'The Bachelorette' Recap: Punch Drunk Love

Remember last week, rose lovers, when we waited with bated breath to learn which of the two “ladies” — Britt or Kaitlyn — would earn the honor of dumping 24 guys (hey, maybe even 25!) on The Bachelorette? Man, those were simpler times. Now the real work begins. But first, let’s pause for a moment to ponder the road not taken:

Sigh. Anyhow, Chris Harrison keeps it strictly professional, grilling Kaitlyn about her serial smooching on night one, and whether or not she’s insecure knowing that several of the remaining guys voted for Britt. But nothing can dampen our newly-minted Bachelorette’s enthusiasm. “I just think about the end of this, and how excited I would be… if that guy got down on one knee and proposed,” she says. And now all we have to do is wait nine weeks to find out who “that guy” is. My early vote:

Back at Casa Bachelorette, the guys are sort of naturally dividing into two cliques: Britt’s Boys (Jonathan, Kupah, Daniel, Tony) and Everyone Else (Cupcake, Clint, Cory, Corey, Daniel, Ian, Jared, JJ, Joe, Joshua, Justin, Ryan, Shawn, Tanner). And just when you think we’re going nearly 10 minutes into the episode without being subjected to a single shot of Britt crying… well, you’re wrong.

Knock knock knock! There’s an SSS (sensitive singer-songwriter) at the door! Buck up, Britt: One of your would-be suitors has arrived to close out your storyline and give you the happy ending you were hoping for. “I thought maybe after last night, you might need a hug,” Brady says, settling his lanky frame on the sofa in Britt’s hotel room. They hug. Brady tells us “this could be the start of something really great.” And scene. For now.

Group date roll call! Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey (or Cory? Who can say), Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., and Ben Z. The limos drop the dudes off at the abandoned set of a CrossFit informercial, where Kaitlyn is swatting pathetically at a heavy bag as pro boxer Laila Ali watches with what I can only imagine is deep dismay.

Yes, today’s group date activity is meant to show Kaitlyn which guys have the requisite amount of “heart” and “fight” to win her love. While some of the bachelors are perfectly comfortable pounding things with their fists (Ben Z.) others can’t jump rope without breaking a perfectly good window (Ben H.) But really, all Kaitlyn cares about is which guys make the effort to talk to her… which is pretty much everyone but Kupah, who is focused on nothing but punching things. Perhaps because he knows what’s coming next: “You guys are going to get in the ring and fight!” announces Ms. Ali. Oh shiz, thinks everyone but Ben Z.

Round 1: Daniel versus Ben Z.  The latter pummels the former until one of the trainers shows mercy on Daniel and throws in the towel, literally, on his behalf. All that’s missing is a ring of cartoon stars circling around Ben’s dazed head.

Round 2: Corey (oh, so not Cory) versus Justin. I’m not sure you’d call what these two were doing in the ring “boxing” — it was more like “frantically bitch-slapping each other with closed fists.”

Round 3: Ben H. versus Jared. Surprisingly, in the Battle of the Middleweight Emo-Dudes, it’s Jared — he of the frustratingly haphazard facial hair — who emerges victorious, after felling Other Ben with a wicked right hook.

Round 4: Tanner versus Kupah. Everyone, including Tanner, knows he’s outmatched, so his main focus is “not getting killed.” At that, he succeeds.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Week 2

After a quick look at the semi finals (is it me, or is this date taking forever?) it’s time for the main event: Ben Z. versus… Jared? No, I’m not sure how that happened either, but Captain Scruff has punched his way to the top, and he’s even cocky enough to tell Ben — who is 55 pounds heavier than he is — that he shouldn’t “take it easy” on him. Everyone else has the same thought: This isn’t going to end well.

And indeed, Jared does get his bell rung — hard. “I feel terrible,” laments Kaitlyn, as Jared’s legs buckle and he collapses on the canvas. “I really didn’t want anyone to get hurt.” Then perhaps next time you bring a bunch of Alpha dogs on a date you shouldn’t put them in a ring and tell them to punch each other. Live and learn.

So it’s off to the hospital with Jared and his lethargic pupils, while Kaitlyn takes the rest of her bruised and broken men to a hotel bar for the date-after-the-date — where she wants to focus on “making connections” with the guys.

To be fair, Ben Z. and the Bachelorette do bond over their love of cooking, and he tells her the sad story of his mom’s death. The evening’s going on just swimmingly, in fact, with Kaitlyn repeatedly interrupting to tell us how “good-looking” and “talented” the guys are and how “difficult” her decision is going to be. But just as Daniel is about to tell Kaitlyn all about his “furniture and design clothing company” in walks a waiter with a mysterious note for the Bachelorette. What does it say? Unclear, but by the look on her face, it’s not welcome news:

Perhaps someone just informed her that Daniel charges $480 for THIS on his website. (Not clear if that includes the woman, or the sailor cap.) “Uh… I’m gonna go deal with this,” she says sheepishly, and takes her leave, drink in hand. “The note says, ‘Come downstairs right now — I need to see you,’” Kaitlyn explains to the camera. And who should be waiting in the parking lot but Jared, of course! And no, Jared explains, he couldn’t have just come upstairs and said hello like a normal person — the doctors ordered him to “rest,” though Team Bachelorette was kind enough to allow him a drive-by date. “I just wanted to see you and tell you that I’m fine,” says Jared, who proves it by going in for a kiss. Which is good, because I have a lot of questions.

Anyhow, Kaitlyn LOVES it. But poor punch-ee Jared cannot get the date rose in absentia, so it goes to the puncher, Ben Z., instead. Then they smooch. And, side note:

The next morning, the Bachelorette picks up Clint in her cute little red Mercedes and they head out to a lovely yellow hillside villa for… an underwater photo shoot. Because hanging out in a setting where you can’t talk, breathe, or keep your eyes open for very long is, naturally, the perfect way to get to know someone. After running through a few touchy-feely breathing exercises with the photographer, Clint and Kaitlyn jump hand-in-hand into the pool — which made me sad for her sparkly sequined minidress, which I’m guessing is dry-clean only. Though the water-logged photo shoot gets off to a bit of a stilted start, eventually they’re making out underwater like pros.

At dinner, Kaitlynn does way more talking than Clint, telling him about how “intrigued” she was by him on the first night, and how “stoked” she is about their “perfect” date and the way he brings out the “romantic” side in her. Clint nods and smiles, and accepts the date rose with a grunted, “Yeah, I will.” Meanwhile, back at the house, Tony the Spiritual Gangster is having a bit of a hard time keeping things straight.

That’s right, it’s time for group date No. 2, and instead of throwing punches, these seven guys — JJ, Jonathan, Joshua, Chris, Ian, Joe, and Tony — are going to be throwing punchlines. (Wow, that was just a terrible segue. I apologize.) It’s time for the always-humiliating comedy club date, but the good news is this one features a guest appearance by self-proclaimed Bachelor fan Amy Schumer. “I love Kaitlyn. She’s, like, just super cool and someone that I could really be friends with,” muses Amy. “And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.” (Kaitlyn, honey, this is by far the best offer you’re gonna get. Take it!)

So, JJ’s pumped that he’ll be performing stand-up comedy on the date, because “it’s something secretly I’ve always wanted to do,” he admits. “There’s going to be a rose on my jacket by the end of the day.” Fortunately, Amy doesn’t have to turn these lunkheads into tolerable joke-tellers all by herself — Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein, and Bridget Everett are there to help her. And man, will she need help. Case in point:

Nikki: “Does any funny stuff happen… when you weld?”

Joshua: “I mean not… not really.”

And then there’s Amy Schumer’s priceless expression when she learns JJ’s terrible pickup line — “Hi, I’m JJ. Divorced, with a kid, and I live with my parents” — is, in fact, entirely true.

Normally I’m not a fan of celebrity guests on The Bachelor/Bachelorette, but Amy Schumer’s brutal honesty (to JJ, who thinks he’s “smarter” than the audience: “I want to make you feel better — you’re not”) is a thing of beauty.

Team Bachelorette keeps the pain to a minimum, giving us just quick glimpses of each guy’s set: Ian takes Nikki’s advice and compares himself to the Old Spice guy; Joshua makes a semi-naughty comment about his tongue; and Chris tells a bunch of jokes about how unfunny he is. Oh, my mistake — the producers kept those clips short so they could show us even more footage of whatever the hell Tony was doing.

I don’t know if Tony just didn’t understand the assignment or if he actually thought he was telling jokes…? I suppose we should all just be happy this lady didn’t demand her money back (as far as we know).

Even after Tony’s routine/slow-motion nervous breakdown, Kaitlyn seems giddy about how well the date is going. “I was so impressed,” she raves to the guys at the cocktail party. “Cheers!” Yeah, drink up, honey, because if you think Joshua’s declaration that he’s a “love virgin” is the most awkward thing that’s going to happen tonight, you are sorely mistaken.

And yet it’s Tony, not Kaitlyn, who begins their one-on-one time by saying, “I can’t deny, I was really scared of you.” Apparently the Spiritual Gangster thought he preferred Britt’s heart-on-her-sleeve approach over Kaitlyn’s humor-as-an-emotional-shield m.o. — but not anymore. The group date isn’t even over, and Tony’s already “willing to invest everything I’ve got” in his potential relationship with Kaitlyn. Now that he knows the Bachelorette is a “combination lock” rather than a “key turn,” he’s ready to crack her open. Or whatever.

To be honest, though, I would have preferred to watch another 20 minutes of Tony chanting “Little THIS way, little this way,” while twirling an imaginary combination lock if it meant not having to see JJ sucking face with Kaitlyn. He is, in two words: super gross. Meanwhile I hope the Bachelorette brought her Listerine strips, because her mouth has a long night of work ahead of it — especially after Joe tells her that he “didn’t even talk to Britt.”

But it’s JJ who gets the rose. Ick. Of course, that doesn’t stop him the next night from commandeering Kaitlyn the second she walks into the room for the final cocktail party.

Let’s move on to a man with actual charisma: Ian. He takes Kaitlyn outside to share the story of his accident and inspiring recovery, etc. “It really taught me that I can do anything that I put my mind to,” he says. “So I’m putting my mind to this now. I’m putting my mind to you.” Damn, he’s good. And she LOVES it. Survey says: Smooch time! And quite the smooch it is.

Unbeknownst to Miss Kissing Bandit, JJ’s initial “d–k move” has put some of the other guys in such a bad mood they’re beginning to, as Clint puts it, “unravel.” Tony starts griping about how he deserves “basic respect,” while Kupah is starting to fear the worst. “I don’t want to be here any longer than I have to be, IF I’m the minority guy that fills a quota,” he says. To that end, he gets straight to the point with Kaitlyn: “I haven’t really felt like whenever we’ve talked that there’s any kind of connection.” She’s all, hold up, you didn’t even try to talk to me on the boxing date. But Kupah’s not finished: Their first conversation, he tells Kaitlyn, kinda sucked because she was “looking all around the room” and not at him. And, “I don’t want to be here because I look good on the roster of men that you still keep around.”

On the one hand, kudos to Kupah for being bold enough to call Team Bachelorette out on the “token brown guy” tradition… but on the other hand, did Kaitlyn herself really deserve to be accused of tokenism after one group date, during which he clearly made no effort to “connect” with her? No. Needless to say, she does NOT love it. “To be honest, I actually felt a connection until right now,” says Kaitlyn, her voice clipped. And no amount of scrambling Kupah does — “Your eyes are awesome”; “You’re a pretty girl”; “I wanna be here” — is going to get him out of the hole he’s dug for himself. Especially since he immediately goes and recounts the whole story to the rest of the guys, complaining that Kaitlyn “wasn’t even looking at me” in a voice so loud it carries all the way back to the Bachelorette and her fireplace of solitude.

OK, pal, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here. No, really, you can’t stay here. Kaitlyn just asked you to leave. What’s that? You don’t want to leave because she’s “hot” and likes movie quotes? We understand your disappointment, but as Kaitlyn points out, you’ve only known each other for three days and you’re already fighting — so we’re pretty sure marriage isn’t in the cards for you two. Finally, finally Kupah relents and says goodbye, leaving Kaitlyn to return to the mansion with heavy, quavering sigh.

If only that were the last we saw of Kupah. But no — he’s still got to complete his exit interview, and Kupah is most definitely a hostile witness. “Just ask me the questions and let me go home!” he barks at the producer. “Please, please give me that!”

Kaitlyn, suddenly fearful for the safety and well-being of the camera equipment, or something, bolts up from her confessional and heads outside to… what? Act as a human shield between Kupah and the steadycam? I’m afraid, because for a second week in a row, we’re being subjected to this:

Also to be continued? Britt and Brady’s showmance, now on it’s seventh full day, announces the would-be Bachelorette proudly. Over tea at an outdoor café, Brady pops the question: “I’m just wondering if… if you’d be my girl?” Dude, OF COURSE she’ll be your girl. After the beating her self-esteem just took over at Casa Bachelorette, Britt would have welcomed Charles Manson into her hotel room if he arrived with a smile and a kind word. (And I’m talking Charles Manson in his current, 80-year-old and beyond-batshit incarnation, not the young, charismatic, and wild-eyed guy he once was.)

Oh, I’m just teasing, Britt-Britt. I hope you and Brady are very happy together, at least until the Men Tell All. After that, get thee to Bachelor in Paradise!

So, rose lovers, how did Kaitlyn do in her first official week as Bachelorette? What is Kupah’s deal? What is Tony's deal? And for the love of all that is holy, what is the deal with Jared’s facial hair? Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s blog before you go. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to gargle some Listerine on Kaitlyn’s behalf.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.