'The Bachelorette' Recap: Playing It Straight?

I suppose none of us should be surprised, rose lovers, that the whole “Brokeback Bachelor” brouhaha turned out to be much ado about nothing… but creative editing and idiotic play-acting. The whole thing kinda fell flat, don’t you think? Maybe this is why Playing It Straight was canceled after three episodes back in 2004. Anyhow, on with Kaitlyn’s “journey.”

The action picks up right where we left off last week, with a frustrated, just-booted Kupah arguing with producers about doing an exit interview. “I go home in three days?” he bellows. “Now I’m the black dude who’s a sucker.” Actually, Kupes, it doesn’t matter what color you are — the only thing making you look like an idiot right now is you. And Kaitlyn is OVER it.

Despite his bravado, Kupah can no longer hide his embarrassment. “I’ve been dissed by uglier girls, homie,” he tells the producer, after joking that Kaitlyn must think he has chlamydia. (Don’t be silly! She knows Team Bachelorette would have caught that in the pre-show STD testing, right? RIGHT?) And so Kupah, his drink still clasped firmly in his hand, climbs into the Reject Minivan. On to the rose ceremony!

Yes, our favorite Ryan Gosling kinda-lookalike made the cut, as did Jared, Ben H., Jonathan, Tanner, Cupcake, Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe, Corey, and… Tony???

Sorry, Tony’s dog and bonsai trees — you’re going to have to live without your freaky Zen master for a little while longer. That means Daniel the designer and Cory the guy who has made literally no impression are on their way home. See ya, boys — maybe stop by Tony’s place and water his plants on your way back, OK? I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

The next morning, the guys are awakened by two hefty badasses in kimonos and flip-flops.

Meet Byamba and Yama, the monoliths who will be teaching the dudes on the group date the Japanese sport known as Sumo. At Chris Harrison’s request, Yama whips out a scroll and reads off the names.

OK Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, and Shawn — grab your mawashi and head out into the front yard. (Oh man, this is making me nostalgic for Bachelor Pad.) While Kaitlyn tries to avert her eyes from the many naughty bits on display, it’s all in vain. “I’m seeing junk everywhere,” she admits — including “Joe’s left nut” which, according to Jared, was “hanging out the entire time.” (Where’s Jillian’s black bar when you need it?) One by one, Byamba tosses the guys out of the ring — including Tony, who apparently believed he actually had a chance against the human bulldozer he was fighting. But Byamba just laughs him off — literally — and shoves Tony to the floor.

Our “spiritual gangster” does not take his defeat well. He stalks back to Casa Bachelorette, and at first he even blatantly ignores Kaitlyn when she comes over to check on him. All these aggressive dates, man, they’re just totally bumming him out. “I would much rather go on something peaceful and loving,” he tells Kaitlyn, “because that’s who I am.” He goes on to inform the Bachelorette that he views the world through the eyes of a child, and he wants her to see “the multiple sides of me” — which, thanks to the mawashi and Team Bachelorette’s crafty camera angles, isn’t that difficult.

Kaitlyn tries to calm Tony down, telling him the Sumo date was just supposed to be “fun,” but like a toddler mid-tantrum, Tony can’t listen to reason. “Am I the only one who sees that there are other ways to connect?” he barks, his voice rising. Wow, for a guy who prides himself on being “peaceful and loving,” he sure does have a hair-trigger temper.

Of course, JJ decides Kaitlyn needs to be rescued from the situation — because, you know, she’s a girl — but it only makes things worse. Pretty soon Tony’s swearing up a storm, the other guys are grousing about JJ, and Kaitlyn’s just watching the whole thing with her head in her hands because she’s too polite to leave. Thank you, Jonathan, for suggesting she walk away. Still, once everyone’s had a bit of a time out, it’s Kaitlyn — not Tony — who apologizes. ARRRRRGH. Eventually Tony achieves some kind of spiritual equilibrium, but his twitchy pec muscle indicates he’s still raging inside. Will he join the rest of the guys on the second part of the date — a Sumo exhibition at Universal City Walk? Nope. That’s too bad, because he’s missing out on a chance to bare his ass and testicular region to a bunch of men, women, and children.

In the Sumo-off between the guys, Clint — who notes that sometimes it’s OK to “play dirty” — brutally plows down his rivals. “We get it, Clint, you were a wrestler in college,” says Shawn. “Take it easy, dude.” He could give the same advice to Tony, who’s back at Casa Bachelorette, still ranting and raving about how much he hates aggression. He hates it so much, in fact, that he’s decided to leave — but not before crashing Kaitlyn’s group date cocktail party. (Irony alert: In his Bachelorette bio, Tony says his biggest date fear is “rudeness.”) “I can’t participate in this circus anymore,” he informs Kaitlyn, who — GOD HELP HER — apologizes again.

What are you sorry for, honey? The fact that Team Bachelorette saddled you with an aggressively anti-aggression weirdo? If you’re gonna apologize for anything, maybe you should say sorry for those pants. JJ likes them, so you know they can’t be a smart fashion choice.

Meanwhile, Clint has decided he’s not going to make any effort on this group date — because, you know, if Kaitlyn’s interested, she should come to him. He even goes so far as to look the other way when Kaitlyn sits down next to him… so Shawn B. swoops in and gets the alone time. “I never fall so hard, so quick for somebody,” he confesses. And she LOVES it. Shawn gets the date rose, and Clint gets a big fat nothing. “He’s trying to be too cool,” laments Kaitlyn, who then calls Clint out in front of all the guys. “I took you on the first one-on-one date, and you ignore me all day and don’t even talk to me tonight,” she says testily. “So that’s a problem.”

Is it, though, Kaitlyn? You have 13 other guys to choose from — 14 if you count JJ (but seriously, don’t count him). Just consider Clint eliminated and move on with your “journey.” And today you don’t even have to “plan” the one-on-one date — Chris Harrison has done it for you! Just grab your man and go. That man turns out to be Ben Z., much to the Bachelorette’s pleasure: “Ben Z. is a babe soda!” I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty gross to me.

Speaking of gross, Harrison greets the lovebirds in an abandoned warehouse, while standing in front of a taxidermied wolf and a bunch of creepy specimens (including what looks like a pig fetus) in jars.

And then things get weird. Harrison informs them that relationships are sometimes like being held captive in a cannibalistic serial killer’s basement, and today they’re going to get some practice trying to claw their way out. This is, in fact, a real thing that people can do in L.A. (I suppose after awhile all torture-porn movies start to feel passé and the only way to regain that adrenaline rush is to role-play the action yourself? Or something.)

As they head inside the soon-to-be-locked room, a pigeon flies at Kaitlyn’s head, and she shrieks in terror. (I get it. Those things are just rats with wings, people.)

Side note: Why is Kaitlyn wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her right hand?

Turns out, the Bachelorette suffers from a pretty severe case of ornithophobia — that is, she’s legit scared of birds. She’s also scared of stage blood, severed prosthetic limbs, and an actor who’s probably earning minimum wage for writhing under a sheet on a bed in the corner. Anyhow, Ben Z. steps into the role of “beefy protective male” immediately, letting Kaitlyn crush the bones in his hand and tolerating her periodic shrieks. He does most of the work finding the clues — including a picture of Britt:

(JK, Britt!) Slowly but surely Ben Z. braves all the horror-show obstacles, including a very nasty-looking bathroom full of snakes.

And after all that, the “secret” password that would prevent Kaitlyn and Ben from getting fake-gassed to fake-death was… ROSES. Oh man, why didn’t they try that the first time? Never mind, the exercise served its purpose, and the Bachelorette feels Ben proved himself as the “big man in a relationship who took care of his lady.” Time for pizza and wine in front a roaring fire (of tealight candles). It’s the perfect setting for Ben to tell yet another heart-rending story about losing his mom — this time he admits to Kaitlyn that he didn’t cry the day she died because he felt he needed to be strong for his dad and brother. “My only regret, my entire life, was not crying that day,” he admits. “And I haven’t cried in 11 years.”

Oh my God, you guys — he’s literally repressed his grief so forcefully that he’s destroyed his tear duct release valve! That is too sad. And lest you be concerned, Ben Z. knows that his extended period of dry-eyedness is “not healthy.” And now Team Bachelorette has a goal: Make Ben Z. cry, whether tears of joy (getting the final rose at the proposal platform) or tears of despair (in the back of the Reject Limo). But for now he’s all smiles, as Kaitlyn just handed him the date rose in the hot tub. #Romance

The second group date of the episode just completely boggles my mind. First of all, does Joshua really think “tam-PON” is pronounced “tamp-IN”?  Second of all, what type of parent agrees to let their child appear on The Bachelorette — for a sex ed class taught by five strange men?

Meanwhile, back at Casa Bachelorette, Clint and JJ are just lounging around on the leather couches in their swim trunks, wrist-wrestling. And no, that’s not a euphemism.

So either these two men have become fast friends and are killing the many, many hours that they’re confined to the house by goofing off, hanging out, and generally shooting the shit… or they’re homosexuals in love. Or they’re just pretending to be homosexuals in love by talking about shower shenanigans and being a Bachelorette “success story” because they know it’ll get them attention — and what they need more than anything in the world is attention.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 3

Honestly, though, can we please get back to the real issue here? These children, who seem to be around 8 or 9 years old, are about to be taught the various parts of the female anatomy by a man whose hair looks kind of like a giant head tarantula.

I’ve gotta hand it to Ryan, though — when the curly haired boy asked him what the word “clitoris” means, he managed to give an answer that was both PG-13 and not entirely inaccurate: “That’s what makes her want to have sex with you again.” (Side note: I would’ve been pissed about ABC bleeping “clitoris” if they hadn’t also bleeped “penis.”)

The big reveal — that these kids are in fact actors — does not make it any less horrifying. You think that little girl who asked Jonathan “How many positions are there for having sex?” wasn’t uncomfortable saying those words because she read them off a script? And either this little girl will win an Oscar one day, or she was legitimately disturbed by Joshua’s declaration that when she grows up, the lining of her uterus will regularly “die.”

Double props to Ben H., who uses the story of female egg fertilization to express his feelings for Kaitlyn and even manages to make impersonating a sperm almost romantic. And she LOVES it. “He was so good in front of those kids today,” she raves. “I’m definitely looking for him to bring the heat tonight.” And Ben does, letting it drop that he works with his friend’s non-profit organization that helps kids in Honduras — and, more importantly, pointing out their current proximity to the Die Hard building. They share a lengthy kiss… and despite Jared’s best smooching efforts later that night, Ben gets the rose.

Cocktail party time! Boy, Kaitlyn sure loves a cut-out dress, doesn’t she? Clint’s on a mission as soon as the Bachelorette walks in: “I love JJ,” he announces. “So I need to get a rose from Kaitlyn.” He starts with a little self-deprecating humor, telling the Bachelorette that his “balls” were damaged during the Sumo date, and then segues into “get real” territory: Their connection “scared” him and he “shut down.” She seems to buy it — even though Clint confesses to us later that he’s “not really interested in Kaitlyn” but he wants to stay and hang out more with his bestie JJ.

Fortunately, one by one the guys are all sitting down to tell Kaitlyn that Clint and JJ are the reason for the “tension” in the house. It’s unclear exactly what, if any, examples they give her — but before you know it a “pissed off” Kaitlyn is storming back into Casa Bachelorette to give Clint a piece of her mind. (Why just Clint? Who knows.) “Clint is one of the biggest douches in Bachelor history!” says Kaitlyn, as we watch her lead him outside for a “private” drubbing. But the two hours are almost up, so it looks like we’re back to the same situation we found ourselves in last week: TO BE CONTINUED.

But don’t be sad — there’s no rose ceremony, but at least Team Bachelorette found time to include a lengthy discussion of Joe’s errant testicle.

Well, rose lovers, are you happy Kupah’s gone (and Clint’s about to get the boot)? On a scale of who cares to majorly outraged, how do you feel about ABC’s “Brokeback Bachelor” hype? Approximately how much, rounding up to the nearest thousand, do you think those kid actors will have to spend on therapy? And who’s your favorite “frontrunner” — Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn, or Jared? Post your thoughts below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here as well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go try to scrub this image out of my brain:

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.