'Bachelor In Paradise' Recap: 'Do You Want to See My Hump?'

Warning: This recap contains spoilers for the Aug. 8 episode of Bachelor in Paradise.

Even after having a week to recover, I’m still not quite over the fact that Chad pooped his pants, rose lovers. But it’s something we’ll have to deal with – together – because week two of BiP begins much as week 1 ended: With “Hurricane Chad” cursing out our host. “F*** you, Chris Harrison! Come at me!”

The long-suffering host absorbs the abuse and watches stoically as Chad makes his way to the Reject SUV. “I can’t ever be the Bachelor now!” Chad bear laments to the back seat producer. “What am I going to do?” I can’t decide if it’s adorable or sad that Chad actually thought he had a shot at being the Bachelor. Then again, who knows what lines producers were feeding him to keep him happy and operating at Peak Douchebag.

Anyhow, Chad continues to rant on and on, insisting the women there were “vibing my meat taste” and making creepy bedroom eyes at the (presumably female) producer.

So… where are they driving him? Hopefully to rehab.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, the Bippers are pouring drinks themselves and celebrating their fresh, Chad-less start. Make that most of the Bippers — Carly is upset that two “ladies” will now be going home, possibly even three if another one arrives in Paradise that day. “Put the gate down!” she demands. “No more girls!”

Welcome, Leah!

You might remember Leah as the conniving little minx who tried to get Ben’s attention by bad-mouthing Lauren B. on The Bachelor — and we all know how that worked out. But it’s “fresh start” time, and Leah is hoping her fellow Bippers “are as excited to see me as I am to see them.” Um, not quite.

Still, all the women greet Leah with hugs and high-pitched Hiiiiyeeeee‘s while lamenting the “tornado of drama” that she brings with them. Leah, though, is either completely delusional or unaware that lying to producers is pointless: She keeps saying how tight she is with the other women from her season — “I’m really, really close to Amanda” and “Lace and I have become friends” — but no one seems to live in that same reality. “This is awkward,” mutters Lace as she sees Leah approach. “Her and I don’t like each other.”

Related: The 5 Craziest Quotes From ‘Bachelor in Paradise’

You’re about to like her even less, Lace, because Leah has a date card — and she wants to ask out Chad. “We both like protein!” she explains. “So I really feel like it’s a match made in heaven.” Well honey, if you run, you may be able to catch up with the Reject SUV — it seems like they’ve just been driving it in circles around the resort for the last few hours. Though Leah feels “blindsided” when she hears that Chad has already been exiled from Paradise, she quickly recovers and gets to work trying to build a temporary “connection” with some other guy.

As Leah makes the rounds with the guys, the other “ladies” soothe their anxieties by talking about her behind her back.

“She looks so different — her lips are huge,” says Jubilee. For reference, this is Leah’s headshot from The Bachelor.

Judge for yourselves. The twins have clearly already rendered their verdict.

Careful girls, or your faces may freeze that way. More importantly, though, how did we not know the twins have scoliosis?

Way to bury the lede, Team Bachelor!

Put your hump away, Twin, because Leah’s back and she wants to ask Nick on a date… much to Amanda’s chagrin.

Of course Nick says yes — he’s already admitted he’s interested in her from a “sexual chemistry” standpoint, after all. Sorry Amanda. Maybe console yourself with a banana instead?

By the way, congrats to Team Bachelor for waiting all the way until episode 2 before indulging in a twins-eating-phallic-fruit montage. That’s impressive restraint.

Amanda isn’t the only one feeling “disappointed” by Paradise. Over at the bar, Lace is currently drowning her sorrows with shots and lamenting to Jorge that her “mini-connection” with Grant seems to have vanished in the wake of Hurricane Chad. Learning that she’s upset, Grant tracks Lace down at the bar and assures her that all is okay. “Last night, like, never happened,” he insists. “That’s how I’m looking at it.” OMG I think he really liiiikes her.

Hey, I wonder how Leah’s date with Nick is going?

Never mind, honey — have a drink. Lumberjack Nick and his washboard abs don’t really care if you can walk, as long as your lips work.

Is it me, or does it kind of look like Leah was trying to chew on his face? Probably best not to dwell on it, I suppose. While all of this is going on, Amanda’s back at Playa Escondida giving her children false hope.

Girl, please. You think Team Bachelor‘s gonna allow that? Hell no — just look who got the next date card!

Close your mouth, Leah. Your crush Nick is about to have his second date in one day — but it ain’t gonna be with you. “Well, it’s all about getting to know people,” stammers Nick, who’s perhaps still a little drunk from his booze-heavy date with Leah. “So with that being said, Amanda, would you want to go on a date?” Hell yes she would! But Nick, maybe rinse with a little Scope first?

As Amanda puts her face on, Leah walks in — perhaps still a little drunk from her booze-heavy date with Nick — and starts inspecting her rival’s makeup. “How weird! I have the same bronzer, same palette… Stop trying to be me, Amanda!” she giggles. “We look similar! We have very, very similar looks.”

That twin is right, Leah — you and Amanda might both be blonde female human beings, but that’s kind of where the similarity ends. And Amanda’s a mom of two kids under 5 — it’s gonna take a lot more than your bush league head games to rattle her.

Over drinks (more drinks!) Amanda and Nick talk about Amanda’s “big heart,” her “edge,” and what she wants from a guy. It doesn’t take look before they’re canoodling and smooching by a campfire. Sorry, Leah. Hope you enjoyed your day trip to Paradise!

Leah’s not the only one feeling cast adrift. Sarah sees the clock ticking and knows she’d better start being “proactive” if she wants to stay in Paradise. And even though Izzy has already staked her claim to Vinny, Sarah likes him too, so she pulls him aside to a cabana to chat. Izzy is worried, and she should be. “I don’t know if I ever told you, but you have beautiful eyes,” Vinny tells Sarah, rubbing her leg and adding, “I’m big on physical touch.”

With Vinny spoken for (twice!) who’s left for our girl Carly? Well…

Any port in a storm, I suppose. Carly spends much of the night patiently waiting for Evan’s “aggressive, super-masculine side” to emerge, but eventually she realizes it’s like waiting for Godot and initiates the first kiss herself.

On a scale of 1 to hot, that was just… nope. “That kiss was so terrible,” notes Carly grimly. Of course, Evan thinks the whole thing was “perfect,” and he goes back to his bunk dreaming about his future with Carly.

Of course, she’ll still take his rose if he offers. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to stay in Paradise — right Lace?

Hey Lace, I that blanket you threw over the cuddle-cam fell off.

Don’t worry — it’s nothing we haven’t seen before, honey.

The night of the rose ceremony arrives, and the good news is Carly knows she’s safe — the bad news is, it’s because Evan told her she’s getting his rose. Emily and Jubilee are vying for Jared, Leah and Amanda are vying for Nick, while Sarah and Izzy are vying for Vinny. “I would really like to get to know you more,” Sarah tells the barber. He gives Sarah a sweet kiss… which gets interrupted by Izzy, who “steals” Vinny and proceeds to ask him for “validation.” Suddenly, Vinny is no longer loving all the attention.

So he goes in for the kiss with Izzy too. Speaking of things that make you groan aloud, Leah is talking again.

Why would Nick want a “dependent” and “needy” single mom like Amanda when he could have a blonde rocking the wet look and some cleavage jewelry? Leah is confident that she’s “a better match long-term” for Mr. Viall. As for Nick… well, he’s not so sure.

“I really appreciate what you’re saying,” he says hesitantly. “I guess I just felt like I connected with Amanda maybe a little bit more?” In other words, no rose for you! But Leah’s not ready to pack it in yet. “I have a plan B,” she tells us.

Damn, Daniel. Always Plan B — never the A. Weirdly enough, though, these two might just be made for each other? Let’s listen in.

Leah: “I have a lot of layers.”

Daniel: “Like an onion.”

Leah: “Like an onion.”

Daniel: “You’re not going to make me cry, though?”

Leah: “No!”

Daniel: “You’re not like an onion, then.”

Leah: “I have layers like an onion, but… I might cry, because I’m the onion…” [trails off, confused]

Daniel: “So you’re like an orange!”

Wow. Daniel, the only completely free agent among the guys, remains in high demand the rest of the night, as Izzy, Jubilee, and even the twins try to get some facetime in with the goofy Canuck. And hey, even a guy who drinks maple syrup straight out of the bottle has standards. The twins may not be “as bad as talking to a brick wall,” he clearly doesn’t see a plural marriage in their future.

Clink clink clink! Harrison arrives with this Butter Knife of Bad News, and at long last it’s just time for this “to just happen already,” as Sarah puts it. Robot roll call: Grant —> Lace; Nick —> Amanda; Evan —> Carly; Jared —> Emily (and Haley); Vinny —> Izzy; Daniel —> Sarah. Huzzah! The Canadian doofus does the decent thing and saves Bachelor Nation’s sweetheart. Sorry Jubilee and Leah, but your reality is about to get a lot less tropical. Defensive to the end, Jubilee chides herself for being into a guy who’s “interested in identical twins that he probably can’t even tell apart.” Hey now, that’s not necessary, Jubilee. No one can tell the twins apart.

Wait, so the episode’s not over yet? Huh, okay then. Another day dawns in Paradise, and everything is sunshine and giggles. That’s no fun — hey Team Bachelor, time to bring in another d-bag!

Well lookee who we have here. Josh Murray, the “winner” of Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette. After beating out Nick to win the Bachelorette’s final rose, Josh and Andi broke up in 2015 (you can read about all the ugly details in Andi’s book) — and I guess he’s been waiting by the phone for Team Bachelor to ask him out again. “I wanna find a wife more than anything,” Josh tells Harrison as the birds screech their protest in the background. “I think this is a good opportunity.”

As soon as Josh strolls in, it’s clear the rest of the guys are in trouble.

“He is, like, next level handsome,” says Sarah, and Lace says “all the girls are looking at Josh with goo-goo ga-ga eyes. Like, you know the emojis with heart faces?”

Yeah, we do. Anyhow, Josh has a date card. “Am I supposed to whip it out right now?” he asks cheekily. After perusing his options, Josh settles on — wouldn’t you know it? — Amanda. The same woman Nick likes. Again. Josh sits down with Amanda and in minutes they’re getting along famously.

(Calm down, animal lovers. I know pets can be family members too.) Josh makes sure Nick is within earshot when he announces that Amanda agreed to go out with him.

What makes things even worse for Nick is that most of the other Bippers aren’t aware of his history with Josh — and as soon as they find out they’re all OMG that must suck so hard for you! “I’m dealing with it, Daniel!” snaps Nick after one such encounter. Not only is he clearly frustrated that Josh may make him look “pathetic” yet again, Nick is concerned that Amanda could end up falling for a “pretty aggressive” guy who (Andi says) is controlling and jealous. Of course, Josh denies all of Andi’s claims.

Amanda, bless her, thinks Josh is definitely very “genuine” and says she “trusts” his answers about what really happened with Andi. They snuggle, they snorkel, they smooch endlessly. Meanwhile, Nick channels his rage into a set of angry shoulder presses on the beach.

Elsewhere in Paradise, Evan’s looking for Carly, but she’s hiding in some confessional room telling a producer about her tendency to date “feminine” men. “My first boyfriend ever now has a boyfriend,” she says. “And here we are again.”

Well honey, it might be time to fill your prescription for Cialis, because Evan just walked in with a date card. “I hate everything that’s happening here right now,” she sighs, after reluctantly agreeing to go out with the penis guy. “No part of me is excited.”

And Lord have mercy, Team Bachelor has put together a truly cruel date for this mismatched duo: They’ll be attempting to break the record for the “longest habanero kiss” ever — meaning they have to eat an infamously hot habanero pepper in under 30 seconds and then smooch continuously for at least 90 seconds.

“Why do I always get the f***ed up s*** dates?” Carly wails. Honestly, that’s a kind way to describe what happens next. She and Evan pop the evil peppers into their mouths and proceed to weep and dry heave as they struggle to swallow them. Then comes the really gross part:

No lie, that made me gag. At least Carly and Evan did end up breaking the record… on their second try, according to the Guinness website — but thank God Team Bachelor only made us watch that horror show once.

Not that what’s happening back at Playa Escondida is much better.

Is there anything more tragic than an uncomfortable silence between pretty people? “Come on. I’m, like, not ugly,” laments Emily, who can’t figure out why Jared isn’t making a move. While Vinny suggests a “testosterone shot in the butt,” Emily decides to break out her arsenal of “tricks”: Small talk, compliments, and strategic body position. When all hope seems to be lost, Jared finally goes in for the kiss. Of course, none of this means anything since the previews have already shown us that Jared ends up falling for Caila… but hey, let’s give the twin her moment.

When Amanda and Josh get back from their date, Haley steals Amanda away to talk so producers can get the Nick-Josh showdown they want. It’s a weird confrontation: Nick tries to guilt Josh into apologizing for not having a “man to man” conversation with him before asking Amanda out, but Josh just steamrolls over him with his bumptious confidence and phony good nature. “We had an incredible time today — just so you know,” he sneers at Nick. And that’s when Nick goes from passive to aggressive: “I’ve never seen someone so unapologetic for just being an ass for no reason.”

In response, Josh kisses Amanda in front of everyone (oy with those noises he makes!), and then gives Nick a sinister smile.

This is truly extraordinary — I think I’m actually starting to feel bad for Nick. To quote Mr. Viall himself, “Wow.”

Welp, rose lovers, that’s a wrap on part 1 of this week’s “journey.” What do you think? Who do you feel worse for — Carly or Nick? Do you think there’s an eyedropper’s worth of sincerity in Josh’s body? And does Daniel really have an eight-pack? Post your thoughts now! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to enter into therapy to erase the image of the Carly-Evan spit-string from my brain forever.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. After Paradise airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on ABC.