Gerth: Want to fix the Republican crime bill? Let them eat bread!
The crime bill that’s sitting in the Kentucky House now, waiting for the Republicans there to decide if they’ll accept changes made by the state Senate, is a really bad bill.
Just ask Senate Judiciary Chairman Whitney Westerfield, who says the bill’s “three strikes and you’re out” provision isn’t rooted in data, that rising crime rates aren’t the problem his Republican brethren claim they are, and another section of the bill goes too far in criminalizing homelessness.
He would have stricken numerous provisions if he had the votes.
But if Republicans in the Kentucky General Assembly want to make the bill better, I have an idea. At least I know how to fix the “three strikes” provision.
Crazy Bread.
I know what you’re thinking.
What does that wonderful, garlicky treat of parmesan cheese encrusted bread soaked in butter that you’ll find at your local Little Caesars have to do with this?
If you’ll recall, Crazy Bread was Senate President Robert Stivers’ answer to the problem we faced when people weren’t getting vaccinated fast enough back in 2021 after the COVID-19 jab came out — as if the threat of dying a horrible death with your lungs full of goo wasn’t reason enough.
But hey, if the deadly goo wasn’t enough to convince you, deadly goo AND Crazy Bread …. How could people say “no?”
The “three strikes” provision in the bill would lock people away for the rest of their lives if they are convicted of a third violent offense.
The problem is this — three strikes laws don't work. They were all the rage a couple of decades ago and study after study found they didn’t impact the crime rate. On top of that, one study found that they may have made criminals more likely to try and kill police officers rather than get captured and get locked away forever.
Add to that the fact that the Legislative Research Commission couldn’t figure out how much it would cost year after year after year to house these prisoners — most of whom would become less deadly as the infirmities of old age set in — would cost. But it would be astronomical over time.
It costs $853,589 to house one felon for 20 years, according to the LRC.
So here’s the plan.
For hardened felons, you offer them a free order of Crazy Bread a day as long as they stay clean. That would come to just $36,354 over 20 years — give or take a little for leap years.
The program could even have a catchy slogan. “If you can’t do the thyme, don’t do the crime.”
I know. I know.
Crazy Bread doesn’t have thyme in it.
But what if it did?
Martha Stewart, who knows a thing or two about cooking AND being in the pokey, says dried thyme is “one of garlic and lemon's best friends.” (Note to Little Caesars: If you add thyme or other tasty herbs like oregano to your Crazy Bread, I won’t charge you a commission. This is my gift to you.)
Or, perhaps, call it “three strikes and you’re stout,” because an order of Crazy Bread a day would definitely cause significant weight gain in our criminal class.
Now I know what you’re saying.
“Joe, this can’t possibly work. Crazy Bread for life isn’t going to stop people from committing violent crimes.”
I know. I know.
And you’re right.
People who are fueled by drugs or intense and unrelenting rage aren’t going to stop and think, “Wow, if I clock this guy in the head, I’m not going to get free Crazy Bread.”
Of course not.
But it’s got as much chance of working as the “three strikes” provision (or Stivers’ free Crazy Bread for a jab plan) and would cost just 1/23rds what locking up people for life without giving them a chance at parole would cost.
And it would put something in their bellies when they’re released from prison and can’t find people who will hire them.
So, there’s that.
I haven’t talked to Stivers about this, but I suspect the guy who thought Crazy Bread would solve a pandemic would be with me on this simple, yet tasty answer to our problems.
Bada bing, bada boom.
Joseph Gerth can be reached at 502-582-4702 or by email at jgerth@courierjournal.com.
This article originally appeared on Louisville Courier Journal: To fix the Kentucky GOP 3 strikes crime bill, let them eat Crazy Bread
