Stephen Colbert on Trump’s hush-money trial: ‘It’s been a real case of deja eww’

Late-night hosts talked Donald Trump’s second month in court as his former fixer Michael Cohen testified for a second day.

Stephen Colbert

“The last four weeks have been full of lurid, shocking sexual revelations that we learned six years ago,” said Stephen Colbert on Tuesday’s Late Show, as Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial entered its second month in New York. “It’s been a real case of deja eww.”

On Tuesday, the star witness Michael Cohen, Trump’s former lawyer and fixer, continued his testimony. According to Cohen, the former president instructed him to pay $130,000 to Stormy Daniels for her silence with the order: “Just do it.”

“In response, Nike has changed their slogan to ‘Yay! Sneakers!’” Colbert quipped.

Related: Jon Stewart on Senator Robert Menendez’s corruption charges: ‘How dumb is you?’

Trump reportedly took in Cohen’s testimony with his eyes shut, nearly without reaction, moving only occasionally to whisper or pass a note to his attorney. “And I’m being told we have one of the notes,” Colbert joked, reading, “Shhh! I’m trying to sleep.”

Cohen also said it was Melania Trump’s idea to classify Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” comments on the infamous Access Hollywood tape as mere “locker room talk”.

“Well, that makes sense,” said Colbert, “because any time Trump tries to get near Melania, she lockher room.”

The Daily Show

As Trump enters the second month of his criminal hush-money trial, the courthouse in New York “is becoming a pilgrimage site for all of his supporters and wannabe VPs”, said the guest host Desi Lydic on The Daily Show.

This week alone saw Republicans such as Vivek Ramaswamy, JD Vance and the House speaker, Mike Johnson, express their support for Trump outside the courthouse. “It’s like the Met Gala for people who don’t believe in women’s rights,” she joked.

By far the “weirdest” appearance was from the Alabama senator Tommy Tuberville, who complained about the “depressing” courtroom and said “mental anguish is trying to be pushed on the Republican candidate for president of the United States”.

“Mental anguish?!” Lydic laughed. “This dude spends every day whining about how gen Z is too woke with their safe spaces, and now he’s out here like, ‘The wallpaper is giving the president trauma. These fluorescent lights are literal violence!’

“I’m sure Trump appreciated all of his buddies coming by to cheer him up,” Lydic added. “But maybe they could just tone it down a notch? I mean, it’s kinda hard for Trump to argue that he would never cheat on his wife when there’s a line of dudes outside waiting to suck him off.”

Seth Meyers

And on Late Night, Seth Meyers also mocked Trump for appearing to fall asleep in court for a full half-hour during Cohen’s testimony on Monday. “Again? You know, I was excited for this trial, but it seems like the only thing we’re accomplishing is making sure that Trump is well rested before the election,” he said.

Cohen testified that Trump “wasn’t thinking” about Melania when he instructed him to pay $130,000 to Stormy Daniels for her silence. “Yeah, no kidding,” said Meyers. “I’d be surprised if he was thinking about her at the wedding.”

Among those who attended Trump’s trial this week was the former Republican presidential candidate and current VP hopeful Ramaswamy, “though he had to be removed because he kept screaming ‘I’ll wait for you!’” Meyers joked.

And Warner Bros Discovery announced that it was developing two new films in the Lord of the Rings franchise, “just as soon as Gollum wraps up his court cases”, Meyers quipped next to a photo of Rudy Giuliani.