'The Bachelorette' Recap: Showdown on the Emerald Isle

Well, that was a bit of a foregone conclusion — wasn’t it, rose lovers? After eight weeks of kissing, fighting, crying, and more kissing, we’re down to the final two, and the matchup is perfection: Good vs. Evil. Muscles vs. Sweaters. Rage vs. Smarm. Excessive Hair Product vs. Tight Jeans Always Tucked Into Boots for Some Unknown Reason. Yes, at long last, it’s the showdown we’ve been waiting for: Shawn vs. Nick.

I feel like now is a good time to tell you that I’m writing this after four straight days of Comic-Con madness, so apologies in advance if some (or all) of this is not technically in English.

So how did we get here? Let’s rewind to the beginning of the episode, where we join Nick and Shawn’s confrontation already in progress.

When Nick throws the alleged “Eskimo brothers” incident in Shawn’s face, the personal trainer calls him “inconsiderate,” denies “bragging about anything,” and storms off. Boys, boys — don’t you see it’s these kinds of petty disagreements that are making Kaitlyn wish she hadn’t brought you this far along? “It’s actually taking away what I feel for both of them,” she sighs as she heads to her overnight date with no-drama Ben in Galway. “Ben’s just Ben — it’s easy and it’s nice,” says Kaitlyn, who pretty clearly is not going to settle down with a guy who answers to the description of “easy” or “nice.” But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Kaitlyn and Ben ride horses, get chased by some mutton-chopped donkeys, and then smooch in a field that probably smells strongly of manure. Though Kaitlyn announces, “This could be the beginning of forever,” she’s not fooling anyone. She and Ben have a cute chat about their age difference — she’s almost 30, he just turned 26 — and because she’s a normal, red-blooded woman about to hit her sexual peak, Kaitlyn invites Ben to the Fantasy Suite. And because Ben is an almost ridiculously sweet guy, his response is nice to the point of asexuality: “Best sleepover ever!” Oh my GOD. (That said, Kaitlyn does admit she and Ben only got 30 minutes of sleep… so maybe he’s not actually a 13-year-old girl?)

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 9

At last, it’s time for Shawn’s overnight date. Kaitlyn starts things off by ordering him to put on a brightly-colored golf ensemble from the Malibu Ken collection, and then they hit the links. After beating Shawn handily, Kaitlyn demands that he streak across the course. Shawn’s game, but he’s gonna need a minute to take off his man-Spanx.

And now for the obligatory after shot.

Enough Tom Foolery, Kaitlyn! You need to get to the bottom of #EskimoGate, pronto! “What is it about [Nick] that you don’t like?” she asks Shawn, who promptly informs the Bachelorette about his confrontation with Nick. “He got super defensive and tried making some ridiculous allegations,” says Shawn, as a preemptive strike against the charges he knows are coming. Once Kaitlyn confirms that Nick made the “Eskimo Brothers” claim, it’s all he can do not to ‘roid out.

Easy, buddy — don’t tire yourself out before the Fantasy Suite! Whatever happened there must have been pretty uneventful, though, because Team Bachelorette cuts right to Shawn’s morning-after walk back to his room. You’ll never guess who’s waiting for him outside! Yeppers, it’s Nick — and he wants a chance to “respond to some of the accusations” Shawn made during their last chat. Good luck with that pal.

And yes, Nick, Shawn is threatening you.

In case there was any doubt in your mind who Kaitlyn was going to eliminate at the rose ceremony, she all but confirms our suspicions when she tells Chris Harrison that Ben has “everything on the checklist.” So let’s skip ahead, shall we?

Of course, Ben takes it like a champ — a polite, gracious champ. Good luck, sir. Please don’t join Bachelor in Paradise, OK? You’re better than that. As for you, Shawn and Nick — drink up. Team Bachelorette is gonna make you wait as long as humanly possible before they let you leave the room.

And we’re back in the States! The hometown dates, once a two-hour extravaganza, have been relegated to a mere 45 minutes or so. Nor are there any hometowns to be found; both dates are going to take place in Utah… neutral territory, I guess. Nick’s family is up first, and boy are they excited.

“When Nick called and told me he was going back on The Bachelorette, I was like, 'Oh, no,’” admits his sister Maria. “Just 'cause watching him go through it last time, it was hard to see him brokenhearted.” Oh no! Nick’s mom Mary and his awesome sister Bella (the one who grilled Andi so brilliantly last time) are already crying! Damn you, Bushyhair McJackass, for making your family suffer through this again!

Not surprisingly, a pall hangs over the room as Nick’s family gamely tries to make small talk with Kaitlyn and smiles through the couple’s impromptu dance demonstration. Maria gives the Bachelorette a tentative stamp of approval (“Kaitlyn seems very real and very vulnerable and authentic:”); Bella says she could imagine Kaitlyn being her sister-in-law (that girl is nothing if not polite); and even Mary admits that her son’s relationship with Kaitlyn seems “very different” from the one he had with Andi. “I’m thinking, 'I just can’t imagine Kaitlyn bringing him all this way just to break his heart,’” mom tells the Bachelorette.

But Mary also knows it’s not a lock for her son. “I feel like the next time I see you, you’re either going to be on cloud nine, or you're…” She trails off, her eyes filling with tears. Oh dear. Can someone please get Mary some tissues? I’m worried she’s going to have a rough road ahead.

Once they’re alone, Nick professes his love for Kaitlyn again. “Promise?” she asks via subtitle. “With all my heart,” he responds. Good Lord, is she honestly considering marrying this guy? I’ll think about that tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.

OK Shawn — groom that stubble and find a shirt with a collar, because you’re up! “Today could be the first time that I tell my wife that I love her,” announces the personal trainer, who admits he’s been holding back because he doesn’t yet have his family’s approval. “They’ll like you,” he assures Kaitlyn. “But if they didn’t, see ya later, toots.” And no, he’s not really kidding.

Shawn’s mother is conspicuously absent, and his father Steve looks like he’s going to be tough to win over. “It’s been — what? — six, eight weeks?” he wonders aloud. Getting engaged, he adds, would be “an interesting way to go.” That’s one word for it, sir. What’s most important to Shawn, though, is whether his sisters Megan and Jessie approve of Kaitlyn. “Whatever they say is kind of what goes,” he admits. So, Jessie, what say you? Kaitlyn “seemed very spunky, very down to earth, just the kind of girl that I think Shawn would be attracted to.” Hmmm… sounds promising. Megan, what about you? “I love her personality,” she tells Shawn. “I think it’s crazy that the next time we see you, you could be engaged.”

Not so fast, sis. Dad still needs some answers.

In all fairness, though, Steve is very sweet, and very supportive of his son. “I’m 100 percent behind you, you know that,” he tells Shawn. “You’ve gotta go with your heart.”

Welp, Shawn, you know what that means: Time to drop the L-bomb! After some awkward preamble, he spits it out, all sheepish and shy. And she LOVES it.

Yes, it seems our poor Bachelorette is in love with both Shawn and Nick, and she just doesn’t know how she’s ever going to send one of them packing. There, there, sugar plum — the finale’s not for two more weeks. You’ll figure it out. And with that, we wrap another week, rose lovers. Are you happy with the final two? Did Shawn’s confrontation(s) with Nick change how you feel about either of the guys? And should Ben be the next Bachelor? Post your thoughts below, and don’t forget to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog when you’re done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go start a fan club for Bella.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.