In interview with Christian Broadcast Network, DeSantis sees himself back in time of Jesus

Editor's note: this story was originally published in June 2023.

During an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, bless his heart, said he would have liked to have been Jesus’ 13th Apostle.

I’ll admit, that wasn’t on my DeSantis campaign Bingo card.

Don’t get me wrong, it was completely on brand for the Vengeful Angel of Dunedin to sit down for a friendly interview with the network that turned homophobia into an art form.

CBN’s Pat Robertson, even warned once on the air that Floridians should be extra careful not to wave their gay pride flags during hurricane season.

“You’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you,” Robertson had warned. “It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.”

So, yes, the hard-wired bigotry at the Christian Broadcasting Network is a safe space for DeSantis, an alleged tough guy who seems to be especially needy for safe spaces. But even so, who could have predicted this word salad from him, as an answer to a question about what historical figure would he like to have dinner with?

“Could I have been there with Jesus’ disciples?” DeSantis asks.

I'm guessing that if this were an NRA interview, DeSantis would have said "Wyatt Earp." But being that he was pandering to evangelicals, he went straight to Jesus' inner circle.

DeSantis, whose governing philosophy is closer to Genghis Khan than Jesus Christ, was just getting warmed up in this extended stab at time-travel piety.

“I mean. these are people who, you know, Peter is just fishing one day and all of a sudden this guy comes up to him, catches all the fish and says, ‘You know, you’re going to be a fisher. I want you to be a fisher of men, come with me,'” DeSantis said.

“And so these guys all went out and they dedicated their life to spreading the Gospel and they all were killed for, you know, they tried to kill John," DeSantis said. "John ended up, you know, being able to survive, but I mean, the intent was to put him to death, too.

"And you know, to talk about what that was like, you know, talk about what their, what their impressions are,” DeSantis continued. “I look back at that and would love to have been able to be there with them.”

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The not-so-subtle subtext of this is that saintly people are persecuted — which may be a defensive projection on his own campaign as it plummets like one of Pat Robertson’s imaginary meteors.

But, hey, let’s play along.

I know. It’s hard to envision DeSantis traipsing through the desert with Jesus and his Apostles. Jesus was a mingler, and DeSantis, well, he just signed the state budget in the sterile, leper-free environment of a private yacht club.

But it would be bracing to imagine DeSantis putting his stamp on Christianity during its embryonic stages. So, here’s what the 13th Apostle Ron DeSantis would be offering as corrections and refinements to the teachings of Jesus.

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Gospel according to Jesus: “When you give a lunch or a dinner, don’t invite only your friends, brothers, relatives, and rich neighbors … Instead, when you give a feast, invite the poor, the crippled, and the blind. Then you will have great blessings, because these people cannot pay you back.”

Gospel according to DeSantis: Bring forth ye hedge fund masters, ye men of Musk, ye bundlers of Boca, and ye manger moguls for a lunch or dinner. Then they will give you $6,600-per-plate blessings which will allow you to continue shortchanging the poor, the crippled and the blind by refusing to use available federal dollars to expand Medicaid.

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Gospel according to Jesus: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another."

Gospel according to DeSantis: But this commandment shall have a cutout for diversity, equality, or inclusion of others.

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Gospel according to Jesus: No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

Gospel according to DeSantis: Under me, Nazareth is where socialism comes to die!

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Gospel according to Jesus: Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Gospel according to DeSantis: But if those little children come uninvited, let’s make their lives miserable by rounding them up, and shipping them elsewhere to complicate their asylum claims.

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Gospell according to Jesus: But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Gospel according to DeSantis: But seek ye not the Magic Kingdom, for Disney World's wokeness spreads too much love, and must be felled by the righteousness of state-controlled monorail inspections.

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Gospel according to Jesus: Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Gospel according to DeSantis: But I sayeth, let’s still ban books from schools and threaten to send school librarians to jail for not conforming to the wishes of one parent.

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Gospel according to Jesus: Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Gospel according to DeSantis: Don’t tread on Bethlehem!

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Gospel according to Jesus: Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord … The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Gospel according to DeSantis: And if that doesn’t work, I’ve got loads of oxychloroquine.

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Gospel according to Jesus: Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Gospel according to DeSantis: I am sending 100 volunteer camel patrol units to the border.

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis sees himself as Jesus Christ's Apostle