‘Scandal’ Season Premiere Recap: You Just Got Poped, Your Majesty

By Kelly Woo

You’re the president of the United States? A queen? Even a pope? (Even the Dope Pope?) Doesn’t matter. Because you’re not Olivia Pope. And all she does is win, win, win, no matter what.

Well, fellow Gladiators, Season 5 of Scandal is upon us, and many of us have what we’ve been waiting for: Olitz in all their sweaty, deliriously happy, sexed-up glory. No, Olivia and Fitz’s relationship isn’t going to be easy — they’ll face pressures from within and without — but hey, who can think about that when they’re rolling around in the sheets. Or when Fitz is sporting white tie (swoon!).

In many ways, the premiere felt like a bit of a reboot. It was (mostly) blessedly free of B613, and high on intramural backstabbing and politicking. If the “ripped from the headlines” case of the week was kind of cheesy, it at least served as a gateway into the issues that Olitz will soon — very soon — face when their relationship goes public. And with that, here’s our live-tweet rundown of the episode:

Love Is in the Air
“My patriotic fires burn,” former VP Sally Langston declares on her generic conservative cable network show. “He bathes in his filthy glory!” No, Sally is not getting all hot and bothered over a new boy toy (she still wears her wedding ring, which is just so predictable). She’s talking about Fitzgerald Grant, the president, who at that very moment, is engaging in some very filthy glory. In bed. With the love of his life.

But, so far it seems, Sally is the only one thundering about Olitz’s affair. The couple has managed to keep it a secret, even from the likes of Abby. The White House writes off Mellie’s non-attendance of a big state dinner as the flu or something.

That state dinner is for the royals from made-up nation Caledonia, including the queen; her son, Prince Richard; and Richard’s wife, Princess Emily. Emily, you see, is a commoner and former human rights lawyer. She’s kind of a mash-up of Kate Middleton and Amal Clooney. Oh, and throw in Princess Diana, because Emily is killed in a terrible car crash (in a freakin’ tunnel, for Shonda’s sake) and her dead body is snapped by hordes of eager paparazzi.

The Queen of Caledonia enlists Olivia’s help in tracking down and destroying all those photos, so Liv and Quinn jump into action. Apparently, Huck is on ice until he confesses “what he did” to Liv (if you don’t remember: he was the one who actually killed all those B613 jurors). Anyway, the gladiators do what they can — paying photographers off, dressing down magazine editors — but it’s kind of a fruitless quest.

Liv solves the problem by giving the tabloids an even bigger photo op: a grieving Prince Richard seeing his wife’s dead body for the first time. So sad.

Stand By Your Woman
A frantic Mellie is trying to douse the raging fire she started with an eye dropper. First, she hits up Lizzy Bear (the new chief of staff) to force Fitz into attending her Senate swearing-in ceremony. Nope, Fitz won’t do it, and Lizzy claims to owe nothing to Mellie. “You don’t matter anymore,” she smirks.

But Olivia, after narrowly ducking Abby at the White House, argues for Fitz to attend. It’s all about the optics.

So, he goes, without telling either Lizzy or Abby, the latter of whom declares he’s not attending to the press. The press promptly tells her she’s flat-out wrong. And Abby is pissed. After the swearing-in, Mellie tries to apologize to Fitz. She was wrong to give Rowan those jurors’ names. But they are a team — can’t he do it for nostalgia, for their kids, for her chance to become president? That’s a big, fat NOPE on Fitz’s part. He informs her he wants a divorce.

Meanwhile, the gladiators are still looking into Princess Emily’s car crash, and discover that it wasn’t an accident. Someone hacked into the car’s navigation and caused it to speed up. Liv suspects the prince, who wasn’t at many of Emily’s events. But her hunky bodyguard was by her side the entire time. Looks like the fairy tale was just that — a tale.

But when Liv tells Fitz, he’s inclined to sit on the info. It might endanger his deal with Caledonia to open a naval base there. He even threatens to prosecute Liv if she reveals this to the queen! Oh no you didn’t, Fitz! She huffs home, and is surprised to find Huck there, camped out on her couch. He’s been waiting for her, but she hasn’t been back since shacking up at the White House. The guy looks straight-up broken, yet he’s worried about Liv! “Is he hurting you? On the inside?“ he asks.

Then, he pleads for Liv’s help. “You always fix me,” Huck says. “I can’t go home until you fix me.”

Sadly, Liv can’t fix him this time.

Out With the Old, In With the New
Mellie, having nowhere else to go, seeks out the one other person who knows exactly how she feels: Cyrus. She wants him back as chief of staff, to punt out the vile Lizzy Bear. But Cyrus isn’t inclined to help her; he’s afraid she’d taint him in Fitz’s eyes. Except he’s already been tainted! “He doesn’t want you — any more than he wants me,” Mellie says.

She’s not the only one on the outside looking in. Both Lizzy and Abby feel left out of the decision-making in the White House. And Abby is doubly mad after finding out the truth about Fitz and Oliva.

Back to the royal case: David Rosen sneaks Liv a copy of the autopsy report, which indicates the Princess’s car was speeding. And she was pregnant. Liv deduces that the bodyguard was the father, and the Prince got rid of them both, so she takes the news to the Queen. But the Queen decides against taking any action — because it was she, not Prince Richard, who ordered the hit! Richard was head-over-heels for Emily, blind to her cheating, and the Queen couldn’t handle the idea of a bodyguard’s kid sitting on the throne. But whatevs, she’s the Queen, she’s got diplomatic immunity, and Olivia signed a non-disclosure agreement.

Liv is frustrated and mad. She goes home again, but Huck isn’t there. In fact, he’s at Jake’s, asking for help.

But she is Olivia Freaking Pope. She’s going to find a way around this — and she does. She tells the prince, who isn’t covered by the NDA. And Prince Richard forces his mother to abdicate and give the throne to him. Richard is not a proponent of the U.S. naval base, though, which irks Fitz. Liv tells him they have to keep business and pleasure separate, that they have to draw some boundaries. And she’s a little hesitant about this whole divorce thing. “I want you. I want us,” she says. “But I want to slow down. I want our business handled. I want our problems fixed. I want to be ready, before the world is watching.”

Unfortunately, the world will be watching very soon. Abby interrupts their kissy-kissy time (oh, the look on her face!) with news. Sally Langston is once again talking smack about their affair — except this time, she has proof in the form of pictures from inside the White House.

Olitz, hope you’re ready.

Scandal airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.