'The Bachelorette' Recap: Apologies and Death Threats
Hello and welcome to Bachelorette Bitchfest 2015! There’s so much rehashed drama to get to, but first, we need to tackle the most shocking… revelation… ever!
Praise be to God in Heaven, someone taught Jared how to shave! But more on the Guy Previously Known as Patchy Face later. First it’s time to get an extended preview of the “sexiest, craziest, most STD-ridden dramatic show of the summer,” Bachelor in Paradise. New, previously unannounced additions to the cast include: Joe and Justin from The Bachelorette and Mackenzie, Samantha, and Amber from Chris Soules’s season of The Bachelor… which brings the total up to 20 castoffs (plus or minus any randoms I may have missed). Other fun facts gleaned from the mega-tease: All the “ladies” still hate Clare, Ashley I. still gives good cry-face, and Ashley Onion still has a flair for the dramatic.
In other news, let us never speak of this again.
Now, back to the show at hand. Chris Harrison doesn’t even have to ask a question after the “This season on The Bachelorette” recap — BIP bound Tanner jumps right in and attacks Ian for all of douchiness. “Yeah, we made fart jokes, but we also had great conversations,” he says. “Looks like Princeton needs to teach a class on how to not be an a–hole, to be honest.” But hold up! Corey with an E — perhaps knowing this is the only way he’ll get any screen time — decides to defend Ian for what he said about Kaitlyn being a “disgraceful” ho-bag. [Cue audience boos.]
Related: Chris Harrison Blogs ‘The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All’
As for Ian, well… he may have blown his chance at being the Bachelor with his grenade-throwing final conversation with Kaitlyn, but he sure as hell isn’t going to blow this chance to redeem himself in front of America.
JK. In fact, Ian gets down on his knees to apologize — to the guys, to Kaitlyn, to Kaitlyn’s mother, to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome audience, and, of course, to America. “The things that were said on the show… were certainly not representative of who I am,” insists Ian, “and I’m down on my knees saying that I’m sorry.” Wow, that was really moving. If there’s one thing that makes an apology seem sincere, it’s excessive showboating. Congrats, Ian — you’ll always have this memory to look back on once you return to your camera-free, obscure existence.
Moving on. Harrison wants to know: Why did all the guys hate Clint? More importantly, why is JJ using air quotes when he says “hot tub”? The good news is, it gives us a reason to rewatch this amazing SNL sketch. (RIP, Chris Farley.)
Try as he might (please God, say he’s trying), JJ just can’t keep his foot out of his mouth.
Kupah’s all, BORING! When are we gonna start bashing Nick? Which is puzzling because, you know, Kupah was long gone before Nick arrived. But hey, the guy’s gotta find some way to get some attention — like Ian, Kupah’s quasi-fame window is closing too! Joshua, whose hair seems to have grown back nicely, piles on by grousing yet again that Kaitlyn never should have said “I honestly see my husband in this room” before Nick arrived — clearly forgetting that every single one of the Bachelors/Bachelorettes say some version of that sentence, because no doubt every single one of them is encouraged to say some version of that sentence by producers. For God’s sake, Josh, you might as well blast Chris Harrison for telling us it’s the “final rose tonight!” You absolutely cannot give Kaitlyn crap for saying it. She was under orders.
Before we go any further, I need to take a moment to call a major, heaping, steaming pile of BULLS–T on all of the thinly-veiled sexism we’ve heard Monday night — and, Lord help us, we’re less than 45 minutes in. First Corey with an E: “I think a lot of Kaitlyn’s decisions throughout the show were… disgraceful.” Translation: She’s a slut. Then Kupah: “I don’t think she did the best things with her role.” Translation: She’s a slut. Every time a guy noted that Kaitlyn didn’t take the “responsibility” of being the Bachelorette seriously, it was all I could do not to throw a shoe at my TV. Responsibilities? To whom, exactly? As the Bachelorette, who is Kaitlyn representing, other than herself? Absolutely no one — but all of these guys griping about “responsibilities” clearly wanted Kaitlyn to represent their idea of what a woman/wife should be. And to that I say…
End of rant. Where were we? Let’s see… JJ is sorry for throwing Clint under the proverbial bus (“I f–ked up”), and most of the guys forgive him for his general douchiness. (“JJ is an acquired taste,” says the Guy Formerly Known as Patchy Face, diplomatically.) The ladies still love Ben Z., and who can blame them? Jared admits he’s still not over Kaitlyn — it’s especially hard for him to hear the Cranberries’s “Linger,” which he “somehow” hears “twice a day now.” (How weird must this be for Clare and Ashley I., sitting in the audience, since earlier we watched footage of Jared making out with them both on BIP?) Also of note: Jared admits that he cleaned up his facial situation after Chris Harrison called him out in his blog. (So really, we here at Yahoo TV can take a little credit, too.)
Ben H., meanwhile, says he still has “a lot of love and respect for Kaitlyn” — but more importantly, he offers a little more clarity on what went down between he, Shawn, and Kaitlyn in San Antonio. Turns out Ben was in the room with Shawn during that 6-hour off-camera convo with the Bachelorette in their hotel room, and Kaitlyn’s “you’re the one” admission happened during the brief period when Ben was in the shower. That said, he’s very gracious about the whole thing. “I actually think our relationship grew because of that situation,” says Ben. Awww, what a good guy. If he’s the next Bachelor, I won’t be mad at that.
Now for the main event: Everybody please welcome Kaitlyn and her left butt cheek!
They’d both like to talk about a serious problem: Slut shaming. “Spreading hate the way people have been is not OK,” says Kaitlyn. “Like, I get death threats. That hurts.” To underscore the point, Harrison does a dramatic reading of some of the most vitriolic tweets Kaitlyn has received — most of which are grammatically suspect, none of which I will repeat here. But I pretty much had the same reaction as these ladies:
Unfortunately, though, ABC has blacked out the trolls’ Twitter handles… why? To protect their privacy? To prevent a lawsuit? As Kaitlyn herself points out, the hypocrisy of people using vile, misogynistic attacks to prove someone else is a bad role model… well, it’s astounding. See you in Hell, you cyberbastards.
After that it’s time for Step 9 (that’s “making amends,” of course). Ben H. wants to know why Kaitlyn only told Shawn about her “intimate” evening with Nick — but really, what can she say? Her response, “If it came down to that, I would have been honest with you as well,” was just a nicer way of saying, “I knew you were going home so I wasn’t about to have that ugly conversation twice.” Jonathan takes it a step further and wants to know why Nick even got to be there in the first place — but Kaitlyn shuts him down with a simple, “Didn’t you vote for Britt?”
Though Kaitlyn seems sincerely sorry that the guys were irked about Nick, she also doesn’t apologize for bringing him on. “You guys, try and date this many people at one time and don’t make a mistake and have it all televised, I dare you,” she concludes. “It’s hard.” So zip it, boys.
After a few remaining highlights — Drunk Ryan apologized to Kaitlyn for his liquor-fueled antics, Ian tried to reenact his kneeling mea culpa for the Bachelorette but got cramped up and had to say sorry while standing erect — it’s finally time for what we’re all here for: Bloopers! As always, they’re too short. It’s nearly impossible to pick a favorite, but I’ve either gotta go with tipsy Amy Schumer talking about JJ’s testicles or this:
Whoops, sorry. Getting ahead of myself there. And with that, we’re almost to the finish line, rose lovers! Did the MTA answer all of your burning questions? And how about that teachable moment with the tweets — yay or nay? Post your thoughts below, and then be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog when you’re done. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go start my endurance training for Bachelor in Paradise. Two nights a week? Lord help us all.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
