Dear Abby Comes Under Fire for Response on Date Rape
Advice columnist Jeanne Phillips. (David Livingston/Getty Images)
For 60 years or so, Dear Abby has been answering our questions about love, life, and relationships. The advice columnist has been a trusted source and a good friend of sorts. But her most recent response to a question related to rape has some people second-guessing the current columnist’s judgment.
On Wednesday, a letter from “Uncertain in Illinois” was submitted by a high school student. In it, she discusses a recent sexual encounter with a male that she thought might be rape.
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“DEAR ABBY: I am a junior in high school. Last year, a guy I have known for two years began showing a sexual interest in me,” she writes. “I rejected his advances. Last week, he began expressing his interest again, letting me know he wanted to have sex. He invited me to study — only study — but said we ‘might’ make out.”
The writer then goes on to say how, when the pair first met up, they started kissing, but things quickly escalated from there. “He took me to a semi-isolated area and we ended up having sex. It wasn’t fun or pleasurable. I told him he was hurting me, but he didn’t stop until the third time I said it. He was very upset with me. He only cared about me pleasuring him.”
While she mentions that she discussed the event with two of her close friends, she wanted Abby to weigh in because her confidants were conflicted: one said she was raped, and the other said she wasn’t.
Dear Abby, which is currently overseen by Jeanne Phillips, who took over the job in 2002 from her mother, Pauline Phillips, responded: “It appears you and that boy had a severe breakdown in communication, which led to your being sexually assaulted.”
The letter continued: “He had made no secret that he wanted sex with you, and may have interpreted your willingness to kiss him after he took you somewhere other than what was agreed upon as a signal that you were willing, even though you didn’t say so.” She then goes on to define “date rape” as nonconsensual sex. “Unless a girl explicitly expresses her willingness to proceed, it is the responsibility of the boy NOT to proceed.”
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The Dear Abby column, which was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips, who used the pen name Abigail Van Buren, then suggests that the student tell her parents what happened or speak to a school counselor. “To me what happened illustrates how important it is for parents to talk to their sons and daughters about responsible behavior because failure to do that can have lifelong consequences for both.”
So while Abby does admit that that the girl had been sexually assaulted, apparently it wasn’t clear to readers whether she thought the encounter fell under the criteria of “date rape,” even though the student said it was nonconsensual.
Many were quick to weigh in on the issue in the comments section. “Personally, I think it sounds a lot like regular rape and I hope LW reports it, for her own sake and for the sake of the boy’s next ‘date,’” said one commenter.
“Why do you seem so vested in criticizing him while giving her a pass? They’re the same freaking age,” another noted. “She’s too stupid to be allowed in the world by herself simply because she’s 16? He commands the full knowledge of the universe at 16?” Many pointed out the sexism in Abby’s commentary, and one even said, “I am truly disgusted by Abby’s response.”
