really help deal with stress and grogginess. It can make you a better, more patient parent.
9.Read books and studies.
I often hear people say, "No book can prepare you for parenthood." And while I agree that experience can be the best teacher, I still highly suggest you read some material. There are a lot of great tips, advice, first-person stories, and studies out there that will at least help keep you up to date with parenting. You may have questions about when to introduce TV and iPads, or how to pack a Hospital Bag for the delivery room. Personally, I loved We're Pregnant! The First-Time Dad's Pregnancy Handbook. But don't forget to be flexible: Take what you read as a guideline and not as a hard rule.
10.Read your baby books.
Reading for your own knowledge is great, but reading to your baby is even better. We started reading to our son at a month of age, and continue to read several books to him every day. Endless studies, articles, and doctors will tell you about the benefits of reading to your baby: It helps with comprehension, learning to speak and read, assists with identifying words to objects, and much more. Plus, it's a great moment to just sit down and spend some quality time with your infant.
11.It can be an overwhelming time for new dads, but your happiness and well-being matter. Take time for yourself.
Take a moment to praise yourself. You're a great dad and an amazing partner. A lot of your time is going to taking care of mom and the baby (as it should), but make sure to pour into your own cup when you can. Find a moment to do what you enjoy. Stream that movie you always wanted to watch. Play some video games. Go shoot some hoops at the park or go swimming for a couple of hours. You won't have a ton of time to indulge in these things, but make sure you're doing a least a little bit to maintain your mental health and happiness.
12.Also, give momma some time to herself.
Dedicate some time to let mom be fully baby-free for a few hours. Send her to the movies or for a pedicure. She may even just want to walk around Target for a while. Tell her to go hang out with her friends for lunch. She may not want to part from her baby, but she needs to for just a little bit. Help her recharge. It's important that momma finds a meaning and purpose to life outside of being a mom. Her mental health and happiness are also of utmost importance.
13.And lastly, don't be scared to mess up.
I love my dad; he was my superhero growing up. As an adult, I can look back at some things now and see the cracks in the armor. My dad made mistakes, but he was always present and protective. Don't be scared to mess up, because most of the time, your kid doesn't even notice. It's your own thoughts that mess with your head, seeing things from an adult perspective. Your child will be happy if you're present and make them feel safe. You got this.
