'We Really Want to Be There': Hollywood's Nanny Complex

Photo by Stacy Keibler

On first read, Stacy Keibler’s ode to motherhood in People on Feb. 4, in which which she discusses “the most important job” she’s ever had, is charmingly relatable. The actress (and famous ex of George Clooney), 35, talks about striving for balance and taking things day-by-day when it comes to the daughter she has with husband Jared Pobre, 5-month-old Ava Grace. But closer attention to the remarks show that privileged Keibler is far outside the realm of the every-mom.

“Once we had Ava, we realized how important this first year of her life is…So we really want to be there and we want to be the ones doing everything,” she says about being able to make the decision to stay home full-time — the implication being, if Keibler wasn’t home, doing “everything,” she’d be missing out on all the “important” stuff.

And she’s just the latest star to have said as much. Ashton Kutcher raised his nanny-free flag in December, telling Ellen DeGeneres all about how he and Mila Kunis have decided against outsourcing help for their 4-month-old daughter Wyatt. “We just want to know our kid,” Kutcher said, acknowledging, at least, that he’s lucky to have the freedom to choose. “We want to be the people that know what to do when the baby’s crying to make the baby not cry anymore. We want to know, like, when she makes a little face or something, we want to be emotionally in touch with her. And I think the only way to do that is by being the one who’s there.”

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Trouble is, these types of self-sacrificing comments suggest that parents who don’t have the means, ability, or preference to stay at home with their babies ’round the clock do not care enough about them to be point person each day, every day. “Taking the childcare game to the next level,” gripes one of many insulted commenters on one of the stories about Kutcher’s remarks. “Two rich [jerks] who are so wealthy that they don’t need to hire help to raise their infant because THEY DON’T NEED TO WORK AT ALL while taking care of the baby.”

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Sure, caring for children without professional help may be a novel choice in the rarified world of celebrities, but all too many parents don’t have a choice at all when it comes to working inside or outside of the home. And for them, remarks like Keibler’s and Kutcher’s can sting.

“If our nation mandated a year of paid leave, then everyone could stay home for the first year of their child’s life,” Working Mother Research Institute Director Jennifer Owens tells Yahoo Parenting. “[But] putting a roof over your child’s head is part of parenting, and for the vast majority of parents, that means having to work continuously.” And the last thing that moms and dads conflicted by this reality need is the message that their situation is lacking. A 2010 Working Mother magazine survey, in fact, found that 57 percent of working mothers already feel guilty every single day.

“It may be that celebrities work so much, staying home is seen as a wonderful reprieve,” psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig tells Yahoo Parenting. “If they’re excited to change their life, great. If they can do it financially, fantastic — but that isn’t necessarily true for everybody.” People upset by comments such as Keibler’s and Kutcher’s, she says, “have to remember that any time we get stuck on one type of parenting as ‘right,’ we create problems. That’s where we get into mother shaming.”

The real challenge isn’t figuring out where you stand on the scale of what other people think is best, Ludwig says. Rather, it’s finding peace with the choices you have made for yourself and your family. “Parenting is a very personal choice,” she explains. “Not having a nanny and saying home all day sounds like a simplistic way to have quality time with your child but it’s not so simple. If you’re not happy, present, and gratified with how that feels it’s not going to work,” no matter how much you believe it’s the “best” way to go.

Feelings on the issue may shift, too, as children age and their needs change. “I would advise these celebs talk to me in a year or two when they have gone back to work, and the juggle has become much more complex,” Owens notes.

So if you start to smart while reading about celebrities’ enviable freedom to choose, try looking inward. “Developing inner self-confidence is so important when it comes to parenting,” says Ludwig. “That will allow you to be OK with other people making different choices, secure in the knowledge that that doesn’t make you wrong.” Everyone has moments of insecurity, wondering, “Do they have a secret I don’t have?” she adds. “You have to take your ego out of it. There are lots of different ways to do this parenting job ‘correctly.’ The road you’ve chosen is the one that works best for your family. It’s about making that as happy and as wonderful as you can. It’s always a leap of faith.”