How to Make Sure Your Kids Are Friends For Life
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As a mom to an almost 4-year-old girl and her baby sister of 7 months, I often wonder if I’m doing everything I can to nurture their relationship with each other. Ultimately, I want them to be sisters who share secrets, support one another, and become best friends. But how can I encourage that?
“It’s all about warmth, fun, and connection — the goal is develop affection,” Laura Markham, clinical psychologist and author of the recent book Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life, tells Yahoo Parenting. Here’s how parents can help siblings of all ages bond from the very beginning.
Let older children feel needed. When a new baby is crying, ask your older child what he thinks his sibling is saying. “You can also tell him, ‘Oh, your baby wants you! Let’s go see her,’” says Markham. “Then give the older one a chance to determine the baby’s needs. ‘Yes! She wants to eat. Good idea!’” When your older kid is the one to make a suggestion, he’ll feel helpful rather than jealous — and in time, he’ll become a teacher to his younger sib.
Spend quality time with each child. It may be convenient to use nap time as an opportunity to tackle your to-do list, even if it means plopping your older kid in front of the television. “But then the nap is over and you haven’t had time to connect with your older child, which is incredibly important,” says Markham. “If you’re exhausted, simply sitting next to the older child and being present is a very loving thing to do.” When the baby wakes up, she says, your older child has had his needs met and is less likely to feel resentful toward his sibling.
Give everyone a separate space. Make sure that as kids grow up, each one has their own private area. All kids need a place to retreat, especially those who share a room. If space is an issue, Markham suggests creating a line down the middle of the floor (you can use a piece of tape) and arranging furniture distinctly so each kid feels like he owns a space.
Model good conflict resolution. “Treat everyone, from your kids to the guy who cut you off in traffic, with respect,” says Markham. That means no sarcastic comments about your partner’s shortcomings and no yelling at the kids — Markham says that teaches siblings to yell at each other. “If you’re about to shout, take some deep breaths [to stay] calm and acknowledge the other person’s perspective,” she says.
Try a do-over. When the day is stressful, acknowledge the tension and your feelings, especially with older children. “Try something like, ‘Let’s talk about what happened this morning when I got mad and yelled. I was tired, your sister was crying, you were mad, and I didn’t know what to do so I yelled. You don’t deserve that — I’m so sorry. Let’s have a do-over.’” Markham adds that kids are quick to forgive when parents are honest and they’ll model that example during sibling conflict.
Encourage inclusive play. Family activities — picnics, playing board games— helps siblings view each other as friends, even if there’s a big age difference between them. “Toddlers can sing songs and play games which is both fun for them and entertaining for a baby,” she says.
Don’t ask kids to share. “Research shows when you do something kind for someone, it releases oxytocin and makes you want to be even more generous,” says Markham. But instead of telling your child to share with her brother (which may cause him to feel resentful), take what Markham calls self-regulated turns. “A rule could be that one child has a toy until lunchtime, then the other gets it until bedtime,” she says. If one is finished before his turn is over, he might freely give it to his sibling, an independent decision that also triggers that feel-good cycle.
Praise each child to the other. Markham says telling children how lucky they are to have a wonderful sibling (in front of each other) reminds kids that having more children doesn’t mean there’s less love to go around.
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