125 Witty and Funny Ways To Answer ‘How Are You?’—Whether It’s Asked by Your Crush, Ex or Friend
Social obligations and norms differ depending on where you live. However, being asked "How are you?" is a pretty universal part of being greeted when you come into close contact with another person while going about your day-to-day activities. An inevitability comes next. The answer to the question is almost always some derivative of "I'm fine, you?"—*Insert heavy sigh.* But we have some creative alternatives to offer in this list of funny responses to "How are you?"
If you want to change things up a bit and give a better answer than "good" to the question of how you are, then you've come to the right place. Whether you're being greeted as you enter a store, catching up with an old friend, receiving a text from the ex you really don't want to hear from or casually running into your crush, we've got some unique and hilarious ways to respond to this super common inquiry.
Whether you want to err on the side of caution and provide a cheery (yet one-of-a-kind) response, break the mold and give them something to think about, or remain your truly pessimistic self, (absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!), then continue reading! You'll find the 125 best ways to answer "How are you?" the next time you're asked.
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Funny Responses to "How Are You?"
1. At minding my own business? Better than most people.
2. What do you want? (But, like, lightly... so as not to be rude.)
3. I'd say I'm at least a 7 out of 10.
4. Good enough!
5. How dare you! (Act shocked for an even better response.)
6. I'll let you judge for yourself.
7. I can’t complain! Though sometimes I still do.
8. Just average.
9. Compared to who?
10. I love you. (Just go for it, catch them off guard!)
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11. I'm blessed!
12. It's too early to tell.
13. Nothing much. (Wait for them to realize the answer doesn't fit. Their face will be worth it.)
14. If I were any better, I'd be illegal.
15. Strange, and getting stranger!
16. This could be my antidepressants, but I'm doing great!
17. It's a secret.
18. I'd be better if I were anywhere but here.
19. I have no way of knowing.
20. *Stares blankly.*
21. Hey! Look over there! (Run away.)
22. I can't tell you.
23. On a scale from one to punching someone in the face, I'm about at wishing someone would stub their toe hard.
24. You're lookin' at it!
25. All right so far, but there's still time for everything to go horribly wrong.
Best Responses to "How Are You?"
26. I could really go for a massage. (I mean, couldn't we all??)
27. Overworked and underpaid.
28. Can't complain. Nobody listens anyway.
29. Nice and dandy like cotton candy.
30. Much better now that you are here.
31. Yes.
32. Unsure. Is it Friday yet?
33. Each day is better than the next.
34. Waiting for someone to ask!
35. Ready for a nap, you?
36. Happy and you know it! (Then clap your hands.)
37. Groovy!
38. Sunshine all day long!
39. Dancing to the rhythm of life!
40. Somewhere between better and best.
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41. So far, so good!
42. Wondering how you are.
43. Better on the inside than I look on the outside.
44. Dangerously close to fabulous.
45. Why do you ask? Are you a doctor?
46. Terrible! Thanks for asking.
47. Just taking it one fine day at a time.
48. Everything is fine with you around.
49. Getting better with every passing minute.
50. Rolling with the punches!
Witty Responses to "How Are You?"
51. Better, now that you asked.
52. I was fine until you asked.
53. Like a pit bull in a butcher shop!
54. Maybe one day you'll be lucky enough to find out.
55. Do you really care?
56. Doing well, unless you have intentions of shooting me.
57. I've heard various opinions. What's yours?
58. Way better than I deserve!
59. I have a pulse, so I must be alright.
60. I don't know, you tell me.
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61. Armed and ready!
62. Like you, but better.
63. I can't complain! It's against the Company Policy.
64. Word on the street is that I'm really good.
65. Partly cloudy.
66. Not so good, but I plan on lying at my press conference.
67. Better than some, not as good as others.
68. Do you want the short or the long version?
69. Medium well.
70. You don't want to know.
71. Next question, please.
72. I would be lying if I said I’m fine.
73. What a great question. (Pause for effect.)
74. Oh terrible, but I'm used to it.
75. Not quite there yet.
Clever Responses to "How Are You?"
76. My lawyer advises me not to answer that question.
77. Great! ...Unless the weather has different plans in store.
78. There's so much room for improvement.
79. If I were doing any better, I'd hire you to enjoy it with me.
80. If I had a tail, I would wag it.
81. I think I'm doing OK. How do you think I'm doing?
82. YOU CAN SEE ME?
83. Horrible, now that I've met you
84. Pass. (Like you're on a game show.)
85. Only dying slowly. Aren't we all?
86. Living the dream! Let's hope it doesn't turn into a nightmare.
87. I am high-quality.
88. Envisioning myself on a fabulous vacation.
89. I'm better than I was, but not nearly as good as I'm going to be.
90. Living the dream! Please don't wake me.
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91. Oh just trying to remain patient.
92. Busy taking over the world!
93. In need of some peace and quiet.
94. Your attempt at social interaction is hereby acknowledged.
95. I promised myself I would kill the next person who asked me that question, but I like you so I will let you live.
96. I'm so great I have to sit on my hands to keep myself from clapping.
97. Do you want an honest answer or the one you were expecting?
98. Not today, Satan!
99. The doctor says I'll live, so I've got that going for me.
100. I'd love to answer that, but you first so I can gauge where this conversation is headed.
Unique Responses to "How Are You?"
101. Oh stop it, you. (If you say it super sarcastically, like they were giving you a compliment, you'll get even better looks.)
102. Well, I haven't had my coffee yet but no one's gotten hurt. So, so far so good.
103. I’ve been going through some crests and troughs in my life. Is everything stable at your end?
104. I'm pretty standard right now.
105. I don’t feel that great, but my hair looks awesome, right?
106. My psychiatrist told me not to discuss it with strangers.
107. Under renovation.
108. Living a life of denial and suppressed rage.
109. How much will you pay me if I tell you?
110. I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat dog.
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111. As fine as a maiden’s flaxen hair.
112. WHY?! WHAT ARE THEY SAYING ABOUT ME?
113. Physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Financially? I need more direction.
114. In order to answer the question, I need to take you back about ten years. Do you have a moment?
115. Somewhere between bleh and meh.
116. Okay, since my name wasn't in today's obituaries.
117. I'm sober, which can hopefully be remedied as soon as possible.
118. Not bad. Could be better. Could be payday.
119. Surviving!
120. I'm under no obligation to tell you.
121. I’m trying really hard to avoid ambiguous questions at the moment.
122. How do you think I am?
123. Doing well, unless you have an airborne illness and have just infected me.
124. How am I. . . what?
125. I'm still waiting for the results to come back on that one.
Tips for Continuing the Conversation After Answering "How Are You?"
If you know this person well and want to continue the conversation, ask them about an event in their life that just happened. How did it go? What's the next step? How are you feeling about that?
If you don't know this person well, ask them what their plans are for the day. This could either be simply a polite way to carry the convo or it could be seen as flirting if that's the route you're wanting to take!
How To Respond to "How Are You?" in a Text
Usually, texting is kept to the point. That being said, answer however your heart desires! Your friends (assuming this person is your friend—they are texting you, after all) should know your sense of humor, so answer in the moment and see where it takes you!
How To Respond When Your Ex Asks "How Are You?"
There are a few options to take with this one, depending on what you want your relationship with your ex to be going forward. If you want them to remain your ex: simply don't answer or tell them you're doing great, without them. If you want to be friends, but stay separate, answer truthfully but without any details. If you want to get back together, try a flirty response like "I'd be doing much better if I were with you."
How To Respond When Your Crush Asks "How Are You?"
Dating can be so tricky! First, don't allow your giddy emotions to take over too much when responding, but you should be enthusiastic enough to keep them engaged in the conversation. To do that, give them a short and sweet answer with a few details about your day that you have planned. Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll be able to join you!
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