All the Wackadoo Ways the Health Care Bill Could've Been Even Worse

From ELLE

Yesterday, Republican senators revealed their 142-page health care plan, which is intended to replace the Affordable Care Act with a gun and a single bullet for every American. The plan, which was shrouded in secrecy, was kept in the Ark of the Covenant until the very last minute. Prior to the unveiling, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell engaged in a brief struggle with Indiana Jones over control of the Ark, but ultimately won.

While many were expecting a drastically different plan from the one that House Republicans failed to push through earlier this year, the Senate plan bore striking similarities to it, including cutting all government reimbursements for Planned Parenthood for a year, allowing insurance companies to charge seniors up to five times what they would charge younger customers, and forcing all Americans to appear on the new reality television show So You Think You Want to Keep Living!

The contentious bill will head to the Senate floor for debate, a vote, and a gladiator-style death match next week. But its continued progress won't be easy. Protesters gathered outside of Sen. McConnell's office all day yesterday, many of whom were forcibly separated from their wheelchairs and removed. Vociferous opposition came swiftly from a number of organizations and experts, including the AARP, the American Cancer Society, and the Tooth Fairy. President Obama made his strong opposition known in a Facebook post that said, in part, "It hands enormous tax cuts to the rich and to the drug and insurance industries, paid for by cutting health care for everybody else."

Senator McConnell reportedly responded, "I know. Isn't it cool?"

While even some Republican senators are expressing reservations about the bill, it's important to note that it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. It does include provisions like a repeal of a tanning tax, which would make at least one Twitter-obsessed American president very happy, but there are a great many controversial features that didn't make it in.

Some totally real and definitely not made up* of the aspects of the bill that didn't make the final cut:

• All copays would have to be paid in gold doubloons "like Captain Jack Sparrow." It's reported that at least two senators have deep investments in the gold doubloon industry.

• Before treating you, your doctor would be required to ask, "Are you sure you really want to keep going? Doesn't Heaven seem like a cool place?"

• The new Senate bill included a suggestion that "we just see how many things Airborne can take care of."

• Getting old would have been outlawed. (Note: A version of this provision remains in the new plan.)

• Long-term nursing care for low-income seniors would be cut and replaced by Luther from The Warriors standing outside your window calling, "Come out to play."

• You would be ineligible for health care if you'd ever had impure thoughts.

• Wealthy Americans with declining health would have the option of receiving any medical care they wanted or choosing a poorer American to "do that thing from Get Out."

• For some reason, before receiving treatment at an emergency room, you would have to say, "Barack Obama was a pox on this country."

• Also, a reintroduction of poxes, small and large.

• If you've ever written something snarky about the health care plan online, you're also ineligible. "Because laughter is the best medicine, right?"

Oh. Wait....

*Actually not real and totally made up―for now.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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