What gives teeth the right to be so dramatic?
There were certain aspects of parenthood I anticipated when I began my motherhood journey over a decade ago — changing diapers, preparing chicken nuggets, reading lots of board books and so on.
There were other parts of parenting I was not quite so prepared for — like spending hours looking for a missing shoe that would be found months later wedged under the passenger seat of the car. Fielding lots of very specific opinions on chicken nugget brands. Pretending to know what Minecraft is.
But the aspect of parenthood that has taken me by complete surprise is the amount of time, money and emotional energy I spend thinking about teeth.
It hasn’t always been this way. In fact, this is a relatively recent development, and one that seemed to pop up overnight.
We went from seeing our pediatric dentist “once every six months” — which has actually been more like once every nine months since I have to reschedule each appointment 23 times — to visiting the orthodontist office pretty much every other day now that my eldest child has come of orthodontia age. And just last week, at our pediatric dentist appointment — to which we were significantly late because pulling three kids out of three different schools takes way longer than you might think — I was informed that my middle child has a cross bite and will need braces sooner than later.
I think this might be dental karma coming around to finally get me. By some genetic miracle, my kids have avoided any cavities up to this point. To absolutely no credit of mine. When the dental hygienist asked my 5-year-old if he brushes his teeth every day, he responded “Not every day” as though that was simply too big a burden to bear. And when she asked him if he flossed, he said, “What’s floss?”
So really it was only a matter of time before I had to pay my child dental issue dues.
But it’s not just my kids’ teeth that are in need of bracing. I, too, am getting orthodontia, because as it turns out, the human mouth gets worse with age. And, as it turns out, it is possible to take care of your teeth too aggressively, which in my case has meant very thorough brushing has destroyed my gums. A periodontist used the phrase “severe recession” more than once while examining my mouth and then described the process to fix my depleted gumline. The description, which me weak in the knees, included the words “pig gums” and “cadavers.”
“But orthodontia might fix it!” she said brightly.
So here we are. I’m currently making two three-digit monthly payments for two different sets of braces for at least 14 months and I’m staring down the barrel at a third monthly three-digit payment for another 14 months. And that’s after insurance.
I guess I’d just like to know what gives teeth the right to be so dramatic.
No other parts in my body or my children’s bodies have ever given me this much trouble. And we’ve had bone trouble. My daughter broke her leg when she was four. She got a bright pink cast that she wore all summer and wore down to one layer from using it to propel her scooter, and she cried when the doctor removed the cast because she loved it so much. And that was it. Her leg was fixed.
When my son was two, he slammed a door shut and snapped the tip of his pinky finger off. It was traumatic and gross and we spent all day in the hospital but they sewed it back on and now it’s as good as new.
Those body parts didn’t require 14 months worth of braces and triple-digit payments and office visits every other day. They just figured out how to fix themselves. Why can’t teeth do the same?
Until science figures out how to keep teeth from being such drama queens the very least we can do is add a chapter to parenting books about the savings account parents should start for their kids’ (and their own) orthodontia. Right after the chapter on chicken nuggets.
