10 Things I Want My Son to Know Because I Once Attempted Suicide
By Kelley Clink
Photo: Getty Images/Odilon Dimier/PhotoAlto
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As teenagers, my brother and I both attempted suicide. We both survived. A few years later, when we were in our early 20s, my brother attempted again. This time, he succeeded. Ten years have passed since my brother’s death, and I am now the mother of a son. As a survivor of suicide, here are 10 things I want him to know:
1. Feel Your Feelings
There will always be people who are uncomfortable with difficult feelings. Don’t be scared, they’ll say. Don’t be sad. Or worse: don’t cry. They’ll tell you to toughen up. Don’t listen. The deeper you bury your hurts and fears, the more painful they become. Instead, acknowledge your difficult feelings and hold them gently. Allow them to be what they are without trying to change them and trust that they will pass.
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2. Everything Is Temporary
Feelings, relationships, seasons—everything is always changing. This is one of the hardest things to remember, regardless of whether or not you are depressed. When you are experiencing a challenge, remind yourself of this as often as possible. Even better, ask others to remind you.
3. Reach Out
Individualism is the great American myth. The truth is that no one gets through life alone; real strength comes from honesty, and vulnerability is the foundation of community. Ask for help when you need it. Share your feelings with someone compassionate and supportive.I’m making this sound easier than it is. It’s actually terrifying. You may feel rejected or judged. If that happens, please try reaching out to someone else. It takes time and courage, but you will find the right people.
4. Listen
When you begin sharing your feelings with others, they begin sharing their feelings with you. You may be tempted to try and fix their problems or change the way they feel. Unless they ask you for help, the best way to support them is to listen without judgment.
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5. Tell Someone
If you are having thoughts of suicide, tell someone who can help you: a family member, a friend, a teacher, a counselor. Then, let them help you.
6. Ask Someone
If you suspect that someone you care about is having thoughts of suicide, ask him/her. It may be uncomfortable, but it may save a life.
7. Recognize Your Expectations
You are never going to be perfect. Life is never going to be perfect. And guess what? That’s OK. The root of every disappointment is an expectation. When you are struggling with a situation or feeling, ask yourself whether or not there is an expectation attached. If there is, see if you can let it go.
8. Forgive Yourself
You are going to make mistakes—a lot of them. You are going to hurt the people you love and you are going to feel terrible about it. This is normal. Apologize when you need to and ask for forgiveness. Then, offer it to yourself.
9. Trust That You Matter
Depression has a way of making you feel like people would be better off without you. This isn’t true. You contribute to the universe in ways you can’t fathom. Believe that, even when it seems impossible.
10. Decide to Live
Make the decision today, and every day, that you will seek and accept whatever help you need to keep on living.
Kelley Clink is the author of A Different Kind of Same (She Writes Press, June 9, 2015) and is a full-time writer with degrees in literature from the University of Alabama and DePaul University. She is the winner of the 2014 Beacon Street Prize in Nonfiction and has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize. She currently lives in Chicago with her husband. Connect with her at KelleyClink.com, at Facebook.com/kelleyclinkauthor or on Twitter @kelley_clink.
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