The Worst People You'll Meet at Starbucks
By GQ Editors
In 2015 corporate America, “Starbucks?” is the new “Smoke?” The coffee’s just okay, but the misanthropic people-watching is the best work-break entertainment going.
MR. COFFEE ROCK
His order: “One grande hazelnut and… Say, who’s this playing? It’s just so smooth. Oh, really? Heck yes, I’d like to add on the Norah Jones album!”
THE DRINK DICTATOR
Her order: “I’d like a double dirty chai latte, but could you put on a dollop of whipped cream plus a teensy bit of the caramel squiggles and ten—not eleven, not nine—granules of mocha dust on top, then hum ‘Careless Whisper’ as you hand me the cup? THANK YOOOU!”
MRS. REVISIONIST HISTORY
Her order: “Ugh, when I said iced coffee with coconut milk? I meant a mocha Frap with agave. JADEN, SIT.”
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THE FEISTY SPELL-CHECKER
Her order: “Yeah, um, it’s actually Persephonee with TWO e’s. Thanksss.”
THE MOCHA LATTE PERV
His order (every day for two years): [drops thirty-nine cents into the tip jar, winks slowly] “That’s for you, sweetie. You should smile more.”
THE NATIVE STARBUCKS-ESE SPEAKER
His order: “Can I get one Very Berry Hibiscus Refresher and a Chonga bagel to go using my treat receipt?”
THE WORST PERSON IN HUMAN HISTORY
His order: “Tall half-caf iced coffee, and I’ll pay with the app. Wait, my phone just froze, hold on.”
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Illustration courtesy of GQ
