Why Being Rejected From a Sorority Is the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

I always pictured being a part of a sorority would be like the way you see it in the movies: a bunch of best friends who had each other’s backs no matter what. Sorority sisters would be there for you if you were crying over a boy or just wanted to have a movie night with popcorn. You’d feel like you could be yourself.

The thing is, I never pictured myself as a ‘sorority girl.’ I've always been independent and introverted. I can count my best friends on one hand and I’m okay with that. I can rely on them for anything.

But last year, during my sophomore fall, my roommate and I decided to rush a sorority. We thought it would help us meet new people. My school works differently in that only sophomores rush (though it’s common for freshmen to bond with upperclassmen, knowing that when rush comes around, those connections will be vital).

The process works over a somewhat grueling five-day process. The first three days, you go to each sorority to meet the members. I spent hours thinking about what to wear, how my hair should look, and how much makeup I should put on. I tried to make it look like I wasn’t trying too hard, even though I absolutely was.

By the time my roommate and I arrived at the meeting spot on the first day, my hands felt clammy. I probably chewed 50 pieces of gum trying to distract myself from how nervous I was.

As we went through each house, I started opening up. The girls were sweet, friendly, and encouraging. They seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. They wanted to know what subjects I loved and what I was most excited for this year.

By the second day, my worries were almost gone. The vibes could not have been better and I could not wait to have a whole new set of best friends. The party after rush on Wednesday night was one of the best I had been to. My roommate and I danced with the sisters and laughed. We looked at each other at one point and mouthed, we got this.

We were ecstatic.

The next night, ‘pref night,’ when you pick the sorority you want to join, was different. When we arrived at the house, the smiling faces were gone.

"We need a photo of both of you,” a slender blonde with a serious tone said when we walked in. Fluorescent, flickering light revealed every imperfect pore, blemish, and split end. We were ushered to the back of the house. Because my roommate and I were coming from night class, we were late, and already felt uncomfortable (although the sisters had previously insisted that making time for classes was fine).

One of the sisters then told us they were going to break up into groups to talk to each one of us. When I felt a tap on my shoulder, it was two of the girls I was with the night before. They asked me why I wanted to be a part of the sorority.

I stumbled over my words at first, then gave the most honest answer I could. "I give everything to my friendships. I’m always there for my best friends. I always watch out for them and I would do anything for them. I want to be in this because I think I could be that friend to you girls and I admire how close all of you are.”

They seemed satisfied.

But a few questions later, they asked: "Who shouldn't be here?"

I looked around. I barely knew the other girls rushing with me. I certainly couldn’t throw them under the bus. Plus, they all seemed perfectly nice. It wasn't my place to say a name.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have an answer," I said to them. "Honestly, I don't know these girls well enough and that's another reason this would be awesome — to make new friends and get to know them."

I could tell this was not the answer they were looking for me. I didn't know whether or not I ruined my opportunity.

I was interviewed by two more sets of girls who also asked me who should not get into the sorority. I gave the same response each time.

The conversations ended quickly after that.

At the end of the night, exhausted with little energy for anything else, we were told to go back to the dorms and wait with our phones on loud (with no social media). It was a command, not a request.

By 11:30 p.m, my roommate and I heard our suitemate scream excitedly. My stomach dropped. She had been picked. We hadn’t. We didn't get a text, a call, or anything. By 1 a.m., I turned my phone off and got under my sheets.

When I woke up, I went into the bathroom and stared at myself. What was wrong with me? Was I not pretty enough? Too awkward? Not interesting? My roommate confided in me that the sorority sisters had asked her the same exact questions that they had asked me, and she hadn’t given any names either. I spent too many hours wondering why I didn't get in. I questioned everything about myself, the person I was, and whether I was cool or important enough. I felt angry, was embarrassed of showing my face around campus, and I even avoided the social scene.

The process had beaten me down. The sorority had made acceptance more about competition and social status than friendship. In my experience, the rushing process was about impressing the girls to make them want you. It made me feel unworthy, and like there was little I could do to change it. In addition, instead of valuing my honesty, I felt penalized for not saying a name when I was asked.

In the following weeks, I started focusing my energy elsewhere — on what really mattered to me. I have a family and friends who support me no matter what. I also decided to start writing weekly for the newspaper and started my own fitness and health blog, which has turned into a great passion of mine. I started caring less about popularity status.

Then, one day this spring, a girl in my grade asked if I was interested in a new society she had started. She invited me to a Greek formal. I was immediately skeptical, thinking back on the harsh rejection.

But when I met the girls in this society, I had a fantastic time. Instead of feeling pressured to act a certain way, I felt I could be myself. I didn’t have to try hard. I wasn’t nervous.

I ended up joining this society and it has been one of the most positive decisions of my college experience. It’s also much more welcoming and accepting of people who want to be in the group. Everyone comes from different backgrounds, is diverse, and interesting.

I have also found myself striving to be friendly and inclusive to everyone and anyone I meet — regardless of social status. I love meeting new freshmen and telling them about the society I’m in. I don't want them to feel intimidated or pressured by sororities. I want them to know that it is possible to just be yourself.

Although I the society I am in is still technically a part of Greek life, what’s most important to me is that I found a group of friends who genuinely want to spend time with me and love me for who I am. I also have time to pursue my passions outside of the group and don’t feel as though my identity is tied to this one particular group.

My advice: Never question yourself. I still don’t know why I wasn’t accepted to that sorority first semester, but I do know that I stayed true to who I was. Social status meant a lot to me back then, but not enough for me to disrespect someone I barely knew.

I have no hard feelings toward any of the girls in the sorority that I didn't get into. I understand that they can’t accept everyone and if they thought I wasn't a good fit for their group, they were probably right. But never let someone tell you that you’re not good enough or that you don't belong — because you do. Rejection sucks, but it’s a necessary part of self-discovery and of growing up. It helps you learn to love yourself even more.

I wouldn’t go back and change anything. Not getting accepted to that sorority pushed me to explore different avenues.

In my mind, all you can do is be the best person you can be. Everything that has happened has led me to where I am now, which is happy and confident with who I am.

Related: 7 Things to Know About Sorority Rush, From Someone Who’s Been Through It