The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit— The Dad (@thedad) August 5, 2018
[in car]
Husband: Why’s this guy in the minivan driving like a maniac?
9yo: Why’s Dad talking about himself in the 3rd person?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 6, 2018
*observing my daughter in preschool*
Me: Ok, but how do you get her to just sit there and listen?
Teacher: We practice patience and teach them to do the same.
Me: Right, right. But, like, what bribes are you using?— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) August 6, 2018
Toddler: I help you.
Me: Sure! What do you want to help wi-
Toddler: *Dumps entire silverware drawer out*— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) August 7, 2018
At the public pool with the kids; we’ve been here for 17 minutes and 247 shouts of “Mom, watch this!” long.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 8, 2018
me [trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing] *takes a sip from my #1 Dad mug*
son *still waiting for me to pick him up after practice*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 5, 2018
“If you love someone, set them free.”
*releases my children into the wild (or backyard, whatever)*— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 7, 2018
6-year-old: Mashed potatoes make me sad.
Me: Why?
6: They should have been French fries.
Now I'm sad, too.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2018
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who wants to hear the original Macarena but you accidentally play the remix.
— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) August 7, 2018
*car's packed, kids are excited, everyone's ready to leave for a week at the beach*
*I plop onto couch*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Gonna stay home. I'm not really a joiner.
Wife:
Me: Have fun!— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 7, 2018
NEW MOM: *Knows exactly
how she is going to raise her
kids and what type of mom she
is going to be*
VETERAN MOM: *knows exactly
when she should re-hit the wine
store*— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) August 5, 2018
The best part of kids going back to school is I can play Fortnite again without getting killed so fast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 8, 2018
Amtrak conductor: "Ladies & Gentlemen, keep on your shoes. Parents, dress your children."
This woman knows the horrors of travel 😂— Ijeoma Oluo (@IjeomaOluo) August 4, 2018
Welcome to parenting. You can catch up on sleep on the weekends.
Just kidding, you’ll never feel well-rested for the rest of your life— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 6, 2018
Have kids so instead of love notes, your spouse can pass you a mouthful of chewed Cheetos and orange from your toddler to throw out the car window.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 9, 2018
“OK MOMMY IS GETTING IN THE SHOWER NOW PLEASE DON’T KILL EACH OTHER”
-My daily leap of faith— Janina Maria (@dontlosethekids) August 6, 2018
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
— TheAlexNevil: Likes Dogs, Cake, Reuniting Families (@TheAlexNevil) August 9, 2018
Starting to miss the kids after 3 days at grandma’s, so I put some syrup on my fingers and pressed them to the windows to make comfort handprints.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 9, 2018
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.