'The Bachelorette' Recap: Eskimo, No!

Happy belated Independence Day, rose lovers! Will today be the day Kaitlyn finally declares independence from her guilt about keeping the Nick Secret from the other guys? Let’s find out!

We open in Killarney, where Kaitlyn still feels sad aboooot kicking Cupcake to the curb the day before. The guys aren’t doing much better — especially Nick, Shawn, and Ben H. (I guess he can just be “Ben” now?), as Team Bachelorette has them crammed together on the World’s Smallest Couch.

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Ben is ultimately freed from the hotel’s close quarters when he’s granted the first one-on-one date of the week. They row across the bay to Innisfallen Island, home of frolicking deer, castle ruins, and the ever-present picnic basket. “You seem like husband material to me,” Kaitlyn tells Ben as they sip their wine. “Do you think I’m wife material?” PSSST BEN DON’T ANSWER THAT IT’S A TRAP! I’M A WOMAN, I KNOW THESE THINGS! Actually, maybe I shouldn’t have worried; Ben handles himself okay.

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As for Kaitlyn, her idea of “husband material” is someone who won’t “give up” on her when she’s “hard to deal with.” Wow, try to aim a little higher, honey — you deserve it. Later over Irish coffee, Ben admits that deep down, he fears he’s “unlovable,” thanks to a bad breakup in the past. The Bachelorette reassures Ben that he is, in fact, lovable — and she proves it by announcing, “I am falling in love with you.” (Oh Kaitlyn, I bet you say that to all the boys.)

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 8

But when Ben says he can’t wait to just “talk all night” in the Fantasy Suite, it really throws the Bachelorette for a loop. “Is this guy a virgin?” she wonders. And to her credit, Kaitlyn just comes right out and asks Ben point blank: V-card, yes or no?

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No, no he is not. Let’s move on. It’s time for the group date in Killarney National Park with Joe, Shawn and Nick. While there’s no doubt some type of activity planned, the date kicks off with awkward three-on-one drinks in the middle of a lush lawn. Shawn, why don’t you steal Kaitlyn away for a few minutes to “get this party started”? Thanks.

The two sit and smooch on the lawn and talk about “getting back on track.” Not so fast you crazy kids! Just as Kaitlyn is debating whether to seize the moment and tell Shawn about Nick, up walks Smuggy McTightpants himself.  "Sorry guys — mind if I interrupt?“ I think I speak for all of Bachelor Nation when I say, YES, WE DO!

Of course, Kaitlyn has no problem talking to Nick about the night that she slept with Nick. "How do you feel about that?” she mutters, trying to make her words as indecipherable to Team Bachelorette’s microphones as possible. “I feel good about it?” replies Nick, in a classic sorority-girl upspeak. “You know I’m falling in love with you,” he murmurs, talking into the palm of his hand. For God’s sake, are we watching a mumblecore movie or The Bachelorette? Open your damn mouths, people!

Meanwhile, back on the benches, Joe good-naturedly ribs Shawn for having Kaitlyn’s lip-gloss on his upper lip.

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The country boy is feeling insecure — he’s the only guy left standing who hasn’t had a one-on-one date. Perhaps it’s because he’s just too darn polite? Kaitlyn has to come fetch him for some one-on-one time, for Pete’s sake. Once they’re alone, Kaitlyn asks Joe if he’s “ready” to be engaged, and he responds with a sloppy, face-licking kiss. “I could totally kiss you and only you for the next 60 years,” he adds. “Because I’m in love with you, babe.” Ooof. It’s pretty clear Kaitlyn isn’t feeling the same way.

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Indeed, she tells Team Bachelorette that Joe’s declaration is “really flattering,” and I think we all know what that means.

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“It’s cool. It’s been fun,” says Joe curtly, staring straight ahead. “No worries, man.” After a reluctant hug, Joe is at a loss. “So what do I do now?” he asks Kaitlyn with a mirthless laugh. “What should I do? You tell me.” Actually, don’t tell him, Kaitlyn, because Joe’s decided he’s “not saying s— to you” anymore. Eventually he stalks off, muttering (to himself, to Kaitlyn, to an ever-present producer), “I’m done with you — don’t talk to me.” Bye Joe! We’ll miss you and your gravity-defying hair.

Kaitlyn’s in such a sour mood after that painful goodbye that she just “doesn’t feel right” about handing out the date rose — but she does feel okay about sending Nick back to the hotel so she and Shawn can have some more time together. As you can see, he does NOT love it.

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Shawn, meanwhile, is giddy now that he has a temporary advantage over “the other guy.”

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Little does he know that he’s about to get some very, very gross news. Over drinks at Gaby’s Seafood Restaurant, a very nervous Kaitlyn finally — FINALLY! — gets to the point. “You know I had that, like, one-on-one date with Nick? That night, we went back to my place, and… I just feel like it went too far. And, it’s hard for me to admit it, but we had sex.” There! Now that wasn’t so hard, was it? (That’s what she said, heh heh.)

Anyhow, Shawn does his very best to hold it together. After 42 seconds of tense silence, he finally chokes out a response: “Do… do you regret it?” Short answer: Not really. So Shawn heads to the bathroom to “regroup,” but oddly enough spending quiet time in a restaurant lavatory does not relax him. “I’m so tense right now I can’t even piss,” he grumbles from behind the closed door.

After some time, though, Shawn returns, composed and remarkably gracious. “Thank you for telling me that, I appreciate it,” he says. “Am I upset about it? Yeah, obviously… At the end of the day, I’m here for you, and you’re the only thing I want out of this. So I’m just gonna man up and deal with it… What am I going to do — storm out of here? No, because I want you.” Hell yeah Shawn Booth! While I can’t 100 percent get behind the use of the phrase “man up” because it implies that getting emotional about something isn’t “manly,” I’ve still gotta say, way to man the f— up!!!

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Thanks for that mature response, Shawn. Now will you please go back to the hotel and beat the holy hell out of Nick for me? No? Fair enough. Instead Shawn just listens quietly as Nick filibusters about how he feels “okay” about the rose ceremony — and gets a dig in at Shawn for thinking a rose is “a foregone conclusion” for him.

Actually, though, after learning that he’d have to be Nick’s sloppy seconds, Shawn is feeling conflicted about whether he even wants a rose. “The more I think about it, the more questions I have for Kaitlyn tonight,” he says, warning us that he may end up “walking away” from love. Hmmmm…. so Shawn says he has a lot of questions and really needs to talk to Kaitlyn at the cocktail party, and then suddenly Harrison announces that there isn’t going to be a cocktail party since Kaitlyn’s mind is made up. Coincidence, or Team Bachelorette interference? You be the judge. Either way, it’s time to get in the wagon, boys!

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Kaitlyn is so nervous delivering her pre-rose ceremony speech, it’s almost hard to watch.  "I do believe that I’ve made the right decisions,“ she says, her voice quavering. "But that does not mean that it hasn’t been extremely painful to get here.” And the first rose goes to… Shawn. Or does it?

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Shawn wasn’t kidding when he said he had questions for Kaitlyn, and he’s actually not going to accept the rose until he gets some answers. Unfortunately his main question comes across more like an accusation: “I just don’t know why you’d do something like that to jeopardize us.” If he wants an apology he’s not going to get it — while Kaitlyn assures him that there will be no “exploring” of “other relationships” once she’s got a ring on her finger, she also reiterates the obvious: “Telling you that you were the one halfway through was a mistake.”

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For a hot second Team Bachelorette tries to make us think that Shawn and Kaitlyn are going to end things right there (“You need to trust me,” she says, “and I just don’t think you do”), but of course he comes back to the rose ceremony, accepts his flower, and the proceedings continue. And the final two roses go to… Ben and the Other Guy Nick. Awwww, Jared, I’m sorry. Take a moment, and say your goodbyes — and then for the love of all that’s holy please shave. Or, more accurately, shave better.

Unlike Joe, Jared handles his ouster like a gentleman. “You’re a wonderful person and I’m really glad I met you,” he tells the Bachelorette. “Make sure you find the man of your dreams, because you deserve it.” He even comforts Kaitlyn when she starts bawling about their goodbye — and suppresses his own choked sobs until he’s inside the Reject SUV. Godspeed, Patchy Face. There’s a woman (and a razor, seriously) out there for you somewhere.

And we’re off to the “exotic” overnight dates. Hey Shawn, you forgot to pack your protein powder!

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Nick is up first, and he’s dressed in his typical strollin’-around-the-city garb: Sweater, tight pants tucked into boots, bushy hair. He and Kaitlyn wander into a beautiful cathedral, where Nick starts getting nostalgic for his Catholic upbringing and his parents, who were introduced in church. Awww, okay, even I can admit that’s kind of sweet. But over lunch, Nick’s confessional talk veers straight into TMI territory.

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After imbibing their share of whiskey, Nick feels jolly enough to make a toast to the whole pub: “To having the craic, to happiness, and most of all, to love.” Huzzah! Is this date over yet? Nope — first it’s time for dinner at an old granite jail. Because, you know, marriage. Plus, the prison setting is fitting because Nick is about to slide a verbal shank between Shawn’s ribs: “I don’t really respect people who project insecurities, and don’t give people a chance, and people who brag about being ’Eskimo brothers’ with famous country singers because they both f***ed the same girl the same night, but they were first.”

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Of course, Nick says he’s talking about Shawn, and just as this starts to sink in for Kaitlyn, a cloudburst dumps a massive amount of symbolism on the church. And Nick’s on a roll now — not only does he badmouth Shawn, he “casually” notes how the other guys (meaning, at this point, Ben) are “okay with second” place. To Kaitlyn’s credit, though, she recognizes that Nick and Shawn are just locked in a jealousy shame spiral and what they’re saying about each other really “doesn’t matter.” Great. Is this date over yet?

Nope.

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Kudos to the Bachelor Interns for setting up the faux Fantasy Suite, by the way.

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Alas, even though Nick gamely agreed to “do this wherever,” the dank, damp jail cell Fantasy Suite was just a joke on Kaitlyn’s part. The real action’s goes down at the Fota Island resort, which — although a bit more cramped than your average Fantasy Suite — is still quite nice.

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The great thing about everyone knowing that Nick and Kaitlyn already had sex is that Team Bachelorette doesn’t have to pretend that Nick and Kaitlyn didn’t have sex in the Fantasy Suite — and that means we get our first-ever morning-after scene with the happy couple.

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And if that isn’t shocking enough, Nick is barely back in his own room for a few minutes before — knock knock knock! — his future Eskimo Brother, Shawn, is at the door. Break out the Festivus pole, because it’s time for the Airing of Grievances! “I don’t understand your reasons for being here for Kaitlyn. I truly don’t think that’s the only reason why you’re here,” says Shawn, as Nick looks on stone-faced. “And if [Kaitlyn] had seen the side of you that we’ve all see, you probably wouldn’t be here right now, and there’d be a better guy sitting in your chair right now.”

I mean, okay? Shawn, we get that you don’t like Nick, but what purpose does this showdown serve other than to give Team Bachelorette some sexy fight footage? Though to be fair it’s not much of a fight, as Shawn won’t really let Nick get a word in edgewise — he’s too busy calling him “cocky” and “arrogant” and accusing him of trying to “change his reputation” from the previous season. Oh look, it’s 9:56!

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And after a brief check-in with nobody’s favorite couple Britt and Brady (he’s going back to Nashville, so #RIP Britt & Brady), it’s a wrap for the week. To be honest, I don’t think Shawn is doing himself any favors with his hot-headed behavior. As much as I want Nick to get the boot next week, a Nick-Shawn showdown would be pretty sweet — especially since we have good reason to believe we know the outcome already. What do you think, rose lovers? Post your thoughts about Shawn’s insecurities, Nick’s “eskimo brothers” gossip, Jared’s ouster, and all the drama in the comments. And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have the craic.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.