Online Dating 101: 5 Ways to Get More (Non-Creepy) Messages

Photo: Two Night Stand

I have what can best be described as a hate-love relationship with online dating. I HATE how long I’ve been at it—four years now, on and off, since I first moved to New York City—but I love all of the interesting people I’ve met, the amusing experiences I’ve had, and the many stories I’ve gathered.

Over time, I’ve gotten pretty good at certain aspects of the format. One of those is getting messages from tons of boys, which is not as easy (or passive) as you might think. Most people can’t just create a run-of-the-mill profile and watch the propositions pile in: It takes mad skills and raw talent.

But let’s just say, if getting possible matches to contact you were an art, I’d be Georgia O’K-Cupid-eeffe. Read my tips, below.

Log on and update often.

The first step to getting attention when you’re online dating is to actually log on. No kidding—I’ve known several friends who’ve redefined passivity when it comes to dating sites, and won’t log on to their account unless they get notified of a message they’ve received via email. Don’t do that.

Logging on frequently doesn’t just boost your profile to the top (especially when people search for users who’ve been “online” recently), it lets your potential matches know that you’re actually interested in dating. The only thing that has ever stopped me from messaging an awesome-seeming guy, is seeing that he hasn’t looked at his profile in two weeks. If you don’t have time to sign in, you probably don’t have time for me. Or anyone. (But especially me.)

Another way to make impressions easily is to update your profile. The more you switch things up, the higher your prof will appear in your potential match’s list of his or her maybe-matches. Technology, man… it’s wild. Updating can mean anything from adding a new picture to changing a line in your bio; it doesn’t really matter.

While we’re on the subject, don’t date your pictures. If the best non-selfie photo you have of yourself is from “summer ‘11,” it doesn’t make you look too cool for cameras… it makes you look boring and possibly friendless. Sorry.

Smile in your pics.

This sounds obvious, but there are a LOT of girls (and guys) in this world who seem to subscribe to the idea that smiling isn’t sexy. I blame the Kardashians. Yes, even you, Caitlyn.

But human beings are hardwired to smile when we’re happy; it’s a natural reaction. Did you see how cute the Olsens looked at the CFDA Awards?? My point exactly. People like being around other people who are happy.

Not only will you look cuter smiling, but there’s also this: Even if an interested party can’t think of anything else to say to you about your profile or pictures, he or she will still be able to message you and say, “You have a great smile.” And you could have the worst smile in the world! But they’ll still be able to say that.

Something you won’t ever see in a message? “Wow, I love your serious, non-expressive face!” Or, “Sweet prune lips!”

So… yeah! You should smile.

Be a little silly.

On most online dating sites, there’s a section on your profile that asks you to fill out what you want in a partner, called “who I’m looking for” or “you should message me if,” or something of that ilk. A lot of people write stuff like, I’m looking for my best friend, a partner in crime, someone I click with, or worst of all, “You should message me if… you want to.” But they’re doing it so, so wrong.

As nice as those things are, EVERYONE’s looking for them—and therefore, it’s a wasted opportunity to make an impression on the person viewing your profile.

Instead of being generic, go with something that’s very specific and a little ridiculous. On my own profile, I wrote that a dude should message me if he “prefers the aisle seat”—which, as you’ve probably inferred, means that I only like the window seat on planes, busses, and… spaceships. (Though someone recently pointed out to me that, on most commercial flights, that probably means I like the middle seat. Womp.)

It might sound silly, but I can’t even explain how many messages I get from men telling me they’re “definitely aisle seat guys.” It’s an easy intro, and one they don’t have to think too hard about making. Others start by saying, “Aisle seats suck; the window seat’s way better!” Those are people I do not reply to. HA!

A similar strategy might involve gummy bear colors or some other generally inoffensive thing that people have strong opinions about, like your favorite Muppet or which OC character gave you the hots (Seth).

Show a hint of skin.

Like Beyonce says, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” This one might be a little controversial, but… here’s the deal: IT WORKS.

I had been on OKCupid for around three years when I first decided to try out the ole boobs-in-the-profile-pic thing. (While I’m not always the most conservative dresser, I’m certainly not what you’d call an exhibitionist. A former co-worker once described my style as resembling “an eight-year-old on a yacht.”) I chose a photo of me on a sailboat—not a yacht, mind you—wearing a body-con dress with some cleavage, for good measure. As far as social situations go, there are few as wholesome as sailing, so in my opinion, that cancels out the bosoms a little bit.

Also, I’m smiling a legit smile, in which teeth are very much present. Life’s all about balance, you know?

Prior to switching my photo (which, before, was of me jumping in a sundress), I’d be lucky to get one or two messages a day. But as soon as I updated it, the date requests started FLOODING in. I’m talking 15 to 20 a day, for months.

The most interesting part? The vast majority of the messages I got were NOT creepy in nature. Because none of my other pictures were revealing, I didn’t come off as looking trashy or begging for attention. My theory (and I’m not a scientist so, take from this what you will) is that most of the guys who clicked my profile because of my cleavage, did so almost subliminally.

Of course, I’ll occasionally get a “Wow I love your curves,” which skeeves me out as much as the next girl. But more than any other physical feature, they compliment me on my freckles. Which is good! Though I should probably start wearing sunscreen more.

Message them first.

The number one most sure-fire way to get someone you’re interested in to message you on a dating site is… to just message him or her first! (No, this wasn’t a countdown, but it just seemed more dramatic this way.)

In the golden age of non-line dating, verbally-inferior people could just keep walking by the object of their affection at a bar, smizing and pretending to laugh about something hilaaarious their friend had just said. But in modern times, when many of us prefer staying in and watching Netflix on Friday nights instead of getting jiggy in da club, that won’t cut it.

Actually, visiting someone’s profile repeatedly, hoping he or she will get the hint and message you, can come off as super creepy. I actually just blocked a guy who was looking at my profile every two hours for DAYS and never actually messaged me. It was way too weird. (Also, his info bragged about how he’d never seen The Wire and that isn’t really something to be proud of.)

So send them a message. They might be a little shy, they might not check the list of people who’ve visited their profile. Maybe they rarely log on, and they only get notifications about messages through their email. Either way, the best way to let someone know that you definitely won’t turn them down for a date or meet up or what have you is to just take initiative and get in there first (there = their inbox).

And now you know. Happy online dating!

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