'The Bachelorette' Recap: Eyes Will Roll

“What is going on?” The first words out of Kaitlyn’s mouth this week echo the question on many of our minds, right rose lovers? If the Bachelorette told Shawn he’s “the one” off-camera, why did she hop into bed with Smarmy McBrillohead (aka Nick)? And if Shawn isn’t “it,” why would Kaitlyn even say such a thing to him? Most importantly, though, why am I spending so much time thinking about these two people? Occupational hazard, I suppose. Anyhow, let’s get to it.

The short answer is: No. Shawn is not beating around the bush: “Are you in love with me? Yes or no.” Kaitlyn’s all, “You know I can’t answer that!” and gives him the only Team Bachelorette-approved response she can: “I’m falling in love with you."™

Yeah that’s not enough for Shawn. Things are "getting real serious” for him and he wants “every minute” he can get with Kaitlyn. “I’m having a very hard time with this, a very hard time,” he murmurs. “I don’t know if I can do this.” So… what? Kaitlyn’s supposed to end the show now and the two of them can walk off into the sunset? Not only would that put the Bachelorette in a major breach-of-contract situation, doesn’t Shawn realize the damage he’d be doing to us, the viewers? For God’s sake, man, stop being so selfish! There are millions of people invested in watching this s–tshow. Not everything’s about your needs, pal.

Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette’ Episode 7

“You just have to decide if you can do it,” Kaitlyn tells Shawn. They stare at each other for a while, and then make out. Of course, the Bachelorette thinks that Shawn’s freak-out is a result of him finding out that she slept with Nick — little does she know that he’s this insecure even without that particular bit of info. I think we’re all hoping that he will, in fact, find out the truth this week — but given that this season may as well be called The Bachelorette: Delayed Gratification Edition, we probably shouldn’t hold our collective breath.

Eventually Shawn goes back to his room, and the next morning we see him brooding outside while Nick and Tanner, strolling nearby, talk smack about him. “He’s also the only guy who hasn’t taken a f–king moment to try and get to know me,” gripes Nick. “He’s falling apart… He thought this was over after day 2.”

Perhaps, but it’s not like he’s got a lot of stellar competition. Case in point: It’s time for the two-on-one date with JJ and Joe! Kaitlyn says JJ is “attractive,” “funny,” and “edgy,” while Joe is “hilarious,” “sweet,” and a “real treat.” The stage is set, folks!

I hope Kaitlyn brought some extra Dramamine, because that boat Team Bachelorette has commissioned does looks less comfortable than the Orca.

They’re off to Ireland’s Eye, where Kaitlyn hopes Joe will “speak from his heart” and “let that guard down.” That’s something JJ has no trouble doing; he launches into his whole “I’m really falling for you” speech right in front of Joe, which is extremely uncomfortable for everyone.

Joe, on the other hand, waits until he’s alone with Kaitlyn to “put it all on the table” (his words). “I’ve never felt this way about someone else this fast,” he says. “I can’t get enough of you, Kaitlyn, because I’m falling in love with you.” So what if he’s spouting the exact, paint-by-numbers script that dozens of fifth-or-sixth-runners-up before him have spouted — Kaitlyn LOVES it. “He kinda blew me away,” she raves. OK, JJ, you and your terrible teeth are up! Think you can top the country boy? Let’s listen in:

I guess props to JJ for owning up to his past douchebaggery? He has to know what’s coming next, though. While Kaitlyn says she appreciates his honesty, she also admits that being cheated on is her “worst fear” (irony!).  Which leads us to…

Yes, JJ is left alone on Ireland’s Eye, while Kaitlyn and Joe sail off into the sunset, literally. That doesn’t mean the good ol’ boy is safe, though — Kaitlyn doesn’t feel that she’s spent enough time with Joe to make a proper decision. But later that night, after she and Joe spend some quality time making out in front of a plate of untouched hors d'oeuvres, he comes home with the rose. “I’m fallin’ in love with the girl,” Joe announces to the boys. Cue the Shawn meltdown in three… two… one…

And before we know it, he’s heading back to Kaitlyn’s room. “Last night… I didn’t tell her exactly what was bothering me,” he explains. “So tonight I’m putting all my cards out on the table.” The Bachelorette is exhausted and clearly wants to crawl into bed after her final interview of the day. But that’s not in the cards.

Doesn’t she look thrilled?

Really, though, Kaitlyn is more worried than annoyed — specifically, that Shawn is coming to confront her about that sexytimes business with Nick. “I feel awful right now,” she whispers, before collapsing in sobs.

Knock knock knock! There’s a needy personal trainer at the door!

Kaitlyn greets him with a pointed, “You just figured you’d come back when I had the most emotional day ever and have been crying my eyes out?” Snap. Cheer up, honey — Shawn’s not here to slut-shame you.

Yep, his big admission was about their off-camera chat in San Antonio. “Like, when you look me in the eyes and you say, ‘I think you’re the one,’ it’s tough.” Phew! Rather than feeling relief, though, Kaitlyn only seems more agitated after hearing Shawn out.

She’s got a point. This whole “journey” is hard on the other guys too, and yet they’re managing to remain “positive” and “focused” on her. So Kaitlyn lays down the law: “If this is going to be me and you,” she tells Shawn, “everything else needs to happen. There’s just no other way around it.” Finally, it sinks in, and Shawn promises to “work on” his trust issues. Good thing he doesn’t hear what Kaitlyn says next, as she essentially backtracks on the whole “you’re the one” thing. It seems she snuck down to see the guys one night, and ended up hanging out for a while with Ben H. and Shawn. At some point, she and Shawn retired to his room, and since he was looking for reassurance, Kaitlyn told him what he needed to hear: “In that moment and in that time, like, that’s who I could picture myself with. So I said something like, 'Yeah, you’re it.’ That’s definitely a regret that I have.”

And the Bachelorette is still dragging a heavy heart when she arrives at the cocktail party.

Way to set the mood, toots. After Kaitlyn heads off with Ben Z. for some one-on-one time, the guys sit around and puzzle over her depressing speech — especially the part where she admits to making “mistakes.” Hmmm, they wonder, what could she possibly be talking about?

Of course, poor Shawn rightfully assumes that he’s the “mistake” Kaitlyn is talking about, which sends him further into a shame spiral. And as it turns out, he’s not the only one: during his one-on-one time, Ben H. confesses that he’s been stewing about that night in San Antonio for a long time. The next morning, Ben explains, something seemed “different” with Shawn — he was “happier.” Ben goes on to say he doesn’t know exactly what went on between Kaitlyn and Shawn that night, but he’s got an idea: “I know that something was said that night that gave him some type of validation.” Bottom line, Ben H. wants Kaitlyn to 'fess up — does he have a chance, or is he just spinnin’ his wheels?

Team Bachelorette must have edited out the part where she answered his question, though, because all we hear her say is how “disappointed” she is in herself for putting Ben and Shawn in an awkward position. “Thank you for not jumping to any conclusions,” she adds… and then they make out. “I just don’t want to hurt anyone else,” Kaitlyn says. “It’s really important that I make things right with all the guys.” (Please God, say this means she’s going to confess!)

First thing’s first, though. Kaitlyn’s got a message for Nick:

Nick’s all, Who, me? The guys were hounding him — “What’d you do? What’d you do?” — so, “I told them what we did,” he says. “I didn’t say it was 'romantic,’ I didn’t say it was 'passionate,’ I didn’t say it was 'intimate'…” Time out! Let’s go to the videotape from last week. What, exactly, did Nick tell the guys? And I quote: “I got a rose. It was kind of a romantic setting. She said, 'Hey, do you just want to go back to my suite?’ Great… Yeah, it was intimate.” In other words…

Perhaps knowing how truly close to being busted he is, Nick decides to turn on the eye faucet. “I feel like such a wuss,” he sniffles, wiping his eyes. “We want the same thing.” Then he plants one on her for good measure.

So for now, Nick lives. On to Kaitlyn’s next to-do-list item: relieving Shawn of his sense of entitlement.

“I just feel like I’ve been unfair to, like, you and everyone else and myself by things that I’ve done,” Kaitlyn explains. “And I think I’ve caused unnecessary tension.” As a result, the Bachelorette wants to “take a step back” from her relationship with Shawn and give the other guys the attention they deserve. Given everything, Shawn handles this news remarkably well.

Good job keeping it together, buddy! At last, it’s time for the rose ceremony. “Sometimes I make impulse decisions,” Kaitlyn tells Harrison in their pre-game chat. “I definitely learned a lesson this week.” So who will be the victim of that lesson — Tanner, Cupcake, one of the Bens, or Shawn?

Man, watching Ben Z. get the boot was way harder than I thought. I never really sensed much chemistry between them, but he sure does seem like a nice guy. And if you didn’t get a little misty when Ben referred to Kaitlyn as “a girl that my mom would be proud to meet” — well, then you’re probably not overly invested in a TV show like I am. Anyhow, Ben for the next Bachelor? Discuss. (Oh, and Tanner got sent home, too.)

The next morning, the boys board the Paddywagon for a trip to Killarney. (And yes, Shawn, the bus does say “Dingle Penninsula,” ha ha ha. Are you 12?)

It’s the week before hometowns, so everyone’s on edge. Jared gets some luck o’ the Irish, though, when Kaitlyn selects him to drive with her to their destination. Then again, with the way Kaitlyn is driving, perhaps the other guys are the lucky ones.

The Bachelorette endangers Jared’s life once again during a stop at Blarney Castle, where she enlists him to kiss the famous Blarney Stone, which involves dangling over the edge of the castle wall, protected only by some rather flimsy-looking bars.

Once they’ve successfully smooched the stone, Jared and Kaitlyn smooch each other… just to ensure maximum germ dissemination, I guess. Meanwhile, is it me, or is Jared’s weird stubble-mange getting worse?

When it’s finally time for Jared to go join the guys at their hotel, Kaitlyn relaxes on her bed and reflects about how she feels “happy” that things are “back on track.” Then she says the worst thing she can possibly say: “I just feel like nothing can go wrong.”

Knock knock knock! There’s a host/romance novelist at the door! And he’s armed with some tough questions: “Be honest with me: Do you think you’re ready to go visit four families?” That just opens the floodgates for Kaitlyn, who starts word-vomiting all of her regrets at Harrison’s feet — from the premature conversation with Shawn in San Antonio to her hotel tryst with Nick in Dublin.

But Harrison’s not really here to make Kaitlyn feel better about her decisions — he’s got some news. Since nobody wants to watch four hometown dates with these bozos, what the Bachelorette really needs is more “off-camera time” with the guys before making the all-important decision about meeting their families, the next step on this “journey” will be in the direction of the Fantasy Suite. “So this week you’ll narrow it down to three guys, and then you’ll have the intimate overnight dates next week,” says Harrison. “And then, the final two men, you’ll meet the families.”

That’s the good news. The bad news, Kaitlyn, is you’ve gotta send three guys home this week. So let the winnowing process begin! Cupcake gets the first one-on-one date, and it starts with a helicopter ride over the insanely gorgeous Cliffs of Moher. During their cliff-top picnic, Chris gives a rather bland sales pitch for what their lives would be like if they wound up together: “We’d be very close, and I think it’d be fun.” But Kaitlyn’s only half-listening — she’s so “stressed out” about how “intense” everything is getting. Within minutes she’s burying her face in her scarf and sobbing, and that’s when things start to get grim for Cupcake. “I promised myself that I wouldn’t lead any relationship on,” she whimpers, not meeting Chris’s eye. “I just don’t know that I see us being together forever.”

OK, now I’m confused. She wasted one of her three dates on a guy she clearly isn’t feeling? And this can’t be a “I’ll give him one last chance” move because they didn’t even make it to dinner! Cupcake, bless his heart, is a gentleman to the end, saying simply, “I really wish that you could be in my life, Kaitlyn.” Once she’s out of earshot, Chris has some astute observations to share: “I don’t think she knows what she wants,” he says. “She deserves a lifetime of happiness, and, uh, I’m not sure she’s ready to find that yet. Just looking at her, she’s a mess.” The longer his interview goes on, however, the more despondent Cupcake gets.

Fortunately he doesn’t go Full Mesnick, because that would’ve resulted in Chris plunging to his death. But he does get creative with his misery, pulling his scarf over his face and weeping strenuously while a shadow lends a sympathetic boom mic ear.

Well that was a grim way to end the night, huh rose lovers? Poor Cupcake. I’m sure he and his impeccable teeth will find love someday. In the meantime, let me know what you thought of this leg of Kaitlyn’s “journey.” Was she right to take a “step back” from Shawn? Are you glad there will only be two hometown dates? And will JJ ever get another date again after admitting he’s a cheater on national television? Post your thoughts below. And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go floss. It’s what Cupcake would have wanted.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.