'Dancing With the Stars' Recap: March Sadness

Forget the Final Four, right? I’ve never understood why anyone would watch a sport dedicated to a non-mirrored ball. No twists during the free throws? No sequins on the costumes? BORING. I’m so glad we all tuned in to March Sadness instead. Welcome, gem hunters, to Most Memorable Year night on Dancing With the Stars.

It’s farewell (not flair-well, or he might still be around) to Michael Sam and his partner Peta Murgatroyd. This was supposed to be the openly gay footballer’s comeback night. He’d prepared all week to illustrate his journey above and beyond his dad’s disapproval in a sad yet sensual rumba, and the sunset background with father/son silhouettes was all ready to go. And with that crazy sentence, it’s probably best to just give him a sweet sendoff.

“Your dancing tonight, my darling, was the best you’ve ever done,” said a teary-eyed Bruno Tonioli. Congrats to Michael Sam for leaving on a high note. Speaking of upper-register wails…

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inahhhh-ber!

Willow Shields and Mark Ballas: 39/40 As a 14-year-old who until 2014 had spent most of life in the drab district of childhood, it makes sense that Willow and Mark opted for another Hunger Games-inspired piece to illustrate in deadly detail the young actress’ strongest memories. Of course, the pair wasn’t alone in the Rectagon Arena. The trusty troupe charged in to wield some weapons and sacrifice their lives in a masterful contemporary study of how much smoke is too much smoke.

Spoiler alert: Willow killed Mark in the end. In all fairness, he was wearing stirrup pants and had it coming.

Nastia Liukin and Derek Hough: 36/40 I wonder if the most memorable year of Derek’s life is this one because he finally had to dance at the tippy top of the show. But this is supposed to be about the Olympian (Ms. Liukin if you’re nastia). Imagine a world-class gymnast holding incredible mid-air poses and surely you can visualize this treat of an Argentine tango. Much like Noah and Sharna’s dance later on, I had to keep reminding myself that no, I wasn’t pausing my DVR — instead, these incredible shapes were actually being sustained by liiiiiiiiive humans in real time. Len stood up (?!) to boldly announce that Nastia’s depiction of the dance lacked character. I can totally see that. Technically, though, as Bruno said, “It was a stunner.”

Bruno has always been after my heart, but he re-sealed the deal by calling Nastia “a gem sculpted by a master.”

Like… the DANCMSTR? (Never forget.)

Rumer Willis and Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 35/40 Now that’s how you tell an online bullying story! This couple’s Fierce Waltz (a new dance genre) reflected Rumer’s powerful realization that you’re not required to hate yourself just because the Internet doesn’t universally love your face. The Internet has no face, so who the hell is it to judge? It is not the master of anything. Conclusion: There’s no use turning around on a table like the spinning beach ball of death. Sometimes you have to crawl outta the web and onto the dance floor, you know? Just Glenn Close the door on all that negativity.

Rumer’s tech support came out in full force Monday night — there’s mama Demi Moore and sisters Talulah, who’s recently out of rehab, and Scout. It’s so important to show up. Bravery all around.

“When I watch you dance, I can’t explain what happens with my body,” Carrie Ann told Rumer. Normally I’d guess a seizure, but Weepy didn’t fall down this time, so we’ll just go with full-force sob.

Robert Herjavec and Kym Johnson: 34/40 Kym has such a knack for making me remember what feelings are with her classy choreography — I think I choked up harder during Robert’s heartfelt tribute to his late mom than I did when Jerry Springer learned the waltz for his daughter. (Do I get a Perfect “Tehhhhn!” for that deep cut or what?) Robert and Kym’s “Last Waltz” offered all that old Hollywood glamour we all know and love — well-paced storytelling, feet that remain on the floor, the Beauty and the Beast chandelier, and a hearty piano assist from a man and his iPad.

Riker Lynch and Allison Holker: 34/40 Riker time-traveled all the way back to 2014, when his band suddenly broke out after seven-plus long years of living together as a family. His black and white and red all over Tango seemed alternatingly sleepy and jerky, like a bad dream of a mixed-message newspaper. That doesn’t even make sense, but maybe that is my point. I’m afraid the set was shouting so loudly that I could barely see Riker’s dance moves. What I caught seemed nervous and, as Julianne said, “staccato.”

Noah Galloway and Sharna Burgess: 32/40 Most Memorable Year night belongs to inspirational heroes like Noah, who lost an arm and a leg after a roadside bomb hit his truck on his 2005 appointment to Iraq. We already knew he was super strong and looks great shirtless, but this package really got to the heart of the American soldier’s re-establishment of self-belief over the past decade. “I had to quit looking at what was missing, and start looking at what I had left,” he recalled before encountering that very same challenge at the beginning of his dance.

MIRRORS. They’re everywhere. Don’t let them deceive! Own it!

Sharna’s contemporary choreography poignantly told the story of Noah’s physical rehabilitation — from basic floor stretches to gravity-defying lifts — without knocking us over the head with it. Of course, it wouldn’t be Memorable Year night if everyone wasn’t crying.

“You want a superhero? There it is,” Bruno declared with a flourish.

Patti Labelle and Artem Chigvintsev: 30/40 Patti’s tender tribute to her son Zuri and rich reflections upon her career were delightful treats in and of themselves. But then she went ahead and upped her own game with lines like “Elton John was my piano back in the day” and “I had sake and I became pregnant, that’s the truth.” WHO ELSE COULD SAY SUCH THINGS? This woman is a marvel! My obsession knows no bounds.

And I haven’t even mentioned Patti’s dance — another hilarious music video in its own right like all of her others so far. At this point I might be disappointed if she shimmies around to any songs other than her own. I mean, if you had the genius urge to record an uptempo track called “Dan Swit Me” in the late ‘70s, it only seems natural that you should perform a 2015 Jazz routine to that very tune under the influence of your own intoxicating charisma and the absolute heaviest of fringe. Classic DWTS rite of passage, right?

I love how it’s always a Patti Party!

Suzanne Somers and Tony Dovolani: 28/40 It’s hard to ignore the absurdity of Suzanne claiming she landed the (singular) starring part on Three’s Company back in the day, but instead let’s focus on the DWTS art department’s brilliance in recreating the show’s set from scratch in just five days. Also, Suzanne and Tony’s banter as Chrissy Snow and Jack Tripper brought to mind some delicious shades of Elizabeth Berkley and Val’s moving tribute to Jessie Spano and Zack Morris. (I wouldn’t name Season 17’s Saved by the Bell homage as the most memorable year of my life or anything, but damn, it was close.)

You thought there were never any brains in the house, but there was Tony, triumphantly sampling some he’d just whipped up in the kitchen. Would the late John Ritter have been proud? Who can say? At least their routine had some solid foxtrot content. Unlike Chrissy Snow, Suzanne needs to remember she has a neck, warned Bruno. And we all need to remember she has masterful thighs.

Chris Soules and Witney Carson: 27/40 ABC’s current favorite engaged man dedicated his rumba to the new love of his life. I sure did pick up on all the rose and diamond imagery these two were throwing down, but I disagreed with Bruno that Chris wears his heart on his sleeve. I wish he did! To be honest, I’ve never felt much of anything for Chris beyond an admiration of his very symmetrical face. (Clearly I’d make a terrible Internet bully.)

Sadly, this week’s dance lacked that special connection that can only sprout when a Bachelor re-commits himself to a new reality TV partner. I loved the terrifically awkward shot of Older New Whitney lurking in the corner as Judge Julianne planted the seed, telling Chris to “give yourself to this Witney for the time being”.

An indecent proposal indeed.

Carrie Ann’s Challenge for the Long Week Ahead: “We can’t enjoy ourselves if you’re not. So go with that. Did you feel that moment? There was a click. Do that.”

On that note: Don’t forget to get your tickets for this summer’s Perfect Ten Tour so you can see Artem’s pecs in person.

A shirt and a vest? The ultimate tease.

Thanks for reading, Sparklebarfers. See you next Tuesday!

XOXO,

Fringe Fairy