Should You Intervene When Siblings Argue? The Great Debate
Arguing amongst siblings, whether they’re toddlers or teenagers, is a common — if not daily — occurrence. But should parents step in at the first sign of conflict or let siblings fend for themselves and work things out on their own?
The Research
There are some potential benefits to siblings who squabble, according to research: Clashes can help promote social and psychological growth, giving kids opportunities to practice their conflict-resolution skills. However, not all conflict is constructive — in some cases, it can be destructive and detrimental. In fact, parents may underestimate how serious sibling conflicts can be.
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A 2013 study in journal Pediatrics looked at sibling-on-sibling aggression, such as hitting or taking away property that belongs to the other sibling. The researchers found that this type of aggression is often written off by parents as normal or harmless, but it can negatively impact children’s mental health, causing distress.
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The tricky part for parents is knowing whether — or when — they should step in.
Canadian researchers looked at the latest research on sibling conflict and found that when parents intervene, it robs kids of the chance to develop conflict resolution strategies and may even make the situation worse. On the flip side, when parents get involved, they can sometimes help de-escalate the disagreement and guide their kids towards constructive solutions.
What should parents do when their children argue? (Photo: Getty Images)
The best compromise appears to be teaching children how to resolve conflict and then letting them find a resolution on their own, according to the Canadian researchers. A 2013 study in the Journal of Adolescent Health backs that up: It found that giving siblings certain tools, such as helping them get better at identifying their feelings and working on coming up with solutions together, helped resolve conflicts without parents having to always intervene.
What the Experts Say
Most experts agree that if your children are having a minor tiff — say, over who gets to play with a new toy or who gets control over the TV remote — let them work things out on their own. “As much as possible, parents should let siblings resolve their own problems,” writes Suzanne West of Cornell University’s department of human development and family studies on the school’s site. “Attempting to parentally solve each instance of sibling rivalry may increase, not decrease, the problems, because much of the bickering may be intended to get your attention in the first place. Once your children realize you’re not going to get involved, they may give up their attention-grabbing bickering or settle the arguments on their own.”
Even if it’s a major spat, some say parents shouldn’t jump to fix things, claiming that arguing amongst siblings builds character. “The more the children upset each other, the more they learn about regulating their emotions and how they can affect the emotions of others,” Claire Hughes, author of Social Understanding and Social Lives, which is based on a five-year research project on siblings, tells The Guardian. “I don’t want to be the woman who says it’s good if your children hate each other, but parents might take some sort of comfort, when their children are fighting, in the discovery that they are learning valuable social skills and intelligence which they will take outside the home, and apply to other children.”
But not all kids are capable of finding a solution and hugging it out without the parents getting involved. “I have seen many situations in which the kids did not work it out,” Laura Markham, PhD, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, writes on her site, Aha! Parenting. “Instead, one child was bullying another and was allowed to get away with it. I would not allow that kind of behavior, obviously, and would intervene as actively as necessary to prevent it. Every child has the right to be safe in his own home.”
Rather than parents acting as referees, kids can be taught to resolve their own conflicts with guidance. "When siblings come up with their own solutions, they may be more likely to use those solutions again in the future,” Mark Feinberg, PhD, research professor of health and human development at Penn State, tells ScienceDaily.
What the Parents Say
“If my kids are fighting over a toy, I either let them work it out or in some cases, I intervene and take the toy until they can work out a solution, such as sharing. If they are getting verbally aggressive over something serious, I separate them until the dust settles.” —Jennifer Bickerton.
"I do my best to have them work out their petty arguments (‘She took my brush’ or 'She looks at me with a mean face’) on their own. But when there are real hurt feelings, or one has laid hands on the other, I intervene — sometimes very loudly.” —Laurel S.
“I would prefer for them to sort it out, but when I see it escalating I try to mediate verbally. My typical approach is to reason with them: For example, 'A had it first. Can you wait another minute, B?’ Sometimes I might request them to share to keep the peace. Worst case scenario, I would take the toy away.” — Ayman H.
The Bottom Line
Intervening every time your children have a tiff can prevent them from learning how to navigate their way through conflicts together (not to mention be a hassle for the parents). Instead, try teaching kids how to calm down, compromise, negotiate, and resolve issues on their own. That said, parents should step in the moment a sibling argument escalates to verbal abuse or physical violence.
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