‘The Bachelor’ Season 21: Translating the Press Release

The countdown to The Bachelor is on, rose lovers (28 days until the premiere, if you’re being precise), and more details about Nick Viall’s “journey” to find “love” are starting to leak out. And by “leak out,” I mean “teased in an official ABC press release,” which arrived in our inboxes this a.m. As with all official communications about The Bachelor, this press release is written in a mysterious language I like to call “vague hyperbolise,” and thus requires some BS-to-English translation. So let’s get to it, shall we?

Related: ‘The Bachelor’ Preview: A Completely Unnecessary Look at Nick Viall’s Odd Fashion Choices

What the press release says:
In “Episode 2101,” a trio of popular former Bachelors — Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins — offer their support and encouragement to Nick, who will face all-new pressures and responsibilities. Their words of wisdom calm him as limos start to arrive with women all eager to make a lasting first impression…. Nick is blindsided by the arrival of a mysterious woman from his past. The secret they share threatens to derail his search for love. What are her intentions?

What it really means:
After the extended “(Re)Meet Nick the Bachelor” montage, the season premiere will kill more time with a completely unnecessary visit from the always available Sean Lowe, Chris Soules, and Ben Higgins, who between them, have less experience with this franchise than Nick does at this point. Things really won’t get started until about 45 minutes in, and the limo arrivals will drag on for another 30 minutes until the obligatory “mysterious woman from the Bachelor’s past” arrives. We know you all want this to be Jen Saviano, the woman Nick dumped on Bachelor in Paradise, but we also know that even if it’s some random woman you’ve never heard of/can barely remember, you’ll never really be mad enough to make good on your promise to “stop watching this stupid show forever.”

What the press release says:
Once inside the mansion, the party really gets started, as the women compete to spark a special connection with the handsome Bachelor. A battle breaks out over which of the bachelorettes will land the first kiss. Although Nick tries his best to give all the women the attention they deserve, the women who haven’t had any time with him begin to panic. In the end, Nick’s instant chemistry with one stunning bachelorette helps her capture the coveted first impression rose. The stakes are high and as the evening winds down, it’s time for the first rose ceremony. Twenty-two lucky women will continue on the journey to win Nick’s heart.

What it really means:
We cut-and-pasted this from the last press release and changed “Ben” to “Nick.”

What the press release says:
Eleven women get the shock of their lives when they discover they will perform on the same stage as the world famous The Backstreet Boys and get a chance to show off their dance skills for Nick and a live concert audience. Olympians Michelle Carter, Allyson Felix and Carl Lewis offer their expertise to bachelorettes participating in a track and field face-off, with the winner receiving special alone time with Nick.

What it really means:
Most of the “ladies” competing for Nick were 4 years old when the Backstreet Boys released their breakout album, but we stunt-cast these group dates for the 40-and-over women watching this show, not the contestants. As for the Olympics date, we have to send an unnecessary ambulance for at least one bachelorette each season — so this year, expect a whole lotta fuss over a hurdle mishap or something.

What the press release says:
As in the past, women will continue to be eliminated on a regular basis, but if at any point a woman should decide that she’s no longer interested in the Bachelor, she can reject his invitation to continue dating.

What it really means:
Wait, why is this line still in there? [yelling to intern outside office] Patrice, I told you to delete the “feminism boilerplate”!

The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 2 at 8 p.m. on ABC.