'The Bachelor' Finale Recap: 'I Never Want to Say Goodbye to You'

Give me a minute, rose lovers. I just need to put my head between my knees and take a few deep breaths before we begin. Even after 10 weeks of tears and often intensely-uncomfortable drama, tonight’s three-hour finale “journey” took a lot out of me. Deep breaths…

Okay, let’s do this.

After a brief stop in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome — where Harrison informs us that Team Bachelor has flown in both JoJo’s and Lauren’s families so Ben can get married on live TV tonight BECAUSE NOTHING IS SACRED — we open on Jamaica, where Lauren is luxuriating on the balcony in those god-awful denim panties.

Then again, maybe Team Bachelor issued some kind of memo that day.

Both “ladies” are super-duper in love and both of them are feeling that “him and I are in this together.” JoJo, in fact, says she has “zero doubts” that Ben loves her the most — which we all know means things ain’t gonna go so well for JoJo.

And that brings us to our poor, befuddled Bachelor, who can’t believe he’s gone from fearing that he’s unlovable to loving — and being loved by — a whole bunch of people. (Moment of silence for Caila.) “Right now it’s impossible for me to imagine saying goodbye to either of these women,” he moans. “I’m scared I’m going to make a mistake.” Oh, don’t worry about that, Ben — you’ve already made so many mistakes, what’s one more?

Related: ABC Announces the New Star of ‘The Bachelorette’

Fortunately, Ben’s infinitely patient parents Amy and David have arrived in Jamaica to counsel their son. And Mom’s expression when Ben says “I’m in love with two women” is just priceless.

“Wow,” she says wearily. “To know that Ben could possibly be in love with two women… is really disturbing to me.”

Shake it off, Mama, because Lauren is here with flowers that appear to be soaking in blood.

They all share a good laugh about that awkward moment Lauren and Ben were on their first date and Lauren said something about wanting to meet his parents — but then it’s down to business.

“I am very much in love with Ben,” she tells David, adding that she’s “ready” to get married. Things get a little more real with Amy, as she and Lauren discuss Ben’s persistent feeling of unworthiness. “We haven’t had to face anything really, really difficult and then get through that together,” Lauren admits, and she asks Mom’s advice for making Ben feel better when he’s shame spiraling. Amy says Ben’s wife will need to be “patient” and be able to “talk him off the ledge” when he needs it. So… is Lauren that person? “She’s a sweet gal,” hedges Mom. “I don’t know.” Nor does she seem to have a lot of faith in her son’s ability to get himself out of this romantic pickle.

And indeed, it does seem that he’s effed, as Ben sends Lauren off with smooches and I love yous. Because in just a few hours he’ll be faced with this:

Yes, JoJo wearing a floral romper (just say no, kids!) and holding some kind of hotel gift shop conch shell planter thing. Good God, woman. JoJo’s a little high-strung and nervous, but once she gets her initial word-vomit out — she loves Ben so much, is so “blessed” to be there, etc. — she seems to settle down. “It’s always comforting to be around her,” says Ben… who then proceeds to tell his Mom and Dad about the time he and JoJo took a helicopter ride in Vegas but missed the Hoover Dam because they were making out too much. What the hell kind of family is this? JoJo is understandably mortified.

Don’t worry, JoJo — Amy and David aren’t judgmental folks. Even though Dad says Lauren “set that bar pretty high,” he seems pretty won over after JoJo cries to him about how much she loves Ben. Both Lauren and JoJo, it should be noted, make a point of letting Ben’s Mom know that he said “I love you” back to them — no doubt the “ladies” think this proves they alone are right for her son. Anyhow, JoJo’s tears seem to have an effect on Amy as well. “Well hon, I could tell right off the bat that he thinks you’re amazing,” she says soothingly, giving JoJo a hug.

“For me, it did feel different today,” Mom tells Team Bachelor.

Oh Lord, Mom, now you’ve gone and done it. Don’t you know that expressing even the slightest preference for one of the women this early in the episode means she can’t possibly be the one who winds up with Ben in the end? Then again, Ben did just remind JoJo how much he loves her… Oh for God’s sake, who knows? And now poor Amy is crying again. Will her Bachelor-related torment never end?

Let’s move on to the Last-Chance Dates.

Lauren’s up first, and she meets Ben — who has spent the last 24 hours praying for “clarity” — on a catamaran. Lauren, though, has no idea how conflicted Ben is. “I can’t believe that he loves me,” she marvels. “The fact that he has told me that gives me a certain amount of confidence.” But once she and Ben are at sea, Lauren can tell that the Bachelor — who admits he hasn’t been sleeping — is kind of a wreck. “I feel like he’s thinking about something and I don’t really know what,” she admits. “It’s making me nervous.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Season Finale

As it turns out, what Ben’s thinking about is nothing new: The Bachelor just can’t get over how “perfect” his relationship with Lauren has been from the beginning, and that’s giving him the jitters. “I knew I loved you… right away and it freaks me out,” he laments. “What in the hell is happening? That’s where my mind’s at.” His real concern, he continues, is that he has no idea what it’s like to go through a stressful time with Lauren, since every moment of their 2 months together (or whatever) has been so blissful. “We haven’t been tested,” he says, adding that he and JoJo have been through “rough things” and “overcame.” First of all [long sigh], it’s overcome. Second of all, what rough things? The fact that her ex wrote her a letter? Sure, that’s akin to the loss of a job, or the death of a family member, or fertility issues — or any number of actual problems real couples go through. And then, because God is a Bachelor fan, He introduces a perfect metaphor via weather.

JUST LIKE IN LIFE, YOU GUYS.

That night, Ben admits to Lauren that he came away from their date “confused,” but when she asks him if he has more questions for her, he gives her a look that is, for lack of a better term, super creepy.

So Lauren fills the silence by reiterating how great everything is between them, and how all the “fear” and “things that were hard” were worth it because it brought them together. “I’m ready to, like, spend my life with you,” she says. “Like, truly.” After a very extended silence, Ben responds — and if I were Lauren, what he says would be freaking me the hell out.

“Lauren, no matter what happens, you’ve made me a better person.”

Or at least, I think that’s what he said? Ben is so tired at this point he’s slurring his words like a drunk frat boy. Either way, I’m guessing all Lauren hears is “no matter what happens.” Her eyes fill with tears. “I’m scared that Ben is in love with JoJo too,” she admits.

Only Ben knows for sure, honey. Actually, not even Ben knows, if we’re being honest. “It’s not like Lauren’s taken a step back,” explains the Bachelor. “It’s just… JoJo’s caught up.” Speaking of which: JoJo, put on some cutoffs and part of a shirt, because it’s time for your Last Chance Date.

“I am confident that I’m going to be Ben’s wife,” says JoJo, as the Bachelor drives her past an enthusiastic Jamaican man selling “ice cold jelly.” And her confidence shows; when Ben asks her what his worst characteristic is, JoJo doesn’t hesitate: “The fact that you’re [on this show].”

Still, JoJo knows that this is her Last Chance™ to get answers from Ben before the Proposal Platform, so she decides to broach the topic of post-Final Rose living arrangements. “It’s not like things are going to be super easy, you know?” she tells Ben. “You’re gonna be in Denver and I’m in Dallas…” Rather than waiting for a response, JoJo just keeps talking, telling Ben that she’ll do “whatever it takes” to make their relationship work. And when that doesn’t elicit any real feedback from Ben, she finally asks him, point blank, “Do you feel good?” (Meaning, “Do you feel good about your choice — which is obviously me, right? RIGHT?”)

It does not take a body-language expert to see that Ben’s answer — “Well that’s a loaded question,” mumbled through his hand — is not super promising.

“Oh God,” moans JoJo. “The fact that that’s not just a ‘yes’ makes me nervous.” (It should be noted that earlier when Lauren asked “Are you ready?” Ben grinned and nodded.) The Bachelor tries to explain but only makes things worse. “My mind is in a thousand different places,” he says. “I really don’t know what’s going to go on.”

Naturally, JoJo presses Ben for a little more clarity when they meet up in her hotel room later that night. And he maybe gives it to her? “What I’m feeling for you is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. And if I make that commitment at the end, like, you wouldn’t ever have anything to worry about.” And now, my visual representation of what JoJo heard:

It doesn’t help that Ben can’t identify a single problem he sees with their relationship. “There’s not a concern,” he sighs. “I wish there was one.” Even though he informs JoJo that she’s his “best friend” and that he also feels “passion” and “intimacy” with her, JoJo only wants to hear the one thing he’s never going to say on-camera: “I want him to tell me that it’s me.”

This leads to the Bathroom Breakdown we saw in the previews.

Oh, he’ll give you something, honey. He’ll give you the news that he’s said “I love you” to Lauren, too. Word of advice, JoJo: Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to know the answer. Also, if you don’t want to compete with other people for the same man, maybe don’t go on The Bachelor. “He loves two people at one time,” she says weepily. “I thought that was something that was so special that he had said to me… I’m a little hurt, upset.” A little? Girl, you deserve better.

Ben isn’t feeling much better. “I’m a lost man right now,” he groans. “I’m lost.” It’s hard not to feel a little bad for the guy; he’s such a people pleaser that he couldn’t help but say “I love you” back to JoJo and Lauren, but now his neuroses-fed chicken have come home to roost.

After what we can only assume was a fitful night’s sleep, Ben wakes up “just as confused and conflicted than I’ve ever been,” he tells us. “Today will be incredibly difficult.” You don’t know the half of it, buddy.

Though to be honest, this may be the best Neil Lane segment ever. Even his innocuous questions like “What is she like?” are hilariously fraught for Ben, and the moment Neil realizes that Ben doesn’t know who he’s picking a ring for is, in a word, priceless.

The salesman’s simple inquiry — “Do you know who it is?” — sends Ben into a flashback shame spiral… which concludes with this very happy announcement: “I do know who it is.”

About freaking time, pal. Now suit up and go make one lucky woman your (probably temporary) fiancée. Team Bachelor loads JoJo and Lauren into separate helicopters and sends them off to their fate. And the first one out of the helicopter is…

"Ben has always promised not to blindside me,” muses JoJo, “and I would hope he wouldn’t do it on a day like today.” Girl, what do you think this day is for? Anyhow, she launches into the weird reverse-proposal thing that Team Bachelor insists the final two “ladies” deliver: “This is worth it. You are worth it,” says JoJo, her voice shaking. “I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart.” And though Standard Bachelor Procedure dictates that Ben must offer a maddeningly vague preamble before dumping his second choice, JoJo seems to know where this is going as soon as he stammers, “I, uh…”

“I didn’t know if I could find love,” Ben explains. “I found it with you… [longest 5-second pause ever]… but I found it with somebody else more.” OOOOOF. JoJo lets out a sort of moan and whispers, “Oh my God.” Of course Ben can’t stop trying to make her feel better, but he ain’t helping anybody by saying things like “I don’t want to say goodbye” and “I still don’t question that I do love you.”

“I really can’t handle this,” murmurs JoJo. “I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m so confused and blindsided.” And royally pissed. Don’t forget that, honey. Steeling herself, JoJo cuts off Ben’s ramblings with a curt, “It’s fine,” and announces that she’s leaving. Ben follows, pleading and trying to justify himself every step of the way — but JoJo is not trying to hear it. “For you to tell me how in love you were with me? You shouldn’t have done that!” she sobs.

“I’m happy for you,” JoJo says quietly, no doubt knowing it’s like a dagger to Ben’s heart. And with that, it’s all over but the limo breakdown.

The Bachelor is just as devastated, which is confusing and will no doubt cause some tension with Lauren when she watches his emotional reaction. “I don’t deserve JoJo,” he says, weeping. “I am about to get on one knee and ask a woman to marry me, and I was confused about that because of JoJo. Because that’s how much I love her.” Wait… what?

Okay, so… Ben loves JoJo so much, he’s going to marry Lauren. Because that’s how much he loves JoJo. Got it. Welp, dude, you know what you have to do.

Of course Mr. Bushnell gives Ben his blessing, and the Bachelor celebrates with a Judd-Nelson-at-the-end-of-The-Breakfast-Club fist pump. Once Lauren arrives and makes her way uneasily across the wooden walkway to the proposal platform, she is as calm and confident as JoJo was shaky and nervous. (Did JoJo know going into the proposal that Ben was going to dump her? Discuss.) “You’re the person I want to spend my whole life with,” Lauren says. “You’re my person. I love you.”

Naturally, Ben takes a longer-than-necessary pause before launching into his speech — just long enough so Team Bachelor can capture Lauren’s momentary flash of “oh s–t panic — but once he gets going it’s all happiness and unicorns.

WHOOOO! Oh, did I say that out loud? I’ll admit when Ben told Lauren he wants to wake up every morning and kiss her face, I was so pumped I almost did a victory lap around the apartment. I blame the mirror neurons.

And I gotta say, the ring he chose is about 64 percent less tacky than the usual Neil Lane monstrosities.

Having handed out his final rose ("Gimme that thing!” Lauren commands with a giggle), Ben and his bride-to-maybe-be fly off into the Jamaican sunset courtesy of an awaiting Sandals helicopter. And you have to imagine that was pretty brutal for JoJo to watch. Let’s ask her, shall we?

But first, “the man himself,” Ben Higgins! After a playful fist-pump callback, Ben reiterates that his “journey” “wasn’t easy,” and that he’s feeling “a lot of emotions” about the whole finding-a-wife-on-TV thing. “It makes my stomach hurt,” he admits of watching the show back. The Bachelor credits Harrison for helping him make a decision. “It was a good talk that you and I had… You said, 'Is there somebody here who you can’t picture life without?’” he recalls. “And, it was Lauren.”

Great, pal, but now we need to see you apologize to JoJo. Let’s bring her out!

Not loving the peekaboo-boob revenge dress, but JoJo definitely looks great. “It’s good to see you,” she tells Ben… because what else is she going to say? “I’m nervous.” So is Ben, who looks like he could use a little Pepto Bismol. “We had such a good thing for so long,” he admits. “I will never regret having you as a part of my life.”

As for the why of it all, there’s not a lot that Ben can say, other than everything he said to JoJo was genuine, and that he has lots of “respect” for her. And that’s maybe okay, because now that she’s watched the season back, JoJo feels like she has a lot more clarity about why she was blindsided. “I feel like it helped me to see that it was hard for you too,” she says. “Your connection with Lauren, it was so ealrly on, it really did help me understand why you ended up choosing her in the end.” And if you really want a happy ending, get this: JoJo says she and Lauren are “good friends.” See, Middle East? World peace CAN be achieved!

Oh wait, hold up… JoJo does have some questions for Ben still. “What was the deciding factor for you?” Answer: Um, Ben went with his gut? “I couldn’t picture my life without Lauren,” he repeats. So yeah, that’s about all the closure you’re gonna get, honey… and she’s okay with that. “I’ve moved on in a sense,” she told Ben. “I’m at peace with where I’m at.”

And where she’s at… is being the star of the next season of The Bachelorette! Thank you, Team Bachelor, for not picking Caila. Seriously. THANK YOU.

And now it’s time to reunite the happy couple. Lauren, come on in!

Wait… she’s in white. Why is she in white? We thought this whole “we brought in Ben’s pastor” thing was just an annoying joke.

Before we can get to any fake live-TV wedding, though, Harrison asks the question all viewers have: So, Lauren, what was it like watching the man you plan to marry tell some other woman that he loves her… including on the day that he proposed to you? It seems Ben anticipated this problem — better late than never, right? — and told Lauren the whole truth the night they got engaged. “Nothing was a surprise,” she says. “Although it’s hard to relive it, we had already talked about it.” Way to be forgiving, honey!

When we come back from commercial, Lauren reveals that she’s going to move to Denver to be with her future husband. “Have you guys talked about a wedding?” nudges Harrison. No — and though Lauren doesn’t want a long engagement, she says “we also want to date a bit.” But just when you think Harrison is going to spring the insta-wedding idea on them, it’s time for the obligatory and unfunny Jimmy Kimmel crossover.

When the host finally does put Ben on the spot, alerting him to the presence of his pastor, the Bachelor — such an inherent people-pleaser — can barely work up the courage to say no.

But say no he does: “We both owe it to each other to do a wedding with our friends and our family,” says Ben haltingly. That said, Mr. Higgins isn’t going to leave Team Bachelor empty-handed: He invites Lauren and her family to the center of the stage so that he can propose again in front of his family and all of her loved ones.

“This is my new family!” says a beaming Ben, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t get just a wee bit choked up. And then, just because he’s maybe the nicest nice guy ever, Ben wants to make an announcement. “For about 10 more minutes I’m still relevant,” he jokes, before offering a heartfelt thanks to “Bachelor Nation” for all of their support and love. “Thank you for the last year of my life.”

Okay, maybe it’s the sleep deprivation, caffeine withdrawal, or actual human emotions, but now I am crying. Am I alone?

Well, rose lovers, much like Ben, I would like to thank you for taking this “journey” with me. I couldn’t do it without it. And before we go, please take a moment and say your goodbyes in the comments — tell me what you think about Ben’s decision, how he handled saying goodbye to JoJo, and ABC picking JoJo as the next Bachelorette. And tune in tomorrow for Chris Harrison’s final blog of the season.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a nap until May 23^rd.

The Bachelorette will premiere Monday, May 23 at 8 p.m. on ABC.