My Niece Cut Off Our Whole Family With No Warning. I’m Determined to Find Out Why.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Do you have advice on handling it when you’re “collateral damage” in someone else’s estrangement? My niece, “Gwen,” recently cut off all contact with her parents, my brother, and his wife, “Lily”. I need to say here that there has always been something really strange about Lily. She has a nasty sense of humor and hair-trigger temper, and sometimes comes out with disturbingly violent comments out of nowhere (e.g. a baby was crying near us at a restaurant recently, and Lily commented in a calm tone, smiling, “I’d like to pour my coffee on that thing’s shrieking face if it gets brought any nearer”). She’s never actually done anything violent that I know of, but almost the whole family finds her unnerving. Gwen clearly agrees. Once, my brother and I were with her and her cousins, when someone started labeling people in the family as “most likely to… whatever”, e.g. “most likely to start a band”, “most likely future billionaire” etc. One nephew commented, “Aunt Lily is most likely a future murderer!” A few people laughed, and Gwen said, “I want you all to remember that if I ever go missing.” Her dad just laughed. I found it disturbing, but again, nothing has ever actually happened—there hasn’t been any violence.

Now, Gwen has turned 18 and moved out, changing her number and sharing her address with no one. It seemed to happen overnight last September and her parents haven’t seen her since. She unfriended all her cousins on social media and has responded to no one’s efforts to reach out. The thing is, I happened to run into her in another city, completely by coincidence. She seemed horrified and only responded to my questions with, “I’m not in touch with family anymore,” before practically running away.

I am deeply hurt! We seemed close right up until she vanished from the family, and I love her dearly. I’m child-free by choice but often did stereotypical “mother-daughter” things with Gwen—she even got me Mother’s Day cards and gifts because her mom hates that stuff. I honestly don’t understand why she feels the need to cut off me and everyone else just because she’s no longer speaking to her parents (who claim not to know why she’s gone no-contact, but we’re all suspicious of that). Based on where I met her, I think I know where she’s in college now and could possibly track her down to make contact again. But should I? I badly want some answers and would love to know if we can be in contact again, but my husband thinks she won’t want contact with anyone who still regularly sees her mother. Any advice on this bizarre and upsetting situation would be appreciated.

—No One Even Knows What Happened

Dear No One Even Knows,

I know you’re hurt and you have questions. You’re bursting with curiosity. Those feelings are real, but they are unimportant compared to Gwen’s safety. Whatever happened with her family, it must have been deeply upsetting for her to go completely no-contact while still in college, a time when many people are still financially and emotionally dependent on their parents—it can’t be easy for her, even now, to be essentially on her own in the world at 18. I don’t think she would have made that choice unless she felt she had to. All her actions, including her cutting off extended family because they might be in contact with her parents, point to how upset and unsafe she must have felt at the time—and now she is probably terrified that you’ll contact her parents. (Don’t.)

You mentioned that no violence had ever occurred. But honestly, you have no way of knowing that. People are very good at hiding abuse of all kinds. Obviously I don’t know what happened, either, but it seems safe to assume that it was serious. If Gwen was mistreated or abused in some way, if she is scared of one or both of her parents finding her, it absolutely makes sense for her not to trust or risk being in contact with anyone who regularly sees and talks with her abuser(s). And while of course you’re allowed to be hurt and miss your niece, I think you need to try to process those feelings without expecting her to apologize or explain herself to you. Your feelings can’t become her burden, especially if she is just trying to protect herself.

I realize this is all very disturbing, but you need to err on the side of your niece’s wellbeing. She’s clearly been hurt; you don’t need to know the particulars to understand that. Again, I just don’t think she would take the drastic step of separating herself from her entire family—right out of high school!—unless she felt her safety depended on it in some way. Mourn your former closeness if you need to, but try to respect the boundaries your niece has obviously gone to great pains to establish. She knows where you are. If she wants to reach out to you and feels safe doing so, she will, and at that point you can do everything in your power to support her.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a theatrical comedian of a 3-year-old. She’s a ham with family and close friends, but due to a combo of being a pandemic baby, being cared for by a nanny, and having an outgoing older sister, she’s quite anxious around people she doesn’t know. This doesn’t bother us, but when people try to engage her, she won’t respond. Also not an issue, but I always feel the need to basically say “she’s not going to talk to you.” I usually answer for her, but is there something else I can say to explain that my 3-year-old is not going to talk and it’s fine? I hate labeling her as shy and don’t want to push her to engage; rather I don’t want people to feel bad that she won’t respond.

—She’s Not Going to Talk to You

Dear Talk to You,

It’s good that you’re not pushing your child to respond differently, and that you’re making sure she has space to meet and respond (or not respond) to new people as she chooses. If you want to keep avoiding the label of “shy,” the explanation you’re giving, or anything else along the lines of “she doesn’t usually talk to new people,” is fine. But I also don’t think you have to say anything at all? You don’t owe strangers an explanation, nor is it your responsibility to manage their reactions to your daughter’s social anxiety. And I think it’s a very fragile adult indeed who gets offended by a 3-year-old’s shyness.

Your child’s anxiety may lessen or change as she gets older; it might not. If it ever starts seriously interfering with her daily life, obviously you can reassess. Either way, you know she’s not being rude when she’s quiet. I definitely understand the urge to explain, but I don’t think you always need to answer in her place—and there’s a chance that doing so indefinitely could also make it a little harder for her to speak for herself if and when she wants to. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, but maybe think about who those brief explanations are really for, and give yourself permission to let them go if you don’t think they help your daughter.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’ve been with my husband for seven years (three married). In that time, my SIL and I have never really gotten close, but are friendly with each other, mostly due to lack of opportunities to interact with each other, but she recently moved back to the area we live in. She also just got engaged and asked me to be her matron of honor, as the entire wedding party will be made up of their siblings/their spouses, and she knows me a bit better than any of his sisters. She said she thought it would be a nice way for us to get to know each other better and bond more, which I appreciate.

The issue is that my husband (who they also want in the wedding party) and I will have a 13-month-old and a 2-year-old at the time of their wedding, who they want to also be there. They have also indicated wanting to have a big 3-to-5 day trip as a bachelor/bachelorette party a few weeks before and many other events for the wedding party in the days leading up to the wedding. I just don’t see how my husband and I can possibly be in the wedding, involved in all these events, and take care of our children. The timing of the event and distance/cost of the location rules out bringing a babysitter with us. While we don’t have a deep connection, I do know that my SIL can hold a grudge, and saying no to being her matron of honor or saying yes but trying to not participate in everything will certainly kill any friendliness there currently is between us. My in-laws have also said how nice they think it is that she asked me and said they’ll help with the kids some, but it is neither realistic nor fair to expect them to watch our children the amount that will be needed during their own daughter’s wedding.

How do I say no to this without completely killing the family connection? When she asked, it was on a group FaceTime announcing their engagement and she pretty much immediately moved onto something else, so in the chaos I didn’t have to give an answer in the moment, but she definitely thinks I am her matron of honor. I love planning/organizing and I’d be happy to throw/host her shower and help with other things along the way, but I know I can’t be a member of her wedding party at the level she expects.

—Just Want to Be a Guest

Dear Be a Guest,

First, you and your husband need to discuss and decide, together, what you can manage when it comes to this wedding. You’ve both been asked to be in the wedding party and you’re both responsible for caring for your children, so you should be in agreement about whatever you commit to. Maybe you decide to throw your sister-in-law a shower. Maybe both of you can still be in the wedding party, but one or both of you misses the bachelor/ette trip(s). Maybe you prioritize just one of you being in the wedding party, and that person goes on all the trips while the other person focuses on childcare. I’m not endorsing any of these plans, just making up possible scenarios; my point is that you two need to talk and figure out what will actually work for you. Then you can present that to his sister. Tell her that you truly appreciate her asking you to be in her wedding and you want to be as involved as possible, but you can’t make it work for both of you to travel to or participate in every single pre-wedding event, because you have a baby and a toddler and you just can’t swing a week (or more) of childcare in addition to wedding-related expenses.

At that point, your sister-in-law has a choice to make: Accept your offer to do what is possible for you to do, or replace you in the wedding party. No reasonable person should expect you to do the impossible. Now, your sister-in-law or others in your family might be unreasonable, which would definitely make things awkward and uncomfortable for you. But you wouldn’t be the one “killing the family connection”—there is no deep or genuine connection at all if they decide to hold a grudge when you’re genuinely trying your best. The ensuing fallout would suck, a lot, but the fault would lie with them. I know it feels like you are responsible for making everybody happy, but you’re not. In the end, you can only do what you can do, and it’s up to them to accept it or not.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother is someone who always knows best, even when she has absolutely no experience in what she’s talking about. (For example, she gave me tips on c-section recovery as I prepared for my second c-section when she had six vaginal deliveries and absolutely no other experience in the realm of childbirth/recovery.) This was something I could mostly laugh off—until I had kids and the “suggestions” (read as criticisms) became nearly nonstop and far too personal. The final straw for me was when she told me what a mistake it was to send my kids to daycare fulltime and how difficult it was going to be for them the night before my kids were scheduled to start after me being a SAHM for three years. I told her that she is supposed to be a part of my support system, and that going forward if she can’t say anything positive in regard to my parenting, I’d prefer to hear nothing. I chose not to see her for two months after that. Since then, we’ve done limited visits with very superficial conversation.

Recently, she texted me that she’s very hurt that I spoke to her so harshly and that she has always just wanted to offer help and advice where she sees it to be useful. She mentioned that she has done the same with all my siblings (I’m the youngest of six), and none of them have been so sensitive and offended as me. I didn’t respond, partly because I didn’t think it was a conversation for text, but I’d like to address it the next time I see her in two weeks. The thing is, she is exactly like this with all of my siblings too, but every one of them has taken it relatively quietly because they had a strong need for at least some amount of regular (and “free”) childcare from her and live near her. I, on the other hand, have a great and reliable daycare I can afford, the ability to work remotely or take time off easily for sick days and live about two hours from her. Part of me really wants to tell her that my siblings have never actually appreciated her input, they were just in a tough enough situation that they had to take it, while I don’t, so I won’t. But I also recognize that’s really throwing all my siblings (who I like and have good relationships with!) under the bus. Can I deliver this satisfying piece of truth to her, or do I need to take the high road and just focus on me and how her interactions make me feel?

—She’s Mom/Grandma, Not the Babysitter

Dear She’s Mom/Grandma,

I don’t think it’s your place to speak for your siblings, use their feelings as leverage when arguing with your mother, or interfere in their relationships with her. If your siblings wanted to confront her and let her know how annoyed they are by her unsolicited advice, they would do so. They live nearby and see her more often; they have their own negotiations to make as far as what they can live with. Assume that they have their reasons for maintaining the kind of relationship they have with her, and don’t go repeating things they’ve said about your mother to her.

I get that it’s hard to be the only one challenging her aloud, but right now, that’s the situation. It might not always be the case. If you think your siblings should be blunter with your mother, that’s something to try to tell them, not do on their behalf. If they ever ask you to get more directly involved or help them figure out how to draw a boundary or stick up to her, then go ahead. In the meantime, have your relationship with your mother on terms you can live with, and let your siblings figure out their own.

—Nicole

Is there such a thing as taking too many pictures of your kids? My husband, who is a great father, is really fanatical about taking photos of our only child, a 3-year-old girl. He takes pictures of her CONSTANTLY. He thinks it’s important to document every day, so he’ll take a minimum of 10 photos daily, along with a few short videos. That’s just on an average day. If anything remotely interesting happens—a new toy, an outing, a new skill—he’ll take dozens of photos and 10–20 minutes of video. He has videos of her singing every song she knows, every word she tries to say