Should You Worry If Your Kid Has Imaginary Friends? The Great Debate
Has your child ever asked you to set a place at the dinner table for his imaginary friend? Or have you overheard him having an argument with an invisible companion?
While some parents can chalk up this behavior to a fertile imagination, others may be concerned about why their child has invented a buddy and what it all means. So, is it normal to have an imaginary friend?
The Research
Imaginary friends are more common than you’d, well, imagine. A study published in the journal Developmental Psychology found that by 7 years old, 65 percent of children say they’ve had an imaginary friend at some point in their lives. And about the same number of school-age kids have imaginary friends as children in preschool (31 percent vs. 28 percent, respectively).
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The same study found that while some children considered special toys to be their imaginary friends with their own personalities, the majority (nearly 70 percent) of make-believe friends are invisible. Interestingly, these “friends” may not stick around for all of childhood. The researchers found that the children had between one and 13 imaginary friends over time.
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In the past, imaginary companions were met with some concern, with early researchers connecting them to social problems, such as a “nervous temperament” or “timidity in the presence of other children,” according to Marjorie Taylor’s book, Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them. But Taylor says these early studies were flawed since they didn’t always include control groups.
Newer studies show there are social and emotional benefits to having an imaginary friend and that it’s a sign of a healthy personality. In one study published in the Journal of Adolescence, “socially competent and creative adolescents with good coping abilities were particularly prone to create such a very special friend.”
Imaginary friends can be a healthy part of childhood development. (Photo: Getty Images)
What the Experts Say
Benjamin Spock, the well-known pediatrician from the 1940s, suggested that children who spent too much time with imaginary friends simply needed more “hugging and piggyback rides,” and that if their buddies were still around by age 4, “a child psychiatrist, child psychologist, or other mental health counselor should be able to find out what they are lacking,” according to Slate.
Today, most experts agree that pretend friends have gotten a bad rap. “But [research] shows that nearly two-thirds of children have them, and the striking fact is that children of all personality styles have imaginary companions,” Stephanie Carlson, PhD, of the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota, tells ScienceDaily.
Karen Majors, of the University College London’s Institute of Education, points to several benefits of fantasy friends. "Our results showed that imaginary friends provided an outlet for children’s imagination and story making, facilitating games, fun and companionship,” he tells ScienceDaily. “These versatile friends also enabled them to cope with new life events like moving house or going on holiday. Above all, these findings remind us just how imaginative children are, which is something we should be pleased about.”
That said, the relationship with imaginary friends can be adversarial at times, though even these moments help your child understand other view points and hone empathy skills. “If you talk to children with imaginary companions, it’s not all sweet and rosy,” Paul L. Harris, a professor of education at Harvard, tells the Chicago Tribune. “Sometimes they squabble or have an argument, and you get the sense that the imaginary companion has a mind of its own. So the child is in this interesting position of having to defend their point of view even as they act out the other point of view.”
However, if your child’s imaginary friend causes her anxiety or fear, talk to your pediatrician. “If the child becomes obsessed with this play or it interferes with normal social interaction, then parents might want to assess what else is going on,“ Cherie Baetz-Davis, a licensed psychologist in St. Louis tells EverydayFamily.com. "Typically, imaginary friends will drop off when it is no longer socially accepted by their peer group.”
What the Parents Say
“‘Goopa’ appeared out of the blue one day about a year ago. Goopa’s gender changes sometimes, but it’s mostly a 'he.’ They seem to only play together at school. Little girls can be mean, and I think there’s a little bit of normal schoolyard stuff that goes on; Goopa seems to appear when those issues flair up.” —Kelly B.
“My daughter has had various imaginary friends, and I was not weirded out by it at all. I think childhood is the time to be creative and curious, so I’ve always encouraged her to use her imagination. I think it’s how she makes sense of her world.” —Rena C.
The Bottom Line
It’s perfectly normal and even healthy for children to have an imaginary friend, to provide comfort and help them cope during challenging periods, while helping them improve their communications skills and empathy.
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