Why I'll Never Be a 'Helicopter Parent'

Tanya Steel, her husband Bob Steel of 23 years, and their twin teenage boys, Sanger, left, and William, right. (Photo: Tanya Steel)

We’ve all heard of “helicopter parents,” those who control, protect, and direct every facet of their children’s existence from their social lives to their entertainment and education — often resulting in indecisive and insecure kids or rebellious ones desperate for their freedom.

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As the mother of 17-year-old identical-twin boys, the notion of helicoptering was something I was deeply aware of and tried to, well, fly away from. Practically speaking, I couldn’t constantly be on top of two babies, toddlers, tweens, and now teens, as I worked full time. And from a parenting standpoint, I felt that no one would benefit from micromanaging. Not that I had much of a choice — teens don’t tend to listen to anyone but their peers and they don’t disclose much to their parents other than that they’re hungry or need another pair of headphones.

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What many parents of teens come to realize is that it’s better to be what I call a “drone parent,” and observe your kids from afar. Here are four reasons why subtlety is an effective way to parent.

You learn more about your children. When kids don’t realize you’re quietly monitoring who they are with, or what they’re watching on their phones, you’ll find out more than you would by barging into their room and demanding to know what’s going on. You may call that spying. I call it being smart.

Your children will feel fulfilled by small successes. At any age, the notion of “I did it myself” is powerful. This is especially true with teens, which, like toddlers, are always testing boundaries and seeking independence, in order to chart their own course in life.

You’ll seem trustworthy: Putting a bit of distance between you and your kids will cause them to believe that you would provide an objective opinion on any challenges they face.

Your kids will be more confident. When you’re not hovering 24/7, you’ll reduce any temptation to cave in to peer pressure because kids will feel like their own person. And if they do make a mistake, they’re more likely to learn from the experience.

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