Warning: This recap of Week 2 of Dancing With the Stars contains spoilers.
We have officially stepped into the twilight zone. In this glittery, alternate universe, Maks is out of commission, Mr. T’s a pussycat, and Charo is ready to kick Bruno’s ass.
The highlight of Monday’s Dancing With the Stars was Charo’s ballistic behavior in the ballroom. Forget her Paso doblé. It didn’t matter how good (or bad) it was, the lady in red was seeing red by the end of her dance with partner Keo Motsepe. While it was Carrie Ann Inaba who pointed out that the flamenco guitarist was a step ahead of Keo for the duration of their routine, Charo saved her wrath for Bruno Tonioli.
After criticizing the Italian judge’s accent (“I don’t know what the hell Bruno was talking about!” she bellowed. “Your English sucks!”), Charo seemed ready to cuchi-cuchi kill the judge when he gave her one of three 6s. Charo was so fired up — “I’m gonna get you!” she seethed from the skybox — that Keo had to hold her back from running back into the ballroom to presumably beat Bruno over the head with his wretched paddle.
The other story of the evening involved Chris Kattan. Kattan’s premiere night cha cha earned him a trio of 4s (only Carrie Ann gifted him with a 5), so it’s no surprise he was in jeopardy, but the guy wasn’t Master P bad. For Week 2, Kattan came clean about his backstory that involves his seriously messed-up back. Four surgeries and a pile of X-ray pictures later, it may be impossible for any of his dances to look like anything other than an SNL sketch. But “Hey, Ya!,” at least he tried.
All of the judges agreed the comedian’s jive was a vast improvement over last week’s 17-point fiasco, but it was too late: Kattan was canned. The SNL alum and Witney Carson now join the likes of Geraldo Rivera, Lolo Jones, Penn Gillette, The Hoff, and their partners for the dubious distinction of First Couple Eliminated. Sorry, Team Mango Tango.
While we won’t get to see a Roxbury redo anytime soon (and who knows if we’ll ever see Charo again, if DWTS security takes a stand), there was good news for some of the other Dancing With the Stars couples.
Normani Kordei and Val Chmerkovskiy: 32/40
Normani jetted in from Japan to dance the cha cha with partner Val Chmerkovskiy (and she’s headed to China as we speak), but she was not suffering from jet lag — at least not since the caffeine kicked in. Len Goodman praised the Fifth Harmony singer for dancing a “full routine” (none of that filler crap), while Carrie Ann gave her the ultimate DWTS compliment: “That was truly dancing with a star.”
Rashad Jennings and Emma Slater: 32/40
This dance was “50 Shades of Viennese Waltz,” at least according to Bruno. Julianne Hough praised Rashad for being the man in the dance: “You are leading Emma. I never feel like she’s leading you.” Len had a few grumbles, but he ended his critique with a grin like a Cheshire cat. “I liked it!” he told the NFL star.
Heather Morris and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 30/40
Injury alert! Maks pulled his calf muscle during rehearsals, so troupe member Alan Bersten filled in to dance with Morris at the last minute. And these two didn’t miss a beat. (Maybe they compared notes from their time on So You Think You Can Dance. Yes, both were competitors on the rival TV dance show.) Smooth jive moves aside, Len was in total curmudgeon mode. He called the Glee actress out for her hip-hop slant to the ballroom dance, reminding everyone that she was once a Beyoncé backup dancer, blah, blah, blah. “It was a waste!” he yelled.” Come out and jive!”
Bonner Bolton and Sharna Burgess: 29/40
After last week’s handgate incident, these two are being extra careful about letting their showmance. Or not. Julianne loved the beautiful, simple choreography of Bonner and Sharna’s Viennese Waltz, and echoed America’s collective thoughts when she said she feels like she’s “watching something unfold” right before her eyes.
Simone Biles and Sasha Farber: 29/40
The Olympic gold medalist burned up the dance floor with her cha cha, even including a few gymnastic moves into the routine. But the judges noted Simone and Sasha were a little out of sync, with the Olympian a step ahead of her pro partner throughout the dance. In what was this week’s most backhanded compliment, Carrie Ann said: “What you did was nice. But not together.”
Nancy Kerrigan and Artem Chigvintsev: 28/40
Nancy Kerrigan doesn’t like compliments. After dodging a few from Artem, she stepped out of her comfort zone for their cha cha, but a slight wardrobe malfunction (the pro dancer got caught up in a mic cord) caused the duo to lose a little bit of control. Bruno said he would have liked to have seen a “crispier” finish.
Erika Girardi and Gleb Savchenko: 28/40
Erika Girardi knows how to dance her way out of a ticket. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star executed a solid foxtrot with a cop-clad Gleb (can he wear that outfit every week, please?), and even Len didn’t give her a citation. “It was a Beverly Hills foxtrot,” Len said. “Glitz, glamour, and style.”
David Ross and Lindsay Arnold: 27/40
David Ross tried to bust a move during his cha cha, but, unfortunately, it was a bust. Carrie Ann told the MLB star he was no Fly Guy, but she gave him credit for having “great energy.” The other judges agreed he needs to work on his footwork.
Nick Viall and Peta Murgatroyd: 25/40
The Bachelor star had a little trouble keeping up with Peta’s complicated choreography, but Carrie Ann said he improved over last week. Len described this foxtrot as “far too hectic.” “Madness on the dance floor. There was no control,” the grumpy judge groused before whipping out his 5 paddle.
Mr. T and Kym Herjavec: 22/40
“I pity the fool, and I will destroy any man who tries to take what I got!” Clubber Lang once declared. Mr. T’s Rocky III alter ego probably didn’t count on competing for a mirrorball trophy three decades later. But Mr. T had the “Eye of the Tiger” as he danced a Paso doblé with Kym, and all of the judges said he improved over last week. “I think you’re crushing it,” Julianne told him. Even the low scores (two 5s, two 6s) and lowly leaderboard status didn’t break this guy’s spirit. “They were fair,” Mr. T said of the judges. “I’m not mad.”
Dancing With the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC. Watch clips and full episodes of DWTS for free on Yahoo View.