10 ways to stop comparing yourself to others on social media
Do you ever worry about how your body, bank balance or social life compares to the latest Instagram celebrity, or envy your friend who seems to work fewer hours than you, but who can somehow afford exotic holidays every year?
If you worry that your peers’ relationships, waistline or wardrobes always seem better than yours, then you are not alone. Comparisons such as these are common. In fact, we all make them – it’s part of the human condition.
‘We define ourselves as either distinct from or similar to others,’ says chartered psychologist Dr Joan Harvey. ‘It’s part of self-identity and self-image.’
But what happens when these comparisons become constant and start to impact your mental health and self-esteem?
Social media and mental health
In our screen-centric culture, we now have the opportunity to compare and contrast ourselves 24/7. Indeed, for the first time in history, many people do. One OFCOM survey found young people spend more time on social media and electronic devices than they do sleeping.
What’s more, not everybody does it in a way that makes them feel good about themselves. At the 2017 British Psychological Society’s annual conference, Dr Martin Graff, from the University of South Wales, presented the preliminary findings of his study on social media and self-esteem, to reveal a generation of Facebook and Twitter users who select profile pictures based on “like” counts, and who delete posts that fail to elicit sufficient approval.
‘The proliferation of social media use has led to general concerns about the effects on our mental health,’ Graff warns.
It’s something Anxiety UK is all too aware of. In its own survey on social media, over half of participants (51 per cent) said social networking had knocked their self-confidence as they compared their achievements to those of their online friends. Two thirds found it harder to relax or sleep after spending time on a social networking sites and over half admitted to feeling more self-conscious about their body image.
‘Social media allows people to present a filtered sense of reality when it comes to their lives, one that may be far from accurate,’ says Nicky Lidbetter, CEO of Anxiety UK. ‘When people start to compare themselves to what they are seeing on social media, they can find themselves trying to meet unrealistic expectations, leading to increased self-doubt, body image insecurity, feelings of anxiety and lowered self-esteem.’
Social media and self-perception
Dr Elena Touroni, consultant psychologist and co-founder of virtual psychology clinic My Online Therapy, confirms this trend of social media and altered self-perception.
‘When we’re flooded with images on a daily – even hourly – basis, it’s no doubt going to have an influence on both our view of the world and also our self-perception,’ she says. ‘Particularly as the things we like to showcase on social media tend to be the most glorious aspects of life – the version of ourselves that we deem most “perfect”. When we present unrealistic images as real life, the inevitable consequence is that we spur on feelings of inadequacy.’
Of course, social media is not the only contributing factor. ‘Childhood experiences, self-esteem and the extent to which someone places their self-worth on external factors such as appearances play an important role in determining whether someone is vulnerable to issues with self-image,’ explains Touroni.
However, social media dramatically increases our exposure to the images and ideals with which we draw comparisons.
The impact of advertising
Then there’s the impact of the ‘#ad’. Gone are the days when social media was simply a place to “socialise” with online friends or peers.
‘Social media is more than just a place to hang out with friends and followers,’ reveals life coach life coach Rachel Wells. ‘It’s become an advertising channel and pop culture magazine, featuring all the latest trends. Because we are bombarded daily with sponsored ads, photos and posts on our Instagram and Facebook feeds depicting, for example, the “perfect body”, “ideal haircut” and “best clothes”, we’re made to feel that anything short of that is belittling and terrible quality. We beat ourselves over the head, because we can't possibly live up to the “perfect” standards displayed on social media.’
Social media: the reality check
So, how do we stop this potentially damaging culture of comparison? A good starting point is to understand that not everything we see should be taken at face value.
‘Remember that social media is not what it seems,’ says Wells. ‘Because it’s digital and not face-to-face, people can easily pass off an altered look by using filters, photo editors and photoshop, and essentially brag or lie about their lifestyle, since it’s all behind a screen.
'So instead of comparing yourself to that guy with a six-pack who shows up on your Instagram feed, or the girl with the “perfect” facial features, remember that often, they are not real. They have most likely edited and re-edited their pictures hundreds of times to achieve the final shot!
'Remind yourself that they are normal human beings, just like you, who feel the need to make up for their low self-esteem, insecurity, or whatever it is, just like you. Or perhaps they simply wish to be creative and use their imagination to put an artistic effect to their pictures. Whatever the reason, they are no different or better than you. It's all just a digital filter.’
How to step back from social media
If those comparisons just keep on coming, even once you know the images you see on your screen are probably not a good representation of reality, it might be time to think about taking a step back, by setting a limit on the amount of time you spend scrolling each day.
‘Set yourself an hour a day on social media,’ advises Touroni. ‘Whenever we want to change any kind of habitual behaviour, we always have to start with motivation, so make sure you’re clear on the negative consequences of over-indulging on social media.’
By doing this, you’ll free up more of your time to spend focusing own self-worth, by giving your time over to your own creative or personal projects, or to more self-care, away from the screen.
‘The problem with comparing ourselves to someone else’s perceived success, is that it takes our focus and energy away from our own goals and progress,’ reminds Hannah Martin, founder of the Talented Ladies’ Club.
‘We’re all individual people on unique journeys, and you have no idea how someone else achieved their success, what they sacrificed for it, or whether they’re even happy with it,' she adds. 'The only things you really have control over are your own goals and effort. If happiness and success are what you’re striving for, then put your energy and focus into creating your own, and don’t worry about what other people are doing.’
10 ways to stop comparing yourself to others
Check out these great ideas from industry experts on how to stop comparing yourself negatively to others, and instead focus on your own goals, projects and wellbeing:
1.Become aware of your unhealthy habit
As with breaking any habit, awareness is the first step. ‘Being aware that you’re comparing yourself to others is the key to combatting it,’ says Grace Fodor, pro-age activist and founder of Studio 10.
‘We often start comparing ourselves to others without even realising it. Once we become more aware and conscious about doing it, we can then find ways to avoid or stop it happening. Figuring out your triggers that cause this behaviour means you can then put strategies in place to avoid it.’
2. Break the comparison habit
It can be helpful to understand why you’re getting sucked into social media comparison, in order to help step away from it.
‘One of the best ways to break the habit of comparing yourself is to stop and ask yourself why you feel envious,’ says Dr Lynda Shaw, neuroscientist, business psychologist and change specialist.
‘Instead of comparing, note down why you should be grateful for what you have and what you can do to help others, and work to improve what really matters in your own life. Also, remember never to judge a book by its cover – what may seem a carefree, blissful life online could be disguising a life of self-hatred or pain.’
3. Run your own race, at your own pace
Think you’re in competition with other social media users? Think again.
‘Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare?’ asks Martin. ‘Just because someone else appears to be doing better than you right now, doesn’t mean they’ll win the race. It doesn’t even mean you’re in the same race! Everyone moves at their own pace, so just focus on what you need to do to achieve your goals and trust you’ll get there. And let everyone else run their own race.’
4. Replace your scrolling habit
Social media comparison is as much a physical habit as a mental one – you may be clicking on that app every moment of your free time without even really thinking about it, so putting an alternative in place will help.
‘When you feel compelled to reach for your phone, find a healthier alternative, for example, reading a chapter of your book or writing in your journal,’ advises Elena Touroni.
5. Delete apps that are harming your mental health
If you just can’t stick to your new resolution of one hour of scrolling a day, it may be time to remove the temptation altogether.
‘If you make the realisation that engaging in a particular app is causing you anxiety, then deleting it can be beneficial,’ says Touroni. ‘It’s a form of self-care to acknowledge that something is causing you harm and to take action against it.’
6. Perform random acts of kindness
Instead of focusing on yourself, turn your attention to the happiness of others instead.
‘Do random acts of kindness for people, such as opening a door, helping someone out or just smiling at people and saying hello,’ suggests Nick Davies, psychotherapist and hypnotherapist.
7. Celebrate your own successes
Recognise your own achievements – without feeling the need to post about them online.
‘Celebrate your own successes,’ says Dr Diana Gall, GP at Doctor4U. ‘Indulge in your favourite activities, sports and friendships, and be proud of yourself for what you have achieved and what you are good at. Focus on self-development and introspection. The more at peace you feel with yourself, the less you should worry about others’ achievements.’
8. Express gratitude
Numerous studies have shown that expressing gratitude is linked with increased optimism, life satisfaction and overall wellbeing.
‘Try writing a gratitude journal, listing both the small and big things you maybe take for granted that are good in your life, before bed,’ suggests Davies.
9. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention into the present moment, without judgement, and it has been shown to improve self-esteem and wellbeing.
‘Place your alarm clock across the room, so you have to get out of bed to turn it off,’ suggests clinical psychologist and author, Dr Janina Scarlet. ‘As you wake up, place your feet on the ground, allowing yourself to feel grounded and present in the moment. As you turn off the alarm, stay standing. Take a few moments here. Breathe. Notice the calm, peace and any sounds you might be able to hear.
'Set your daily intention, for example, to be more mindful, or to be kinder to yourself, or to be more patient. And practice it. The key here is practice, which means it doesn’t have to be perfect.’
10. Be kinder to yourself
Finally, self-compassion is key if you’re attempting to undo the negative effects of constantly comparing yourself with others.
‘Try noticing any harsh language you might be using toward yourself, recognising that everyone struggles with similar difficulties, and practice supporting yourself through kind words and actions,’ says Dr Scarlet.
Last updated: 26-02-2020
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