10 Phrases To Effectively Start a Conversation, According to Psychologists

There are lots of good reasons to start up a conversation with a perfect stranger. Whether you’re at a party, work function, or community event, you might find yourself standing around with several individuals you’ve never met before. You’d like to talk to someone, but like many of us, you’re just not sure where to start. Luckily, we've got all the details on how to start a conversation, according to psychologists.

“There are a variety of reasons why someone might want to strike up a conversation with a new person,” says licensed psychologist Dr. Lauren Kerwin. “The goal of any conversation can vary greatly depending on the individual's personal or professional needs at the time.”

She lists several potential goals of a conversation, which can include:

• To network or for professional reasons

• To gather information or to learn something new

• To build friendships/relationships

• To improve your communication skills

• To boost your self-confidence

• To share interests with someone

• To follow social norms and etiquette

Julia DiGangi, PhD, neuropsychologist and author of Energy Rising: The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power (Harvard Business Review, September 2023), says that the goal of starting a conversation is to satisfy a basic neurologic need: connection.

“Because language is one of the most remarkable capabilities of humans, the way we talk to each other is one of the strongest drivers of connection, safety, curiosity and joy,” she explains.

Why Is It Awkward To Start a Conversation With a New Person?

But what about that awkwardness that can, at times, come with striking up a conversation with someone new? How come those “um’s” and “uhh’s” come so easily as you stutter to get the words out?

Well, first of all, know that you’re far from alone. DiGangi says that as humans, two of the biggest triggers for our brains are uncertainty and rejection, and meeting a new person happens to hit both of those criteria.

“We are uncertain if they will reject us or not,” DiGangi observes. “Neuroscientific studies show that uncertainty in social situations activates threat networks in the brain—they create feelings of doubt, fear, and confusion.”

Additionally, you might be unsure about what topics will be interesting or acceptable to a new person, as Dr. Kerwin says, adding that the rules of social engagement can sometimes be nuanced and complex, which can lead to uncertainty or anxiety.

And let’s not overlook the fact that social anxiety is a very real condition for many: in fact, according to the National Institute of Mental Health, up to 12 percent of U.S. adults experience a social anxiety disorder at some point during their lives.

All of this adds up to standing next to someone understandably feeling dumbfounded as you try to think of ways to start a discussion. Although it can feel embarrassing, it absolutely happens to everyone. Luckily, there are handy phrases you can keep in your back pocket to artfully begin a conversation.

Related: 10 Best Phrases To Begin an Email, Plus the #1 Way You *Don’t* Want To Start Your Message

How To Start a Conversation: 10 Phrases, According to Psychologists

1. “Hi, I don't think we've met before. I'm [your name].”

Dr. Kerwin says that this phrase is straightforward and establishes your identity. “It's ideal because it opens the door for the other person to introduce themselves as well,” she says. Think of this as your basic starter phrase for getting a conversation off the ground.

2. “I couldn't help but overhear you talking about [topic]. That's an interest of mine as well.”

Uniting with someone in a common interest can make you feel like kindred spirits before you know it, and this phrase can act as that first spark. Dr. Kerwin says that it’s “an easy conversation starter” and “shows that you’re open to discussion.”

3. “What are you looking at/eating/drinking?”

“You can’t go wrong with conversational basics,” DiGangi says. “Asking someone about their experience in the moment is an easy way to invite low-pressure conversation.”

Related: 125 Witty and Funny Ways To Answer ‘How Are You?’—Whether It’s Asked by Your Crush, Ex or Friend

4. “Isn’t this weather surprising?”

Dr. Kerwin calls discussing the weather “a universal icebreaker.” “It's neutral, relatable, and doesn't usually lead to controversy,” she says. Call to mind that thunderstorm that recently kept you up at night or the blizzard that made for a tough commute.

5. “Do you want to hear something funny?”

DiGangi says that neuroscience shows that laughter can raise the level of serotonin—a feel-good chemical—in your brain.

“There’s a reason people call laughter the best medicine,” she says. “You don’t need to freak out because you’re not a stand-up comedian. Just ask your conversation partner if they would like to see a hilarious meme or short YouTube video that you have ready to share. Laughter will reduce tension and increase connection.”

6. “Have you been to an event like this before?”

At an event with a lot of new people? Dr. Kerwin says that this phrase allows the other person to share their experiences. “It's perfect for events or parties and helps you gain insights about the person's history with the situation you both are in,” she explains.

7. “I noticed you're reading [book name]. How are you finding it?"

“This phrase can be ideal when the person is holding a book or material that you’re familiar with,” Dr. Kerwin says. “It shows you're observant and interested in their thoughts.”

Related: 150 'Wondrous' Aesthetic Words to Easily Elevate Your Basic, Everyday Conversations

8. “How do you know the host?”

For another event-related icebreaker, turn to this handy phrase.

“If you meet someone at an event, like a party or a networking mixer, a surefire conversation starter is inquiring about what connection they have to people you know,” DiGangi says. Simply put, this phrase can help you find common ground.

Related: 15 Phrases To Effectively End Any Argument, According to Psychologists

9. “Do you want to hear a story?”

“If there’s one thing that’s true about people, it’s that everyone loves a good story,” DiGangi says. “It behooves you to have a couple in your back pocket. This isn’t a TED Talk, so no need to swing for the fences. Just have a couple of three-minute stories you’re able to tell. If you tend to get nervous before walking into social gatherings, keep a simple bulleted list on your phone that you can glance at to remind yourself what you want to say.”

10. "That's a great [item they have]. Where did you get it?"

If all else fails and you’re feeling too nervous to be particularly witty, remember that a compliment is typically a surefire way to strike up a conversation. Dr. Kerwin says that compliments allow you to start a conversation while also making the other person feel good about themselves.

“The art of question-asking in conversations is to understand what you're really after: a connection,” DiGangi reflects. “On the surface, this question may seem superficial, but it's much deeper than that. When you begin talking to a new person, your brain's threat detection networks are on high alert, thinking, Is this person judging me? Will they reject me? Do they think I look good enough? Am I interesting enough? By giving a clear compliment and following up with a question that is easily answerable, you help create a soothing, open energy.”

Next up, learn how to politely end a conversation.

Sources

• Dr. Lauren Kerwin, licensed psychologist.

• Julia DiGangi, PhD, neuropsychologist and author of Energy Rising: The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power.

• National Institute of Mental Health: “Social Anxiety Disorder”