Mom: How I Reacted When My Son Started Wearing Skirts at 4 Years Old

Eight-year-old C.J., who identifies as “gender creative,” wearing his favorite skirt. Now that he’s gotten taller, and his skirt shorter, his mother insists on leggings underneath. (Photo: Lori Duron)

Before I had kids, I knew exactly how I was going to parent. Then I had kids and had no idea what to do.

In my blissful state of pre-motherhood oblivion, I told myself that I would raise a daughter to be strong, fierce, intelligent, well-rounded and capable. She’d be a powerhouse, not a princess; a dynamo, not a diva. She’d think beyond pink, beyond feminine, beyond “stereotypical girl.” There would be no early adultification or sexualization of my female child. There would be no short skirts, high heels, long nails, heavy makeup or skimpy tops.

Then, I had two sons and stupidly assumed that I could forget those parenting guidelines.

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When my son C.J. was two-and-a-half, he started playing with Barbies, wearing dresses, obsessing over the Disney Princesses and being the mommy when he played house with his friends. After some internal struggle and much worrying about what his future might hold, my husband and I decided that we’d give C.J. the freedom to explore gender and tell us for himself if he identifies as a boy, girl, both or neither.

Today, C.J. is a vibrant eight-year-old who loves his combination of boy body, girl heart and girl brain. When he’s in public, he typically wears the most effeminate clothes from the “boys’ section” or the most masculine clothes from the “girls’ section.” Once in the safety of our home, he breathes a sigh of relief and can be found doing cartwheels in miniskirts while wearing pumps that sparkle and smelling of the Chanel Coco perfume he won in a fundraising raffle.

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In letting him explore gender, my husband and I may have gotten too liberal and unrestrictive. I forgot to set the same boundaries for my feminine son that I would have set for a female child — especially when it comes to clothing, accessories and outward appearance.

“He probably shouldn’t wear that skirt outside or while jumping on the trampoline. It’s really, really short on him now,” my brother told me one day.

“C.J. is better at running in heels than Sarah Jessica Parker, but are you sure it’s a good idea that he wear those things while playing in the yard and running on the sidewalk and riding his scooter? I mean, there is a time and place…” a male friend from high school said cautiously.

“I don’t let my girls wear those long press-on nails,” a mom-friend of three daughters said. “It just doesn’t feel appropriate. They are children; I want them to have their hands and fingers ready to explore. Those nails just feel too grown up and not okay with me,”

My family and friends made me realize that I wasn’t parenting fairly, because I wasn’t parenting my son how I would parent a daughter. Since my son expresses himself as a girl, I largely need to guide him as I would a female child.

If I had a daughter, denim miniskirts wouldn’t be allowed unless they were atop a pair of leggings or tights. The long press-on nails would be a special treat, not a regular accessory. The high heels would be worn on occasion, not for regular outdoor play.

So, why have I let my son do and wear things I wouldn’t let a daughter do or wear? Because I never want him to feel shame about his gender expression.

Strangers have plenty to say about how my son looks, what he likes and how he expresses himself, so I want home to be the absolute safest, shame-free place for him. I hadn’t told him that his skirt was too short, his heels too high and his nails too long because I was afraid he would think I was saying I wasn’t okay with him wearing skirts, heels and fancy nails. My fear kept me from setting boundaries and taking advantage of teachable moments.

The truth is, the rules still apply. There have to be boundaries and limits. And, the best way to raise my unique child is to honor his authenticity, but not allow it to create unnecessary problems.

I talked to my friend and fellow blogger Kelly Byrom about this unique parenting problem. She is raising a gender-nonconforming son she calls Twirl and a girl she calls Firecracker.

“Do you ever have trouble telling Twirl he can’t wear certain things because you don’t want him to think it’s about shame over his gender creativeness?” I asked her.

“This is an area where we probably over explain,” she told me. “We always make sure he knows the reason why we’re saying no to something, because I’m always worried that he’ll think there’s something wrong with what he is doing. When something is in question we always ask ourselves ‘would we let his sister do or wear that?’ If the answer is no for her, it’s no for him. We explain that the same rules apply to his sister, so it’s not about gender.”

Karrie Walters, a counseling psychologist, said the same thing. “There is a time to play pretend and dress up (whether it’s putting on a cowboy hat or high heels) and there is a time to get on with the rest of our day,” she said. “For our gender fluid, dress-wearing son, this often means taking off the mini skirt and high heels, putting on ‘normal clothes’ and getting in the car to go grocery shopping. I think we can be supportive and hold these limits at the same time without any shame attached.”

Recently, I updated C.J.’s wardrobe and dress-up bin with clothing and accessories that feel more age appropriate to my husband and me, and that we would let a daughter wear. We did so carefully, without placing shame, and we’ve been working to make sure our son is as strong, fierce, intelligent, well-rounded and capable as we would want a daughter to be.

Since the update, C.J. has been busy pulling fabulous looks from his new wardrobe and savoring every spritz of his coveted Chanel Coco perfume. So while he has a fresh look, he still smells like himself.

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