'The Bachelor' Season Finale Recap: 'We're Gonna Make Some Babies!'

It seems like only yesterday we were watching 30 women descend on Casa Bachelor like a plague of hormonal locusts. Now here we are, a mere 10 weeks later, and Prince Farming is about to take a wife. And by “wife” I mean “woman he may have already dumped.” No matter what happens Monday night, one thing is certain: If Restoration Hardware doesn’t launch a line of Rustic Barn Wedding furniture and accessories, they’re just leaving money on the table.

Even though he’s almost at the end of his “journey,” Bachelor Chris feels straight-up clueless. “I have really no idea what I’m going to do,” he laments. Sure you do, buddy: You’re going to ask your family to figure it out for you! “Just tell me which one to pick,” he (half) jokes to his mom Linda. Call me crazy, but it’s not a terrible idea.

We interrupt this recap to ask: What in the holy hell is Whitney wearing to a farmhouse in Iowa in the middle of winter?

Somehow Whitney still has enough feeling in her legs to charge into the Soules’ house with an infectious “Potential wives don’t shake hands — potential wives gotta hug!” energy. Whitney is so hopped up on adrenaline that when it comes time to give a toast she does not stop talking for nearly one full minute — which as we all know is a LONG time to listen to that voice. But the family is touched by Whitney’s obvious devotion to Chris, and the sisters seem genuinely ready to welcome the nurse into the fold. “There’s something about you,” Lori tells Whitney. “I’m going to miss you when you’re gone.”

If only the Bachelor himself was as certain. Though he assures his sisters that he has no “reservations” about Whitney, he also can’t deny that the “chemistry” he has with Becca is “hard to find.” Plus, she’s “athletic” and “grounded” and “pretty cool” and… Wait, shouldn’t we be talking about Whitney right now? Lori, for one, wants Chris to snap out of it: “He can’t articulate what he loves about [Becca] yet, and that’s a red flag.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelor’ Season Finale 

Chris’s mom Linda — who is giving off a serious Mare Winningham vibe, by the way — sits down with Whitney and gets right to the point. “Why do you think you’re in love with my son?” Once again, Whitney gets all choked up describing her deep love for Prince Farming and her longing for a surrogate set of parents. And mom LOVES it. “What more could a mother ask for than to have a girl come into your home and say, ‘I love your son, I want to be a part of your son’s life’?” It’s no surprise, then, that Whitney leaves planning her future on the farm.

It’s a good thing she’s not listening to Chris’s bull session in the workshop with the menfolk, because once again all of the talk is about Becca. “Whitney’s by far an incredible choice,” he tells the boys, but “until you guys have seen how great Becca is and what’s unique about her, it’s hard to even have a serious conversation about what I should and shouldn’t do.” The Bachelor’s brother-in-law Jason gently suggests to Chris that perhaps he’s leaning toward Becca she’s “hard to get” and “as guys, that’s infinitely attractive.”

We interrupt this recap to ask: For Lord’s sake Becca why did you think “visible black bra” was an OK look for a meeting with your potential in-laws?

Though the Soules family was ready to start sending out wedding invites after Whitney’s visit, they do their very best to keep an open mind once Becca arrives. It’s difficult, given that Whitney was all “Where do I sign?” and the best Becca can do is “We’ll date long-distance and see what happens.” Under any other circumstances, that would be a perfectly reasonable response — but this is The Bachelor, dammit, and the Soules family doesn’t want maybes, they want their golden boy to settle down now. “We’ve seen a California girl not want to come to Iowa before,” says Lori reproachfully. And she’s no less candid with Chris.

Well, let’s let Linda be the judge of that. She sits Becca down in the heart-to-heart alcove and gently urges the recalcitrant young woman to bare her soul. “If I say you have two days to make a decision here or it’s over, what would you do then?” wonders Linda, casually running a hand through Becca’s hair. Tell mama all your secrets, little girl. You can talk to mama. You may think you’re not in love with my son, but mama knows the truth. Mama knows.

And just when I was starting to think Chris might actually go with his gut and not his superego, Team Bachelor finally gives Papa Soules the floor. “I think Whitney’s a sure thing. But I think Becca’s who Chris wants,” muses Gary with a sad smile. “I think he will take the risky path.” Well now you’ve done it, dad! We’re not even halfway through the episode and you’re predicting Becca will “win”? I think we all know that can only mean one thing: Whitney’s the one who’ll receive the final rose. (Also: We’re still not even halfway through? My God, this is going to be a long night.)

Of course there’s still time for Becca to prove me wrong: It’s Last Chance Date Night! Chris meets Becca at the Hotel Julien in Dubuque, where he tries again to get some clarity.

When Becca informs him that she can’t give him a “timeline” for when she might be ready to move… well, his crestfallen face is kinda heartbreaking.

While Becca will admit to wanting to get married and have kids, she can’t “specifically” tell the Bachelor what she wants her life to be like in five years. “What do you want?” he counters, frustrated. “Maybe the question I should ask is why don’t you feel like you’re in love with me?” Becca, bless her withholding little heart, is once again stumped. “I don’t know, and I want so badly to be able to answer that question.”

Chris. Buddy. It’s closing time. You don’t have to marry Whitney, but you can’t stay here. Move along, son. No? You’re gonna stay and keep pushing Becca for some answers? All right, go with God. “If we fell in love, what would hold you back from us falling in love and having a family? You’ve gotta be honest with me,” he pleads. “Don’t hold back.” And she doesn’t.

"Now we’re getting somewhere," sighs Chris, who is practically sweating from all the effort he’s putting into making this conversation with Becca mean something. Man, I hope she appreciates it. I mean, look at the poor guy — he’s on the verge of a nervous collapse!

There, there, pal. Why don’t you go harvest some corn? That’ll make you feel better. Indeed, Whitney’s Last Chance Date begins on some kind of elaborate corn-shucking tractor, and naturally she doesn’t mind one bit. “Pretty sexy, I will admit that,” she tells the Bachelor. (Also sexy? He owns 800 acres of land and a huge farmhouse.)

We interrupt this recap to ask: What the effity eff is Whitney wearing around her neck? Are those giant Tylenol pills?

That night, Whitney gives Chris her closing romantic argument: “When I’m not with you, I want to be with you. I can’t describe it, I just do. I feel like when you say things, I can finish your sentence… It’s just little things like that. Sometimes you can’t even explain. It just is. And that’s why I’m sure.” And he LOVES it. But does he love her? Well… let’s let Chris explain it. “What you just said is something that I reciprocate,” he says stiffly. “I am excited about you, about what we have.” OK, so he’s not Robert Browning, but I think he maybe means it.

(Side note: Remember when they used to make us watch the final two women give the Bachelor some gift-shop souvenir of their “journey” together? So glad those days are over.)

The big day is finally here! Please welcome Neil Lane, jeweler to the “stars,” with his briefcase of sparkly monstrosities.

And then it’s once more unto the barn; the place where Chris Soules raised his first pig is now the place where he will propose (or not) to the woman who will become his wife (unless she doesn’t).

If you’re like me, at this point you’re bouncing up and down in your seat a little bit, chanting “Who is it Who is it Who is it Who is it Who is it Who is it" as you watch the anonymous limo make its way down the dirt road. It’s Becca, right? There’s no way he’s dumping Whitney. It has to be Becca. It has to be… And it IS. As always, Chris Harrison greets the dead woman walking with an inscrutable serenity — though deep down, Becca has to know Whitney has her beat. Because the conclusion is in fact so foregone, Team Bachelor doesn’t even make Becca give the traditional “one final sales pitch” speech before finding out if she’s getting the boot.

"I know that I could see you as being my wife," says the Bachelor, adding with a deep sigh, "But you’re not really ready." Is it me or does Becca look a wee bit relieved? They embrace warmly, and then Chris bundles the runner-up into the Reject Limo and watches her drive off into the horizon. Whether it’s shock or pride or something else entirely, Becca doesn’t shed a single tear in the limo — though I suspect it’s because deep down, this is exactly where she wants to be.

OK, rose lovers, steel yourselves for what’s coming next: Weepy Whitney getting the fairy tale ending she’s always wanted. Though she sounds like she’s about to hyperventilate, Whitney manages to squeak out yet another florid speech about her romantic “journey” with Chris, ending with one last desperate declaration: “I love you so much, I really do. And I’m so scared right now!”

Seriously, dude — either give her the ring or a paper bag she can breathe into. Otherwise you may need to call the paramedics, and I’m guessing it’ll take them awhile to arrive.

I think you know what happened next.

And we’re back in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome! The Bachelor arrives to thunderous applause. Harrison dives right into the awkwardness and asks Prince Farming about Becca: “What if she had given you that affirmation and said I love you — would that have changed things?” Um, rude! The Bachelor handles it as well as can be expected, telling the pot-stirring host that he’s “excited” about his “choice” and he’s “not looking back.”

Correction: He’ll start “not looking back” AFTER the next segment, when Becca joins him for some highly uncomfortable closure.

Bless her heart, Becca really doesn’t seem that broken up about the situation. She applauds Chris for his “patience” and “honesty” and says the entire Bachelor experience has changed her for the better. “It feels like now I’m open to [love],” she says. “It’s the weirdest way that I could have done it, but it happened.” As long as she’s not “open” to love on Bachelor in Paradise, I think she’ll be OK.

Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Schmoopie Reunion!

Naturally, it’s a love-fest from the get-go. “Not only is she gorgeous on the outside, she’s beyond beautiful on the inside,” gushes the Bachelor, adding that Whitney shares a lot of qualities with his beloved sisters. “She constantly amazes me.” Whitney is equally smitten, and perhaps that’s because she’s chosen not to watch any footage of her husband macking on other “ladies.”

Of course, they kept “open lines of communication” about the show and they both insist that they are ready to “move forward.” For now, maybe. But Jimmy Kimmel has it right, Chris: Someday, when you least expect it, during some silly fight about leaving the toilet seat up or who’s turn it is to milk the cows, Whitney will burst into tears and scream, “You had your hand on Jade’s ass! I SAW YOU!”

But enough unpleasantness. Let’s relive that magical moment from just a few minutes ago: Chris and Whitney’s proposal. It’s just as sweet the second time around. And capping it all off, here comes Ma and Pa Soules, who join the happy couple in the barn for a group hug. (Hey, watch the rose, Gary!)

Oh Linda, couldn’t you let Whitney enjoy her engagement for 30 seconds before you start talking about grandkids? Then again, I guess Whitney doesn’t mind. “We’re gonna make some babies!” she declares. “They’re gonna be friggin’ cute.” Except when they’re projectile pooping on you at 4:12 in the morning, sweetheart. (Oh I kid, all babies are miracles, etc.)

We interrupt this recap for some very important news: Ashley Onion is going to be on Bachelor in Paradise! At least, we think so. I think it depends on her mood the day she’s supposed to fly out.

After Jimmy Kimmel’s attention-hogging segment (dude, you already have your own show) it’s time for the big announcement: Who’s going to be the next Bachelorette? Please don’t say Britt Please don’t say Britt Please don’t say Britt Please don’t — wait WHAT?

"We had a real hard time deciding. Bachelor Nation was pretty much split down the middle," explains Harrison. "Even our staff was completely divided." The host then asks the Tealight Candle Thunderdome audience to vote with their applause, and while the winner is clearly Kaitlyn, somehow Team Bachelor thinks it’s a draw. “For the first time in Bachelorette history, we’re going to have two Bachelorettes!” Harrison announces triumphantly, though the crowd’s dissatisfied murmur tells you all you need to know. And the kicker: The MEN get to choose which woman “will make the best wife.” Please take a second to contemplate the sinister brilliance of that statement: The men are going to be in charge of who gets to star on The Bachelorette — a show that’s allegedly all about putting a woman in control of her destiny.

Team Bachelorette then trots their two volunteer tributes out on stage. “I mean, I’m super grateful? It’s an amazing opportunity?” stammers Britt, though Kaitlyn is less flummoxed. “I think we discussed that we’ll end up in the same hot tub at one point,” she jokes. Kaitlyn’s also quite blunt about her initial reaction to sharing the Bachelorette spotlight with Britt: “Well, that’s not ideal.” You can say that again, honey. (Side note: The Bachelor tried the dual-dude approach in Season 6 with Byron vs. Jay — and remember what a rousing success that season was? Anyone?)

Related: ABC Announces the Next ‘Bachelorette’ — and a Truly Crazy Twist

Well, rose lovers, thank you so much for coming with me on this “journey.” It’s been a long season, and a very long night — but please don’t head out before letting me know what you thought of all that’s transpired. Did Chris make the right choice? Will Whitney really move to Arlington? How long do you think it’ll take before she breaks down and watches this season? And for the love of all that’s holy, two Bachelorettes? Post your thoughts now — and be sure to check out part 1 of Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here, which covers Chris’s struggle and proposal. He’ll be chiming in with part 2 about After the Final Rose tomorrow. Thanks again, rose lovers — I couldn’t do this without you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try to unstick my butt from the couch. This could take awhile.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.