13 Signs You Might Be Considered an 'Emotionally Unavailable' Person, According to Psychologists

Beth Ann Mayer
·8 min read
3

Woman who's feeling emotionally unavailable is hiding her face behind her hands

Your calendar is clear. You're sitting on the couch next to that special someone, or perhaps you're locking eyes across a table at your go-to restaurant.

Yet, you could be giving off serious vibes that your mind, and perhaps heart, are in a totally different universe. There might be signs you're emotionally unavailable—an issue that can cause big-time relationship woes.

"Emotional unavailability can be challenging to navigate in a relationship, as it can hinder the deep emotional connection that many people seek," says Dr. Rachel Needle, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist and the co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes.

Learning you're emotionally unavailable can bring up dreaded big feelings. However, experts share that knowing the telltale signs can empower you to work on the issue and improve your relationships with others (and even yourself).

Related: 15 Signs You're Married to an Emotionally Unavailable Husband, According to Experts

What Is an Emotionally Unavailable Person Like?

Emotionally unavailable people have trouble relating or opening up to others, explains Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a psychologist. 

"For many emotionally unavailable individuals, this mode of socially interacting comes from prior social experiences where being emotionally available was met with negativity," Dr. Frank says.

For example, an emotionally unavailable person may have grown up in a family that frowned upon expressing feelings—particularly ones like sadness or anger.

"The child in these situations then learns to suppress their emotions or avoid them altogether," Dr. Frank says.

As a result, people who are emotionally unavailable may prioritize independence.

"Emotionally unavailable people often prioritize their independence, feeling uncomfortable relying on others or being relied upon emotionally," says Dr. Danielle Roeske, PsyD, MS, the vice president of residential services for Newport Healthcare. "This stance may be seen as a way of self-preservation for them, shielding themselves from vulnerability and potential hurt."

The kicker? Emotionally unavailable people show emotions, especially at first.

"They may appear charismatic, funny, entertaining and likable," says Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., LP, a licensed psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC. "The fact that they attract emotionally available people comes as no surprise. Assuming that a person possessing such desirable traits would make a great partner is what baits you. Once you enter the relationship, you struggle to connect on a deeper level."

Are you the one (unintentionally) doing the baiting? 

Related: 7 Phrases To Ask for Support, According to a Therapist

13 Red Flags You're Giving Off Signals That You're Emotionally Unavailable

1. Emotions feel uncomfortable and distressing

Someone who is emotionally unavailable prefers to feel anything but their feelings.

"Due to early life experiences, the person did not learn the skills necessary to understand and appropriately navigate their emotions," Dr. Frank says.

2. Avoidance of emotional conversations

Emotionally unavailable people have a hard time coping with emotions internally. Talking about them with someone else poses an even bigger problem.

"Emotionally unavailable individuals often steer clear of discussions related to their feelings, emotions or the future of the relationship," Dr. Needle says. "They may deflect, change the subject or become defensive when such conversations arise."

Dr. Needle says this habit serves as a guardrail against feeling or appearing vulnerable.

Related: 35 Powerful Phrases When You Need Emotional and Spiritual Repair and Relief

3. Inconsistent behavior

If your mood is more unpredictable than the weather in March, it may be a flag.

"A person might exhibit a pattern of being warm and engaged one moment and distant and aloof the next, making it hard to predict their emotional availability," Dr. Roeske says. "Emotional interactions with unfamiliar people can evoke feelings of anxiety and an aloof or disinterested presentation."

4. Commitment phobia

Commitments represent long-term emotional investments—often a big no-go for people who struggle with feelings. Dr. Roeske says people may unintentionally sabotage relationships as milestones like engagements, exclusivity or more intimacy become seemingly stronger possibilities. 

However, Dr. Leno adds that even small requests can feel like steep hills to climb.

"An emotionally unavailable [person] may not be interested in committing to a dinner date, as they would rather play it by ear," Dr. Leno says.

5. Passive aggressive responses

Instead of direct communication, Dr. Leno says a person who is emotionally unavailable will take passive-aggressive jabs. Think "just a friendly reminder" that's not really friendly.

"The goal has nothing to do with hurting [someone] and everything to do with maintaining [a] safe distance," Dr. Leno says.

Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist

6. Doing the bare minimum

In an effort to protect themselves, Dr. Needle says emotionally unavailable people may only put minimal effort into a relationship. This red flag may look like ditching relationship-building activities like cuddling on the couch or planning (or attending) a dinner date to celebrate a milestone anniversary.

7. Sharing limited personal information

Have you shared important details about your past with a partner or a friend you consider close? While it's natural to keep some things squarely in the past, not opening up and sharing details about yourself can be a sign you're not making yourself emotionally available.

"It makes it challenging for their partner to get to know them on a deeper level," Dr. Needle says.

8. Short fuse

Bottling up your feelings can backfire.

"The trouble with holding in emotions is that the energy associated with those emotions does not simply go away," Dr. Frank says. "It has to go somewhere. For many of these individuals, once that internal emotional energy becomes too much, they explode in either an anxiety attack or an angry outburst."

Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying 'It's OK' When It's Really Not OK, According to Psychologists

9. Prioritizing independence

Wanting "me" time is healthy. Wanting to be so independent that you neglect important relationships in your life, however, can be concerning.

"They highly value their independence, often avoiding relying on others or allowing themselves to be relied upon emotionally," Dr. Roeske says. "They can struggle to consider the needs or desires of others with a focus on maintaining their own emotional safety and security."

10. Limited expression of vulnerability

At the heart of emotionally unavailable habits? A fear of being vulnerable.

"They have difficulty showing vulnerability and might have a fear of being hurt emotionally," Dr. Roeske says. "They may struggle to know how to articulate their feelings, even if there is a desire, furthering the compulsion to pull away."

11. Getting defensive easily

If your default response is to shift blame to anyone, it can be a sign of emotional unavailability.

"An emotionally unavailable partner tends to respond in a defensive way," Dr. Needle says.

Related: 11 Phrases That Emotionally Immature People Often Say, According to Mental Health Experts

12. Physical pain

Emotional health can affect a person physically.

"When a person does not find appropriate ways to release emotional energy, that energy can manifest in other ways, such as increased bodily pains," Dr. Frank says. "A person might seemingly randomly develop back pains or headaches, but one possible reason for their origin is the holding in of emotions."

13. Eye contact

We know emotionally available people often avoid feelings (and discussions about them) and commitments. You can add eye contact to that list too.

"Maintaining eye contact can be a very personal connection," Dr. Frank says. "Individuals who struggle with emotional availability might feel uncomfortable being seen, and consistent eye contact can give the feeling that the other individual can see past their defenses against the emotions."

Related: Psychologists Explain How To Fight If You Have Different Attachment Styles

How To Become More Emotionally Available

1. Perform a self-assessment

You have to know something is up to fix it. If the above emotionally unavailable signs sound like you, Dr. Leno suggests taking a hard look at when these behaviors started and how they've helped or held you back.

"Be honest and state your thoughts aloud as if you're speaking to an audience," Dr. Leno says. "This is a handy strategy that could lead you to your eureka moment."

2. Practice vulnerability

Vulnerability is challenging, but practicing it will help you become more emotionally available. Start slow.

"Gradually start sharing your thoughts and feelings with people you trust," Dr. Needle says. "Begin with small steps and build up to more significant disclosures."

The idea is to build trust.

"Trust is essential in overcoming emotional unavailability, so choose people who have shown themselves to be supportive and non-judgmental," Dr. Needle says.

Related: Want to Display Your Active Listening Skills? Try Using These 33 Powerful Phrases

3. Express your needs

You don't have to go it alone or protect yourself by making "me-time" all the time.

"Learn to communicate your emotional needs and boundaries in relationships," Dr. Needle says. "It's crucial to be clear about what you need from others and be willing to compromise when necessary. Healthy communication is key to fostering emotional intimacy."

4. Seek therapy or support

Speaking of not going anything alone, overcoming emotional availability can be a challenge. It may be especially difficult for individuals who grew up being taught to suppress their emotions. Help is available. 

"A therapist can assist in uncovering the root causes of emotional unavailability and guide the individual through processes that help in healing past wounds, managing fears of vulnerability and learning healthier ways to express and handle emotions," Dr. Roeske says.

You can also develop tools and strategies to build emotional connections during sessions. The good news? There's hope.

"Trained professionals on this topic are generally well-versed in developing treatment plans to help guide someone toward emotional availability," Dr. Frank explains.

Next: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists

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