A Dad Is Spreading Rumors About My Son’s “Inappropriate Touching.” Enough!

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My son “Jimmy,” who is in third grade, recently got called to the principal’s office following a complaint by his classmate “Ben’s” parent that he grabbed Ben’s private parts while playing. Ben regularly plays with Jimmy, and I’m close with Ben’s mom. While Jimmy feels bad for his behavior, he says it is quite common among his friends and he didn’t do it to hurt Ben. His dad and I are personally horrified by this and have talked to him about boundaries. I apologized to Ben’s mom for Jimmy’s behavior. Recently, while dropping off Jimmy at school, my husband overheard Ben’s father talk about this incident to another parent. I am worried that this is getting out of hand, and that other parents will begin restricting their kids from playing with Jimmy—both at school and outside. Should I do some damage control or just wait this out?

—Concerned About Being Cast Away

Dear Cast Away,

I wish I knew the dynamics better here. You say you’re close to Ben’s mom, but that Ben’s parent called the principal about Jimmy’s behavior rather than call you. Are Ben’s parents divorced and the dad was the one who went to the principal, or was Ben’s mom aware of and participatory in the report? I ask because I think the most straightforward solution is to call Ben’s mom and ask her if she can clarify what your husband overheard. Maybe Ben’s dad was telling tales, but maybe he was making a larger point about the idiocy of this “game” the kids are playing—very different conversations. I would hope, if you’re close, that Ben’s mom would be willing to be candid with you.

If it’s the latter, just wait it out. The story will go around the class but likely with limited impact on Jimmy. If, however, Ben’s dad is indeed airing some grievances, then I think you act. Tell Ben’s mom that you fear that Jimmy might get black-listed for a mistake he didn’t fully understand, and appeal to her better angels for help cooling the narrative, if needed. Meanwhile, grab another mom or two that you’re close to and have a one-on-one convo with them about the misunderstanding. Tread lightly, and don’t throw Ben’s parents under the bus.

I might be naïve, but I doubt Jimmy will face major repercussions for this. These kids are still young and learning boundaries; a reasonable parent will understand that fact (just as the school did). Wait this one out. Most likely this will blow over.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I was incredibly fortunate to meet a group of moms while we were all pregnant with our oldest children. A couple of us are stay-at-home moms and able to meet up during the week for play dates. We’ve noticed that one of the children is becoming aggressive and mischievously acting up when they don’t think we’re looking, specifically taking it out on one child more than the others. These actions are typically met with a simple timeout and no true explanation of why. My concern is that by continuing to choose to have my children play with this child they will think it’s appropriate to choose these types of friends in the future. When we leave play dates, we discuss the appropriate and inappropriate behavior of our friends and how we prefer to be treated and treat others. My young children still choose to go to these activities and specifically play with this child, although another child in the group who is mainly targeted has said they no longer want to play with this “bully.” I’d love to keep our play group together but I’m unsure it’s a healthy decision and I’m not sure how to or if I should be handling things differently.

I’d like to add we do believe this child has a sensory-seeking personality and it may be causing him to be a bit rougher, we also think rough housing is something they play at home and may not be appropriate for a 4-year-old.

—Mamma Who NEEDS Playdates

Dear Playdates,

Who is “we” in your last paragraph? It’s fine if you and another mom are having a sidebar about little [Timmy’s] behavior, charting the new-to-you world of parenting, but I hope you aren’t getting into a bit of a “mean girl” habit of having a whole separate group chat for everyone but Timmy’s mom. That’s not cool and needs to be nipped in the bud if it is happening.

Let’s talk about Timmy. Depending on the specific activities, roughhousing is absolutely appropriate behavior for a 4-year-old, and is actually one of the ways that kids figure out how to modulate themselves. It does get tricky for sensory-seeking kids, where the need for sensory input can drown out the signals they’re getting from their peers and grownups, but that’s not necessarily a reason to stop playing altogether. If you truly suspect there is sensory-seeking behavior here, you might try to choose activities for the group where Timmy’s sensory needs can be met in other ways than physical contact with the other kids. Swings and jungle gyms, rolling down hills, bumper cars, hand-eye coordination, and more can be helpful sensory activities—plus they are fun for all kids and don’t require you (or me) to armchair-diagnose anyone.

Now let’s talk about the group. Friendships ebb and flow, and adult groups rarely share the same stalwart closeness that the cliques of our youths did. Maybe the one mom comes to the playdates less frequently because she and her child are uncomfortable with Timmy’s behavior. It doesn’t mean the playdates must end altogether. Your children still like playing with Timmy, so let them continue to, even if another mom opts out. I highly doubt that it will have any adverse effect on who your kid seeks out for a friend in the future (as if us parents really have control over that, anyway). I’d also point out that, even though he might be difficult, Timmy deserves friends, and his mom does, too. Don’t be the mom that has a litmus test for your family’s friendships. Be the mom who models patience and grace, and teach your child the same, alongside boundaries and behavior.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My kindergartener loves school. When I come to pick her up she’ll excitedly tell me about her day, all the things she did in class. She loves her teacher, she loves her friends, and she loves all the activities she does. She’s so proud of herself when she does something well, and her teacher only has lovely things to say about her.

However, every morning she forgets that she loves school. Our morning routine to get her out the door is challenging. It’s a similar routine every day punctuated by whining or tears about how much she hates school. On weekends or holidays, she’s in a great mood. This started about a month ago. I think the only major changes around that time was that she started wearing glasses and she turned 6. No amount of reminding her how she’s going to see her friends or that she’s going to do fun stuff will help. I haven’t been able to find any reason why she hates it, she won’t tell me other than that she hates school and doesn’t want to go. Her teacher says she very rarely sees my daughter upset, even in the morning. Is there anything I should do here? Or is this just a phase that all kids go through?

—Morning Routine Without Tears

Dear Morning,

Is it possible that she would simply rather stay home? Put another way, maybe it’s not something negative about school, but something positive about home, that is making her hesitant to leave. My youngest sometimes gets in a funk when he learns he can’t have screens or play with his current favorite toy—school becomes the enemy those mornings, and it has nothing to do with how much he enjoys himself there. If this is the case, it might just be something you have to grin and bear for a while.

Have you ever talked to her about this phenomenon after school, when she’s in a great mood? Maybe she’d have more luck communicating at that point. You could ask her to write, name, or draw the three things she likes the best about school, and the three she likes the least. Ask her to do the same for days off. It might uncover some clues.

Have you noticed anything else about her behavior that gives you pause? It’s possible there could be an underlying condition, like anxiety, at play. If you do have curiosities or concerns about her behavior overall, make an appointment with a neuropsychologist who can give you a professional opinion and, if warranted, a diagnosis. Otherwise, stay the course and see if the behavior continues through this year and repeats itself in the fall. Hopefully, this is truly just a phase.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My daughter “Pippa” is 8 years old. About two months ago, a new classmate, ”Kyle,” joined her class. Pippa complained a lot about Kyle from the start. But her complaints started to sound extreme and I wound up speaking to her teacher about it. The teacher is a first-year teacher and doesn’t seem to have any tools to handle the situation. She said Kyle hits, grabs others, throws chairs, and on one memorable occasion, tried to strangle his para with her school lanyard. At this point, the kids regularly evacuate the classroom and wait in the hallway for Kyle to calm down when he gets upset. The teacher seems to have basically given up on the situation and is walking on eggshells around Kyle.

Pippa talks about being scared at school and I’m worried for her safety and also her learning opportunities. The parents of her classmates are just as worried about their kids. I’ve spoken with the principal, who pushed a bunch of meaningless stuff about inclusion, and free appropriate public education (FAPE) requirements, without ever addressing the safety issue. Inclusion is great—if safety isn’t at risk! What more can I do here to keep my daughter safe? Other parents have spoken to Kyle’s mom but said she denies his problems and seemed to be struggling to juggle Kyle with her other kids.

The way they approached her felt like bullying to me, and I stayed out of it. But right now, no one’s safe and no one’s learning. Pippa’s going to be in school until June. This can’t continue, but what steps can we take that aren’t pulling Pippa out of school (we don’t have child care!) or joining the other parents who are being pretty nasty to Kyle’s mom? To make this whole thing stickier, Kyle and his family are Black while the majority of the school is white. My wife and I have no idea what to do and it feels like the principal is dropping the ball. Do we go to the superintendent? If so, how do we do it so our message is clear and not muddied by what the other parents have been doing and saying?

—This Isn’t Working

Dear Working,

I took the liberty of running your letter by a teacher friend of mine. Her gut said that the school may be trying to advocate but getting nowhere, and more voices—especially from parents—can help. Her advice was to elevate this to the district as well as the school board and emphasize the fact that the current situation is serving no one—not Pippa and her classmates and certainly not Kyle. She suggested taking data on the frequency and severity of behaviors that Pippa reports, not as a “gotcha” but as a way to underscore the seriousness of the situation. It’s very possible that the school is also gathering its own evidence to seek an alternative placement for Kyle, but that’s not something they’ll disclose to you.

Meanwhile, you can speak to the school social worker if you feel that Pippa and the other kids might need some help feeling safe in class. This, again, is a way to let the school and district admin know that there are consequences for what is happening in the class.

In all of this, do not make this personal about Kyle (he is a kid who desperately needs help and isn’t getting it), and certainly follow your gut and don’t align yourself with those other moms. You have no idea what Kyle’s mom is facing at home and what supports she may or may not have and making her feel more alone or isolated isn’t going to do anyone any favors. Good luck!

—Allison

I’m a single mother of a wonderfully smart, engaged, thoughtful 11-year-old boy. His father sees him about once every six weeks and for all school breaks but lives 4½ hours away. I’m a nurse at a busy hospital and work 12-hour overnight shifts, and my parents watch my son while I’m at work. This has been the arrangement since I finished nursing school when he was 7 (his dad and I split when he was 1), but over the past year he has become very clingy.