Trump is in town. Here’s just some of what he’s taught us.
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Former U.S. President Donald Trump arrives for his arraignment at Manhattan Criminal Court on April 04, 2023 in New York City. With the indictment, Trump became the first former U.S. president in history to be charged with a criminal offense. Photo by Michael M. Santiago/Getty Images.
The Republican Party of Minnesota is welcoming Donald Trump to headline their annual Lincoln-Reagan dinner, and I’m disappointed I can’t bring my two young sons — it’s after their bedtime — because he has so much to teach.
I’ve managed to cobble together some Trump life lessons for my boys and figured I’d share them.
Telling the truth is not important. You can make up lies about President Obama not being born in this country, or say Sen. Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the Kennedy assassination, or claim Mexico will pay for your border wall, or lie on financial records, or say windmills cause cancer, or claim you won Minnesota when you obviously didn’t, and none of it matters, because the truth doesn’t matter when it comes to achieving the important goals: money, power, attention, and satisfying your sexual urges.
If you lose, just claim the other team cheated. (This will be welcome news to my hypercompetitive 7-year old.) If you lose the Iowa caucus, say Ted Cruz cheated. If you lose your reelection, claim fraud. No matter how many times you lose in court or how many recounts confirm your losses, just keep saying it, and your fans will go along.
If you don’t know about a subject, fake it by speaking confidently about it. One time Trump was asked about the nuclear triad (missiles, subs, bombers) and he was stumped, but listen to him overpower the questioner with … power: “I think — I think, for me, nuclear is just the power, the devastation is very important to me.” During the pandemic, he soothed us all at a White House briefing: “And then I see the disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute. One minute. And is there a way we can do something like that, by injection inside or almost a cleaning. Because you see it gets in the lungs, and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. So it would be interesting to check that.”
Only suckers pay their bills. “At least 60 lawsuits, along with hundreds of liens, judgments, and other government filings reviewed by the USA TODAY NETWORK, document people who have accused Trump and his businesses of failing to pay them for their work. Among them: a dishwasher in Florida. A glass company in New Jersey. A carpet company. A plumber. Painters. Forty-eight waiters.”
It’s ok to fail — especially if you’re born rich. As Donald Trump has shown more than once, a casino company can actually go bankrupt. Trump failed to make money in other businesses, too: Steaks, vodka, an airline, a pro football team, mortgages. It’s not like anyone has made money in those industries, so it’s clearly not the fault of the Don.
The U.S. Constitution was written to give the president unlimited power. “I have an Article II, where I have to the right to do whatever I want as president.” And of course that includes total immunity from any crimes you might commit as president, including killing your reelection opponent.
American war dead are “losers” and “suckers.” As Jeffrey Goldberg reported in 2020, Trump sought to avoid visiting a famous World War I cemetery both because the rain might upset his hair — so fussy! — and because he saw no reason to honor American veterans: “Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers.” In a separate conversation on the same trip, Trump called the more than 1,800 marines who died at Belleau Wood “suckers” for getting killed.
“When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
Use whatever leverage you have to malign your opponents, including threatening to withhold material support from our allies in Ukraine.
Never do anything unless the person is going to give you something in return. I mean, duh. Trump recently showed this when he told oil company executives that if they raised $1 billion in campaign cash for him he’d push for lower taxes and looser regulations on the industry. That’s the art of the deal right there!
Marital vows: not important.
I’m sure I’ve missed a lot of Trump life rules. Hopefully the fat cats at the GOP dinner will take notes and send them my way.
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