'The Bachelorette' Recap: Texas Is for Lovers

Ding-dong! There’s a party-crashing d-bag at the door! This week’s episode of The Bachelorette got right to the point, with Nick arriving at the hotel and receiving a warm welcome from the other guys, including Jared…

…and Ben…

…and Jonathan.

Nick attempts to break the ice with a brief explanation — “I’m not here to cause drama… I actually kind of dig this girl from the little bit I know, and I’d like to get to know her more” — and the guys totally understand and everyone hugs it out. Oh, sorry, what I meant to say is that Tanner interrupts and suggests that instead, Nick is chasing his “16th minute of fame” and he’s really dating The Dorf. When Nick tries to explain that his meeting with Andi was just to “bury the hatchet” (!!!!), Tanner replies with a sneer, “You’re just ready for the next Bachelorette? You’re gonna come back next year if it doesn’t work out with Kaitlyn?”

Emboldened by Tanner’s verbal assault, the other guys start piping up. “You had your season,” harrumphs Joshua. “You called [Kaitlyn] a ‘cool chick.’ Is she a 'cool chick’ or is she an amazing woman to you?”

Yeah, we’re not sure what he’s getting at either, Nick. Anyhow, it goes on and on, the questioning of Nick’s motives, and no matter what he says, the guys keep looking at him with thinly-veiled disgust/suppressed rage.

OK, good talk! Before we FINALLY get to the cocktail party, I think we could all use a little moment of Zen.

Randomly enough, Team Bachelorette sends the guys to Citi Field for their pre-rose ceremony shindig, because nothing says romance like the borough of Queens. Kaitlyn arrives, and to her credit she kicks off the evening with an acknowledgement that having Nick there is “weird” and “stressful” for all involved. True dat. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the other guys could take a lesson from JJ’s example on this date — rather than griping to Kaitlyn about Nick, which most of them do, JJ uses his alone time to take the Bachelorette on a fun-run around the bases.

“I think I needed that,” says Kaitlyn. “You know, just to kind of blow off some steam, have fun, laugh.” Indeed, there isn’t much laughing on the rest of the date, as one dude after the next complains about the new arrival. Tanner tells Kaitlyn that Nick “didn’t really answer” why he was hanging out with Andi recently; Joshua whines that the whole thing “doesn’t sit well with me;” and even Shawn, who can’t bring himself to say Nick’s name, has a guilt trip for the Bachelorette: “Another guy comes in, and it’s like I take two steps back, and my guard starts going back up.”

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 5

Not that I feel bad for Kaitlyn; telling Shawn that bringing a new dude in “is not taking away” from her relationship with him is, in a word, bulls–t. Which is pretty much what Shawn says to her, too.

“I don’t know if what you’re saying and your actions are actually matching up,” says Shawn — a truthbomb so powerful that Kaitlyn’s heart fills with guilt and her eyes fill with tears. “Maybe it was wrong to let Nick into the group,” she says glumly. As my five-year-old might say, No doy!  

Wait a minute, what’s this? A rose ceremony? What a refreshing surprise! It’s been so long I’m not sure how this works… do the guys give Kaitlyn flowers? Does Chris Harrison hand out packages of seeds and the one who gets the empty package has to go home? Awwww, I’m just joshing with ya, Team Bachelorette. As annoyed as I am about the lack of rose ceremonies lately, I will say that this baseball-themed rose pedestal almost makes up for it.

The wind howls ominously as Kaitlyn starts handing out roses. (Cupcake, Jared, and Justin, if you’ll recall, are all safe.) Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua all get called to the mound for a boutoinnere — but who will get the final rose tonight???

Side note: How cute are Kaitlyn and Chris in their matching coats? It’s so adorable to watch West Coasters deal with temperatures below 60 degrees.

After what feels like an interminable pause, Kaitlyn calls Nick’s name, which means Jonathan, Corey, and Ryan the Scarf Master will be boarding the R (for “Reject”) train back to Sadsville. And if that wasn’t enough of a bummer, Kaitlyn announces to the guys that the next stop on their world tour is… San Antonio, Texas? No offense to Texas boy Chris Harrison, but I’m pretty sure Texas is not the Perfect Place to Fall in Love. It might be the Perfect Place to Limit a Woman’s Reproductive Rights and the Perfect Place to Execute Criminals, but fall in love? I’m not so sure. Welp, to each their own. Let’s move on!

Before we do, though, where in the world is the Accent Table of Doom? The poor thing has not delivered a date card all season! Not for nothing, but slipping a card under the door is a lot less dramatic. What’s up, Team Bachelorette? Budget cuts? Did you run out of store credit at Bombay Company? What? Not cool.

Naturally the guys are all nervous that Nick’s name will be on the date card, but even Kaitlyn isn’t that thoughtless: The first one-on-one goes to Ben H. They head off in their classic Ford pickup to Gruene Hall, the “oldest dance hall in Texas,” where a two step world champion named Debbie Figueroa is there to teach them some moves. Quick, quick, slow, slow… kind of like this episode! (Thanks, I’ll be here all week.) Of course Kaitlyn and Ben H. will be putting their rhythm to the test in a real, life two step competition, because as this awesome old broad named Betty Jo puts it:

Fair enough. Dancing and love are all about trust, and communication, and leading, and following, and patience, and, as always with the guys on this show, the white man’s overbite.

Eventually, though, this nice lady from the United Country Western Dance Council puts an end to Kaitlyn and Ben’s honky-tonk dreams.

Given that Ben H. and Kaitlyn’s post-dance dinner date is boring as hell, think it’s time to take a moment to address the hideous shirt situation that’s brewing here on The Bachelorette. First of all, what in the holy hell is this:

It’s like a Henley and a sweatshirt had sex with your college roommate’s baja hoodie and then one of them birthed this monstrosity.

And I’m sorry Tanner, but NO.

Finally, Ben H. Throwing a blazer over your Hanes V-neck does not constitute “dressing up.” Kaitlyn put some effort into it, you should too.

We now return to the dinner date, already in progress. After a little tooth-pulling, Ben H. performed the requisite “opening up” ritual for Kaitlyn, telling her how his last girlfriend either a) cheated, b) left him for someone else, or c) all of the above. (Not 100 percent sure what “I had lost the chase” means.) Date rose, meet Ben’s lapel.

The next day, 10 guys — Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z., Joshua, and Nick — arrive at a Mexican restaurant where this fantastic mini Mariachi singer named Sebastien is waiting for them. He busts out a few bars of “Canta y No Llores,” and then boldly informs the guys that he is now the sole owner of Kaitlyn’s heart.

Now it’s up to the guys to win the Bachelorette back from this tiny heartbreaker by writing a Mariachi song and performing it with passion in front of Kaitlyn and all of downtown San Antonio. Ian, who was thwarted on the Aladdin date (“I choked,” he admits), feels like he’s got this challenge all wrapped up. “Honestly, I’ve got the muscles and the brain and the heart,” he brags. “And I can sing, too!”

We’ll be the judge of that, mister. After getting suited up in their Three Amigos finest, the guys assemble outside the restaurant, to the great amusement of Kaitlyn and the crowd of spectators. All of the guys are gamely, garishly terrible — even Ian, who makes a big show of telling us he’s going to “redeem himself” with some smooth Mariachi vocals, but instead he just squeaks and squawks like the rest of his rivals.

Maybe next time Ian can borrow some of Nick’s chutzpah. Everyone’s least favorite Bachelor refuses to perform on the ground like the rest of the guys; instead he brings Kaitlyn up to a nearby balcony and serenades her while doing what he loves most — looking down on everyone else. And then this happened:

Such a class act, this guy. And she LOVES it. Not loving it? Joshua. The producers have been teasing his impending emotional implosion since last week, when JJ referred to him as a “bomb,” and now they have Nick getting in on the foreshadowing act. “Josh kinda seems pissed,” says Nick giddily. “I think he might snap.” Well if he is, I hope he gets on with it — this episode could use a little excitement.

Before he commences with any sort of meltdown, though, Joshua has a romantic activity planned for his one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. I can’t do justice to the brilliance of their initial exchange without transcribing it exactly, so here goes:

Kaitlyn: What is that?

Joshua: You’re a barber, correct?

Kaitlyn: A barber? I’ve cu… I, like, hair, yeah? [Pause] OK, yeah?

That pause before the “OK, yeah” is everything — you can practically see Kaitlyn doing the mental math: She clearly has no interest in having to spending more time with Joshua by explaining her experience with hairstyling, and she also obviously realized that Joshua just called her a “barber” so he’s probably too dim to understand her explanation so… whatever. Let’s just do this.

Bless his heart, Joshua has set up this whole “barber” situation as a sort of trust exercise, telling Kaitlyn that he’s going to wear a blindfold and she can “do whatever to my head you want.” And she does.

Hard to believe, but drinking and buzz cutters do not mix. Poor Joshua ends up with a half-assed half Mohawk, and the worst thing about it is how little Kaitlyn seems to care about the hate crime she’s just perpetrated on the guy’s hair.

Valiant effort, Josh, but if you want to get Kaitlyn’s attention, try speaking in her native tongue:

Why Kaitlyn doesn’t smash faces with Nick in front of the guys, they all know what’s going on outside the barn — and none of them, especially Joshua, are very happy about it. “The haircut is just pulling the pin out of the grenade for Josh,” explains JJ helpfully. “Sooner than later, he’s just gonna explode.” Welp, cue the 24 beep, because now that Nick’s back from his game of tonsil hockey with Kaitlyn, Joshua can’t hold things in any longer. “I’m just havin’ a hell of a hard time trusting you,” he announces to Nick, as the rest of the guys try to avoid eye contact with both of them. “Male intuition and gut feelings tell me something is off.” What follows is a painfully convoluted exchange where Nick tries to explain that he’s glad Other Josh was on Andi’s season — because if Other Josh hadn’t been there, Andi might have let Nick propose instead… and clearly they weren’t meant to be together. “I don’t want to be with a girl who thinks there might be a better fit out there,” says Nick. Joshua pretends he understands, but his face says it all.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, then, when Joshua makes what’s known in Bachelor/Bachelorette parlance as the Whistleblower Blunder — that is, he tells Kaitlyn exactly what’s wrong with Nick, which is exactly what she doesn’t want to hear. “He likes to talk about his last season all the time,” tattles Joshua, as Kaitlyn looks on stone-faced. “Nobody’s comfortable with him in the house. Nobody likes him.” All he succeeds in doing, though, is make Kaitlyn mad at the other guys in the house — because none of them chose to be (in Joshua’s words) “that weasel that throws somebody under the bus.”

Perhaps because he feels like the aforementioned “weasel,” when Joshua returns to the barn he tells all of the other guys that he was in an interview with producers — the poor oaf has no idea everyone knows he was with Kaitlyn. As my old pal Wendy Worthington would say:

Kaitlyn’s all fired up, so naturally she goes to confront the guys for not being “honest” with her about how they’re feeling — and naturally they pretend they have no idea what she’s talking about. Even, bless his dimwitted little heart, Joshua.

Kaitlyn: Joshua, in your opinion is everyone being honest with me?

Joshua: I’d like to think so.

Kaitlyn: What? You literally just told me that nobody’s being honest with me.

Oof. And it only gets worse from there.

By the time Jared outs Joshua for lying about being in an “interview” with producer, it’s clear that the soft-headed hearted welder is done for. But just in case Joshua’s not sure where he stands, Kaitlyn makes it clear by giving Nick the date rose. Um, does Uber service the Boerne, Texas region? I think Joshua might want to catch a ride to the airport now and save us all the trouble.

Oh for Lord’s sake we still have one more date to go — and only about 20 minutes left in the episode. I don’t like our rose ceremony odds, people. Anyhow, Shawn B., you’re up! Oh look, Team Bachelorette got them two tickets to the gun show:

Once back on dry ground, Shawn informs Kaitlyn that Joshua was, in fact, “coming from a good place” and that other guys were “scared to speak up” about disliking Nick. Oddly enough, Kaitlyn doesn’t get mad at Shawn for failing to speak up the night before, nor does she appear to feel guilty about making Joshua feel like a crazy liar. Then again, she’s probably not feeling much of anything besides an overwhelming desire to do more of this:

Later that night, Shawn recounts being in a harrowing car accident five or six years ago (“I, like, got airborne, and then, like, landed on the roof and like flipped six times”), one that left him with a renewed appreciation for life. It’s an emotional moment that ends with Kaitlyn kissing away Shawn’s man-tears, which leads him to make the season’s first “I’m falling in love with you” proclamation. And Kaitlyn could not be happier.

Good God, it’s anarchy! As that jerky dude from Grease says, “The rules are there ain’t no rules!” Cue the fireworks.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Ian is having perhaps the douchiest crisis of confidence of all-time. “I don’t understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple of times,” he sniffs. “I don’t think Kaitlyn understands the full extent of who I am, and who I am is a catch.” For some reason, Ian decides to confide in Nick — not just about Kaitlyn, but about his future plans.

Unfortunately for Ian, his idea of campaigning to be the first black Bachelor involves dissing the producers’ choice of Bachelorette (“She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend”) and comparing his situation to a historical event in which hundreds of people died: “The Alamo is a place where Texans made a last stand for independence, and San Antonio is a place that’s going to be my last stand in this journey.”

Fantastic, let’s get on with it. I mean, after we watch some of the “lames” (Ian’s words) make out with Kaitlyn.

Good for you, Jared.

Atta boy, Joe.

Nice work, Cupcake.

At long last, Ian makes his move. He sits Kaitlyn down and launches into a rehearsed screen about how the other guys are just “surface-level” boneheads who like poop humor, and that the Bachelorette herself is just a party girl who “wanted to get her field plowed” by Farmer Chris. “I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV,” Ian adds. Kaitlyn’s all:

“I wonder if you are really that shallow,” Ian continues. “I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

Oh, would you look at the time? Looks like we won’t get to see either Kaitlyn’s full confrontation with Ian or a rose ceremony. Well, this was definitely a good use of two hours, wasn’t it, rose lovers? At least next week, according to the promos, we’ll finally get to watch the whole Sex-Gate Scandal unfold. Still, I’m a little sick of this show leaving us hanging every week. Don’t they know we’re gonna watch whether there’s a cliffhanger or not? I wish I could quit you, Bachelorette… actually, no I don’t. Post your thoughts on this week’s aborted action below, and be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go rustle up some queso.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.