Hello. I am the lawyer for the lawyer for the lawyer for the president. My name is Doctor Lawyer. Doctor is my first name and please call me Doctor. Dr. Lawyer is my father. Thank you to the members of the fake news for joining me here at this fake press conference about real lies and true facts. I have some prepared remarks and also some things that I shouldn't say but which I am accidentally going to say anyway. I will also be presenting a very different message than the one I am saying through a technique called "non-verbal screaming."
As the lawyer for the lawyer for the lawyer for the president I am constantly on-call, because you never know when the FBI will raid the office of the lawyer above you and you’ll need to step up. It's like when a baseball player is injured and another player is called up from the farm team, except the farm in this case is a rented office in Hoboken in which we launder money and host a weekly games and crafts night. After Michael Cohen, the lawyer for the president, had his offices raided by the FBI, the rest of the line was put on high alert.
We were told not to leave the country. This is actually just good advice for all people in this particular line of work-lawyers for the lawyers for the president. It’s best that we not leave the country because eventually we will all be indicted for something and when they extradite you, they fly you coach. No one wants that.
I’ve been asked to let you know that no one did anything wrong and if they did do something wrong they didn’t know they were doing something wrong and if they did knew they were doing something wrong they were within their rights to do so. So.
I’ve also, ahem, been asked to read you the following statement from further up the chain of lawyers: “Despite what other lawyers who are not representing the president may be claiming, no one has seen the president’s penis. And if they had seen the president’s penis, they would have said ‘Wow.’”
You may think that things look bad, what with the FBI raid and the president going on an unprovoked emotional rant like Tilda Swinton at the end of Michael Clayton, but I ask you, the already decided American public, to withhold judgment.
Trump on raid of Michael Cohen: "It's an attack on our country in a true sense. It's an attack on what we all stand for." pic.twitter.com/6aKs0A5Y3k- Axios (@axios) April 9, 2018
And by withhold judgement, we, the hive mind of presidential legal wrangling, actually mean, please agree with us. After all, we are lawyers, and lawyers for lawyers, also known as grandlawyers. Some of us are great-grandlawyers. We have days of experience between us and we implore you to listen to us when we say that this is a witch hunt, the president is a witch, and we must protect the witch.
Finally, I would like to remind the American public that this is all very normal. Trust me, I am a lawyer for a lawyer for a lawyer; I see this all the time.
Don’t look down on Michael Cohen-whom I must make clear I do not represent, have never met, and wouldn't cross the street to greet. Instead, look at your own life. Not so great, is it? Very poor. Taxes. Pretty sad. I feel bad for you. Are you in need of representation? I am available. I'm in the phone book. Look under Lawyers, subheading: Lawyers for.
Do not be distressed America. This is not a cause for alarm. In fact, I was sent out here with the express directive to communicate to you, both verbally and non-verbally, that there is nothing whatsoever going on in the Trump administration.
Attorney–client privilege is dead!- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 10, 2018
The president is very calm.
A TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!- Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 10, 2018
And America is great. To be honest, who hasn’t had federal agents storm into their place of business in the wee small hours of morning? Certainly not me. In the future, they'll make a game show out of it. They'll call it Surprise Raid and it will be hosted by Anthony Scaramucci. If anyone in Hollywood is looking to develop this series, I am available immediately for consultation. I can leave right now. I will even fly coach.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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