Dear Justin Bieber: You’re Making It Really Hard for Me to Crush on You

I’m not sure of the exact moment it happened, but at some point over the last few months, I started crushing on Justin Bieber. Hard.

Maybe it was that new platinum, Kate Gosselin-esque hairdo, or the buildup to his upcoming album, Purpose, or those blurry n00ds—which I definitely do not condone—bible!!!, but love often has no rhyme or reason. I had it bad for the Biebs, and I welcomed his newfound presence in my Instagram feed.

Despite having made some bad choices over the past couple of years (drunk drag racing and an $80K house egging may ring a bell), this modern-day JB seemed cleaned up, remorseful, and ready for a fresh start. He cried during his performance at the 2015 Video Music Awards, later telling Jimmy Fallon that he was overwhelmed by how thrilled everyone seemed to see him.

“I’ve worked so hard at just becoming the man that I want to become,” he explained. And I beliebed him. His makeover—both bod and soul—came at just the right time: His new songs were totally my jam, his voice had a strange way of calming me down… and my time sitting shiva after Zayn Malik left One Direction was finally wrapping up.

“What’s with you always obsessing over these young boy singers?” my mum asked me, presumably disturbed by her 28-year-old daughter’s insistence on surfing the radio to find the latest Bieber single. But I couldn’t explain it. It just felt right. Really, is it possible to feel WRONG when you’ve got “What Do You Mean” bumping on high blast in your Toyota Corolla?

But, like a little kid sitting in time out who just can’t stop reaching for that candy across the room, it didn’t take long for Bieber’s not-so-nice side to start poking back through.

It began in September, only 11 days after that emotional VMAs comeback performance. Biebsy was in Rockefeller Plaza, singing “WDYM” on Today—when suddenly, right before a commercial break, he walked up to a camera. “Next time I won’t dance,” he said, clearly annoyed. “Because the camera’s right here the whole time. I might as well not even dance. What do I do this for if they’re just gonna…” The screen cut to an ad.

Ok, I thought. Maybe that one camera guy was hounding him and hindering his swaggy choreography? Or maybe he was just having a crappy day. Some people just aren’t into mornings! That’s got to be it.

So I continued diving deeper into Bieber territory, pre-ordering his album (DELUXE edition, TYVM) the day it became available, and listening to his recent discography on repeat while I got ready every morning and on my commute to work.

On October 26, JB announced that his latest (and greatest? Maybe) single, “Sorry,” was the official end to his recent ‘apology tour.’ “It’s kind of the stamp in the end of the apologies that I’m giving to people, to the media,” he said in a radio interview. “There needs to come a time where they’re just like, ‘We get it.’ And I think putting out a song saying ‘I’m sorry’ kinda puts the finishing icing on the cake. I’m ready to just move on.” I was ready, too. The world was ready.

But being ready to move on and actually moving on are two separate things—and Biebs seems to be having some issues with the latter. Only two days later, the pop star walked out on an awkward radio show interview in Spain. The day after that, he abruptly walked off a stage in Oslo—and refused to perform—after a fan in the front row apparently rubbed him the wrong way. “Never mind,” he told the crowd, already filling the arena. “I’m done. I’m not doing the show.”

Just like that, the apology tour was back on. This time, Bieber saved his sorries for Instagram, saying that he “[doesn’t] always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. […] For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour [sic].“

And I was like, yes, I get it! Some days are worse than others. He’s got a lot on his plate. And knowing the entire Internet has seen you naked must do some weird things to your psyche. The point is, Biebs knew he was wrong. It’s just like he says in the song: “I made those mistakes maybe once or twice/By once or twice I mean maybe a couple a hundred times.” He’s not perfect! He’s only human! And a very attractive one, at that. So once again, I cut him some slack.

BUT THEN, late Monday night, it happened again. Again! Something started trending on my Facebook about Biebs scolding his fans for clapping. Wait, wha?! I hesitated to click. At this point, the media’s just out to get him, I thought. That poor Little Boy Biebs.

Unable to resist, I eventually clicked. The video clip showed JB in Spain, doing a quieter acoustic version of “What Do You Mean.” The audience, clearly stoked to be witnessing the Canadian pop sensation in the flesh, began clapping along—but mid-song, Bieber seemed to feel that the tempo didn’t suit. So instead of easing the clappers into his own timing by maybe tapping his thigh to the rhythm or something, he stopped the entire song!!!!!!!!

“At least clap on the right notes guys,” he says suddenly, while his guitarist plays on—before commanding the audience to “Stopstopstopstopstopstop. If you’re gonna clap, at least clap on beat.” Then he sort of giggles. But this time, it was no laughing matter.

These are your fans, JB! The ones who are rooting for you—remember? Who gives a mouse’s tush if they’re clapping off beat, or are being annoying at the concert that they paid to go see? These are the people who made you JUSTIN BIEBER! If it weren’t for them (and Usher, I guess), you’d just be another 21-year-old kid bussing tables on school nights and smoking bad weed at house parties. Actually, real talk? You’d be crashing said house parties, because no one would be inviting you since you’re so touchy and prone to outbursts of anger. UGH.

In his latest song, “I’ll Show You,” Bieber wardbles, “It’s like they want me to be perfect, when they don’t even know that I’m hurting.” Life’s tough, little Bieber—get a helmet. Maybe try booking a few therapy sessions while you’re at it.

And then, once you’ve done that… call me?

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