'Game of Thrones' Recap: Unsurprising Uprisings
Warning: This recap contains storyline and character spoilers for this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.
If there’s one thing that is universally true about human history, it’s that the past was awful, always and without exception. If you ever hear someone accidentally pine for the past — the Renaissance, say, or the Austen era, or, I don’t know, the '80s — then politely push them into a mud puddle because they clearly fetishize NIGHTMARES.
Name one good thing about a past historical era, and there are at least thirty thousand awful aspects you’re overlooking. “But the master painters were in their prime!,” you might argue. “People literally died from the stench!,” I’d rebut. (This rebuttal would work for almost every past era.)
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Game of Thrones is technically a fantasy series and is therefore escapist fare at heart, but as we all know, George R.R. Martin steeps his storylines with actual historical events, each more awful than the next. This show’s infamous “Red Wedding” was based on Scotland’s very real Black Dinner massacre of 1440. Or this week’s sequence involving the church-sanctioned persecution of homosexuals was based on an obscure real-life incident known as THIS STILL HAPPENS.
What I’m saying is: Game of Thrones is a sober reminder that nostalgia for the past is silly when it’s so often steeped in casual horror. For balancing both thrilling escapism with sober reality, “Sons of the Harpy” was the most unpleasant (but best) episode of the season so far. Let’s talk about it!
We began with newly minted master criminal Ser Jorah doing BIG THINGS in the world of boat jacking. He straight-up punched a boat captain and threw a couple of nickels on him before tossing Tyrion into his stolen vehicle. So far, “Sons of the Harpy” was like an especially weird side-mission on Grand Theft Auto.
Later, Tyrion woke up and immediately asked for wine. But it turned out he was even thirstier for ANSWERS.
As expected, Ser Jorah was taking Tyrion to Daenerys in order to get back into her good graces. That was honestly not a bad idea, but Tyrion was still rolling his eyes so hard considering he was headed that way anyway. We didn’t see what Varys was up to, but I’m guessing he was chasing them on a Sea-Doo. (I know what you’re thinking: Varys probably didn’t know how to ride Sea-Doos. But don’t underestimate Varys!)
Meanwhile, Jaime Lannister was on his top secret mission to rescue his niece-daughter, and he realized that in order to infiltrate the castle, he would have to swim ashore undercover like some kind of Green Beret. But one thing he didn’t realize about Dorne?
It is a snake-infested hellscape! Luckily, Bronn was good at throwing knives at snakes and then cooking them for breakfast, but I was just shaking my head, “No me gusta.” To all future daughter-nieces I may ever have, know this: If you are trapped on a snake-infested nightmare island, you’re on your own. Sorry.
It wasn’t long until Jaime and Bronn were set upon by Dornish soldiers, so a huge sand dune swordfight broke out! Bronn is the kind of guy who will gut your horse, so he set about doing that ASAP.
Meanwhile, Jaime was having a tough time swordfighting with only his left hand. Luckily, his right hand ended up coming in handy. (Which is a play on the word “hand,” did you like it?)
This was just yet another example of why brass hands are a good idea in general.
Friends, the Sand Snakes are AMAZING. Meet Prince Oberyn’s three bastard daughters. You know how in Gremlins, you can make mogwais multiply by getting them wet? Apparently, that same principle also applies to Michelle Rodriguez, because these Sand Snakes may have popped out of her at some point. They are three badass warrioresses with a thirst for avenging their father’s death.
You better believe this plotline is instantly my favorite one. This guy might not agree, though:
He was the captain of the ship carrying Jaime Lannister, and he spilled the beans to the Sand Snakes that Jaime was on his way. Also, he was the recipient of probably the least fun-seeming death in all of Game of Thrones. It was bad enough that he was buried up to his head and covered in scorpions…
But this spear to the face didn’t seem very chill either. Rest in peace, captain dude. That being said, Long Live the Sand Snakes!
All right, I was trying to put this off as long as I can, but this next plotline was extremely upsetting (but still riveting). Paying off last week’s promise that Cersei intended to grab power via the church, this week she dismissed much of her inner circle and then empowered the High Sparrow to recruit an army of warriors to enforce “morality” laws.
Yep, it was a straight-up Taliban situation, and things got ugly fast!
First, Lancel and the rest of his robed frat got new forehead body mods.
Then they invaded the local brothel and began whipping everybody.
Even worse, they busted the nose of the prettiest boy hooker in Westeros! (Leave bae alone, everybody, jeez.)
But things got truly grim when they began outright murdering (or maiming) gay men.
Yeah, this was very tough to watch. Very yikes.
Everything got especially tense when Ser Loras himself was imprisoned. Just a reminder: He is the King’s brother-in-law! So clearly, these “Faith Militant” were already pulling bold moves.
Margaery was not thrilled that her brother had been thrown in prison, so she turned to Tommen and asked that he get results.
But after he confronted his mother about what was going on, Tommen learned the hard way that he was an ineffectual child in such matters. (Although it was shady of Cersei to turn the whole thing into a teachable moment for him by claiming she hadn’t personally imprisoned Loras, and if Tommen wanted to do something about it, he was the King.)
So yeah, then there was a street confrontation in which the Faith Militant stood their ground in defiance of the King. This was a high-powered conflict, in my opinion! An unpleasant and unfortunately historically accurate situation, to be sure, but also one of the most fascinating things to have happened in King’s Landing in a while. Very interested to see where this goes. (“Interested” meaning “terrified of the inevitable thinkpieces.”)
On a slightly lighter and sexier note, Jon Snow realized that with new power came great paperwork. Here, he was trying to write letters to every leader on the continent asking for help guarding the wall.
But then things were interrupted when Melisandre got naked all of the sudden. Jon definitely helped himself to a groping or two, but then his sense of duty overcame him and he declined to “unite their powers,” or whatever Melisandre is calling genitals these days.
The kicker was when she left the room, she quoted Ygritte’s famous line to him and then smirked. How did Melisandre know Ygritte said that same line every ten minutes? Jon Snow was now definitely as flummoxed as he was horny.
There was also a sweet scene in which scale-faced Shireen asked her father how she’d gotten sick in the first place, and Stannis recounted that he had been tricked by a jerk into giving Shireen a contagious doll. But instead of sending her away to some kind of leprosy farm like everyone told him to, he sought out doctors to heal her. Then she hugged him and after a super awkwardly long time, he finally hugged her back.
Aw, Stannis and Shireen are bonding! (But now I’m totally hoping we get to see the “stone men” that the greyscale-inflicted become, and that they look like the Gnome King from Return to Oz.)
Sansa and Littlefinger enjoyed a secret underground scheme-fest next to the statue of her dead aunt, and that’s when we learned more of the logic behind Littlefinger’s trip to Winterfell. They were hoping to get there before Stannis arrived to conquer it, whereupon he’d subsequently “free” Sansa and install her as Wardenness of the North. And if that didn’t work, she’d simply have to seduce her way to power by marrying Ramsay Bolton.
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It was honestly pretty clever, but Sansa seemed a little reluctant to do so much seducing.
But I have a feeling she’ll pull it off, how about you? Littlefinger definitely found her pretty captivating, which maybe explains why he kissed her on the mouth at the end of the convo. Feelings were definitely stirring between these two!
And then this final heartbreaking plotline: We were back in Meereen. Also, sad things happened. After Dany’s conversation with Ser Barristan about singing happy tunes, it became immediately clear he was going to die, right?
Anyway, after one last-ditch effort on the part of the slave owners to bring back sanctioned death-fights, the episode’s second uprising occurred. The masked “Sons of the Harpy” began slaughtering Dany’s Unsullied soldiers in the streets!
Which led to a final gruesome battle in an enclosed alley where both Grey Worm and Ser Barristan fought valiantly, slaughtered tons of people, but eventually got too knifed-up to live anymore.
And yup: Ser Barristan died! But then it appeared that so did Grey Worm! Oh no, not Grey Worm!
Although, considering Grey Worm didn’t have a final scene with Missandei, maybe he is not totally dead yet? Either way, this corpse-strewn alley was a stark and horrifying final image, and the strongest indicator yet that Dany needs to get the F out of Meereen. This is a bad city begging to be dragon-scorched. Please bring the pain, Khaleesi!
“Sons of the Harpy” was a brisk but upsetting hour of television that served as a constant reminder that medieval fantasy times are not as fun as they often seem. But it also moved us ever forward into the season’s central conflicts — class warfare, religious fanaticism — that will fuel the storytelling shockers to come.
If there was ever a question about how good Season 5 has been so far, let this episode answer succinctly: So far, so great.
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO.
