'The Bachelorette' Season Premiere Recap: 3's a Crowd
Gah! What an excruciatingly long wait, rose lovers. Thank goodness we’re all back together on a new “journey” on The Bachelorette — even if this one is a bit more crowded than usual.
“Change is never easy,” host Chris Harrison informs us, as he explains that the decision to have two Bachelorettes this season was really an altruistic one. “When we were interviewing the men who wanted to come on this show, they were truly divided as to which girl they thought they could fall in love with,” he explains. “It seemed unfair to make that decision for the men.” Yes, it’ll be “awkward” and “a bit painful,” but dammit, the road to “true love” is never smooth, people. Just suck it up!
And now for the obligatory “In Case You Missed It” clip package. Get to know Kaitlyn…
And Britt:
Everybody clear? Good. Let’s meet the dudes! Jonathan from Detroit has a cute little boy and a preference for Britt. Joe from Kentucky (who, if you’ll recall, Chris Harrison singled out as one of the five men to watch this season) is a good ol’ boy with aggressive hair…
…and a preference for Kaitlyn. Josh from Chicago is a tattooed lawyer/fireman… Wait, he became a fireman because he needed a job that “pays the bills”? I’m pretty sure firefighters aren’t that well paid….
Ohhhhh… that kind of fire pole. Got it. Moving on to Brady, a singer/songwriter from Nashville who’s on #TeamBritt. Brady’s demeanor and musical ability can pretty much be summed up with a single, iconic image:
Joshua is a welder from a tiny town in Idaho who comes complete with his own handcrafted metal rose.
Ian from Venice, California (another of Harrison’s 5 to Watch) had his promising running career cut short when he was hit by a car and “essentially left for dead.” But after a long, hard recovery, Ian is back and buffer than ever, and he wants to begin his “second-chance” life with a “genuine,” “thoughtful” lady like Kaitlyn.
Moving on to Jared from Rhode Island. I can’t really tell you much about him — I couldn’t hear anything he said over the sound of my many, many questions about his facial hair.
Perhaps I should take a lesson from Tony, the “healer” from St. Louis, and stop focusing so much on the external. “The further I drift away in my mind, the closer I seem to get where I wanna be,” explains the meditative, occasionally “anti-social” Spiritual Gangster.
Another athlete in the running: Ben Z., the personal trainer from San Jose. He lost his mom when he was 14, so I’m going to refrain from sarcasm for the next 15 seconds.
Phew, that was tough. Fortunately it’s time for the Ritual Humiliation of Britt and Kaitlyn to begin. “Ladies,” please take your spots in front of Casa Bachelorette, and remember to maintain a 15-foot “safety buffer” between you at all times.
Ben H., 26: This software salesman from Denver strides confidently over to Kaitlyn first, though he clearly prefers Britt. “We have the sponsored children together,” he tells her, eliciting a classic Britt gasp-hand-to-heart maneuver.
Jonathan, 33: The dad from Detroit greets both of the ladies with an appreciative “Mmm, mmm, mmm,” but it’s Britt who gets the lingering hug.
Clint, 27: Harrison told us this architectural engineer from Chicago “walks the line” between “cocky and arrogant,” but all we can tell from this greeting is that he thinks Britt has a nice smile and he may or may not have walked past Kaitlyn without saying hello.
Ryan B, 32: By the time this realtor from Florida greets Britt with a “Hi, Disney princess,” it’s becoming very clear that the producers want us to believe that the human Bratz Doll is the frontrunner with the guys. Truth or intentional fake-out? At the very least, Kaitlyn has a good sense of humor about it.
Jared, 26: He of the untamed stubble announces that “Love Man” is his superhero alter ego, and to his credit Jared does try to address his comments to both women at once.
Kupah, 32: Seriously, Team Bachelorette — you can’t ask ONE of the guys to greet Kaitlyn first? (Also, Kupah? OK.)
Brady, 33: Thank you Jesus (or Team Bachelorette) for stopping this guy from serenading Britt and Kaitlyn as his limo-exit gimmick. You know he wanted to. Anyhow, he greets Britt first, which of course makes Kaitlyn feel very sad-face. “She’s so nervous,” muses Britt. “She doesn’t seem quite herself right now. And that’s kind of sad.”
Cory, 35: While this “residential developer” greets Kaitlyn first, he then makes a beeline for Britt and begins complimenting her eyes. Oof. Sighs Kaitlyn, “If this night doesn’t get any better, I could be the one going home.” And since we’re only about 45 minutes in, I’m pretty sure that means Kaitlyn is not, in fact, going home. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Bring me more men!
Ian, 28: “I’m hoping it’s going to be you,” the recruiter tells Kaitlyn in a stage whisper that is almost definitely loud enough for Britt to hear. “So I’m going to make sure it is.” Props to this guy for his boldness. I guess getting hit by a car really does minimize one’s tolerance for sparing people’s feelings. Needless to say, Ian’s greeting does wonders for Kaitlyn’s mood.
JJ, 32: I’m guessing “former investment banker” means “current collector of unemployment checks”? The good news is, JJ had plenty of time to think up an ice-breaking joke that combines two of Kaitlyn’s favorite things: Hockey and vulgarity. “I would love to puck you,” he tells the wannabe Bachelorette, handing her a hockey puck. And she LOVES it.
Ryan M., 28: This “junkyard specialist,” who gets a laugh from both “ladies” with his “Honeys, I’m home!” greeting, while Bradley, 25, told both women that they’re all playing the same game and hoping for a “love-love match.”
Two goofy entrances in a row? Upbeat music playing in the background? You know what this means, rose lovers — time for a Rapid-Fire Montage of Limo-Exit Absurdity! Dancing Daniel, the 28-year-old fashion designer! Stripper-at-law Josh, who invites Britt and Kaitlyn to pet his hairless chest!
Joe, 28, with his cartoon bottle of moonshine!
Justin, 28, the helium-huffing fitness trainer from Illinois! (Side note: He hurts Britt’s feelings giving Kaitlyn his bunch of balloons.) At least Tanner, also 28, has a gift for Miss Nilsson: A pocket-pack of tissues, because she cries so very, very much. Kaitlyn’s response to the exchange, by the way, is priceless: “What is that — soap or tissues?” Because as everyone who watched last season of The Bachelor knows, Britt could use a bit of both:
Shawn B., 28, starts things off with a group hug but then promptly informs Kaitlyn the she is “the reason why I’m here.” Too bad for Britt, who just moments before was burbling about how Shawn “made me feel something, and I want to check that out a little bit.”
Sorry, Britt-Britt, but Kaitlyn’s way ahead of you in the checking-things-out department — in fact, she just ran inside to chat with the guys, leaving Britt alone outside.
“I know she wants to win and be Bachelorette,” huffs Britt, “but it didn’t seem fair.” Life isn’t fair, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is playing the game perfectly, using her stolen moments with the guys to flatter their egos. “You guys are so handsome!” she gushes. “You guys are killin’ it!”
“Some of these guys are on Team Kaitlyn,” laments Britt, as David, a 26-year-old real estate agent from Orlando wraps her competition in a big hug. “I can really see it going either way.” Not for Corey, the 30-year-old investment banker: He’s Team K All the Way. “I’m not a farmer,” he tells Kaitlyn, while holding a volleyball. “But I’m hoping the offer to plow your field was still on the table.” Oh dude, you KNOW it is.
Swinging to the opposite end of the creepy spectrum, it’s time for Tony the healer. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for awhile,” he murmurs to Britt. “I believe in love… and I hope that the universe provides.” Britt’s all OHEMGEE he’s totally Team Me!!!, but then she hears Tony say the exact same thing to Kaitlyn.
Meanwhile, back inside the mansion, Ryan M. is getting “all horned up,” which is another way of saying “completely s–tfaced.” Perhaps he’s also a Drunkyard Specialist? (Ba-dum-bum.)
OK, Team Bachelorette, it’s clearly time to speed up these arrivals. On second thought…
…maybe it’s just time to call it a night? And not just because Ryan M. is so drunk — and he’s definitely very drunk — but because the man driving the hot tub car, Shawn E., 31, has chosen to describe himself on national television as an “Amateur Sex Coach.” I guess his last job at the FBI (Female Body Inspector) didn’t work out? But for now, Britt and Kaitlyn are blissfully in the dark about Shawn E.’s chosen “profession,” and the only thing bothering them is how Ryan M. rudely yelled “Dude, you suck!” at Shawn E. as he drove up in his “car pool.” Notes Kaitlyn, “If I was to give out a Worst Impression Rose, it would go to Ryan M.!” (Don’t be so hasty, honey. Shawn E. hasn’t told you about this “anal toys” yet. More on that later.)
Chris, 28, is a dentist from Nashville, and the cupcake shtick is his way of doing “something sweet” for the two maybe-Bachelorettes. So… OK? I will admit, though, he has excellent teeth.
Once Joshua, 31, and Ben Z., 26, finally make their entrances, Harrison ushers Britt and Kaitlyn inside, advising them to take some “personal space” while they get to know the random men who will determine their fate. Speaking of which: “Britt is more of your trophy wife, [and] Kaitlyn is more of your wife,” declares Kupah, managing to insult both women in totally different ways.
Indeed, Britt and Kaitlyn are very different people — Kaitlyn breaks the ice at the cocktail party with a silly knock-knock joke, while Britt earnestly announces to the room that she’s looking for a “best friend.” Kaitlyn chooses not to disparage her rose rival (as far as we know), while Britt pooh-poohs Kaitlyn’s attempt at “stand-up.” Kaitlyn is what your grandma might call “forward” (e.g. complimenting a guy on his dimples); Britt does a lot of this:
As for the guys? We don’t learn too much about them at this point, since all anyone cares about is whether they’re #TeamBritt or #TeamKaitlyn. Two interesting tidbits: Justin the fitness trainer has a five-year-old son named Aurelius, and Clint is an artist… of sorts.
“I’m sorry, is that a triceratops?” asks Kaitlyn politely. I think Harrison described this portrait best when he told Yahoo TV, “It was like something someone in prison might draw and send to you.”
Enough levity! The host has arrived (sans triceratops) and he has an important announcement: “The voting room is now open.” That’s all Tony needs to hear. He stands up and bolts to the candlelit Decision Chamber. “I’m secure in what I feel, and I didn’t need to hear anymore,” he explains. And if you think that means, “I know which woman I want to choose,” you would be mistaken.
Instead, Tony needed to feel which box had more “pulsating” “energy.” Survey says… Britt! And with that, the ominous music begins to play, as the other men begin mulling over which woman deserves to get a rose in her box. (Yeah, that sounded weird to me too.) The tension starts to get to the “ladies,” too — at least I think that’s why Kaitlyn was making the Psycho shower-scene noise right into the camera. I’m sure she’s just joking about how nuts the whole situation is, but I like to think her message was more pointed.
While the “ladies” sweat it out, the men continue to both cast their votes, using a variety of techniques.
The Smile-and-Drop:
The What-Might-Have-Been:
The I’ve-Got-One-Hand-in-My-Pocket-and-the-Other-One’s-Voting-for-the-Canadian:
Uh-oh, Britt just commented on how “sweet” and “nice” all the guys are — I guess that means it’s time to check on tonight’s Designated Drinker.
And from there, he tried to smack Kaitlyn on the tush, and she did NOT love it.
I think it’s safe to say whichever woman becomes the Bachelorette, she will not be giving Ryan M. a boutonniere of acceptance. Still, you’ve gotta hand it to the guy: Even when he gets falling down drunk, literally, he doesn’t spill a drop of his beer.
Which brings us to the night’s most interesting voting technique, The See-What-Sticks:
After disrespecting the rose and threatening to rape JJ, there’s nothing left for Ryan M. to do but get escorted to the Moron Van by Pauly, the very burly security guard/Defender of Casa Bachelorette’s Honor/owner of a badass leather newsboy cap.
Fare thee well, Ryan M.! Perhaps if you complete a few community-mandated courses on alcohol management and sensitivity training, the producers will have you back for Bachelor in Paradise Season 2.
Hold up! Guys, the night is almost over. Your wife isn’t going to pick herself, you know. Get out the vote! Kupah, you’re up.
The Stop-and-Kiss-the-Roses:
At long last, Harrison announces that all the flowers have been cast, and he’s about to tally the votes — with an assist from Pauly, of course. (Side note: If someone wants to make a buddy movie starring Chris Harrison and Pauly, I would watch the hell out of that.) And if you think you’re sick of waiting to find out who got the most roses, think of how Britt and Kaitlyn must feel… especially when they see this:
You didn’t think Team Bachelorette would tell us on night one, did you? Don’t be silly — ABC still has one more hour on its schedule to fill. I don’t know what’s more painful: having to wait another night for the results or listening to Shawn E. explain his “profession” to Britt.
On that note, hit me in the comments with your thoughts about part 1 of The Bachelorette premiere, and then check out Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Which woman will the guys pick? Which guys should the eventual Bachelorette pick? And how awesome would it be if ABC started selling these boxes at Pottery Barn?
Photo by Chris Harrison
My hand to God, I would buy one. See you tomorrow night, rose lovers!
Part 2 of The Bachelorette’s season premiere airs Tuesday, May 19 at 9 p.m. on ABC.
