My Boyfriend Texted Another Woman at a Funeral
I fully trust my boyfriend of two years and I've never had a reason to doubt him. Recently, we went to a funeral and he received a text from a girl that said, "Hope today goes well xo." I know that's not a reason to be suspicious, but the text made it sound like they were previously chatting. (We went to the funeral in support of someone else, so it wasn't just obvious that we’d be going). I looked at his phone quickly one night (I know, I shouldn't have) and couldn't find those texts. I saw that they were deleted but also saw she sends him messages on Snapchat, and he likes all of her social media pictures. Recently, when he went to send a photo to my girlfriends, her name popped up on the list of recommended names. I brought it up with him, and he was just annoyed I looked at his phone and kept reiterating she has a boyfriend also. Am I crazy?
You’re not crazy. As the saying goes, sometimes you’re paranoid and they are really out to get you too.
If you’ve been together for two years, and there’s a mystery girl texting and Snapchatting him, then I do think you should worry. His explanation doesn’t exactly seal the deal: She has a boyfriend. Hmmmmm … And? Just because your boyfriend has a girlfriend, that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating or flirting inappropriately with someone else. Bottom line: Hell yes, it’s suspicious. He’s like a toddler with icing all over his face, saying, “What cake?”
Tell him you don’t want to give him a hard time but you’re concerned because you just don’t understand what’s going on: Who is this woman? Why is he Snapchatting her? Why is he deleting his text history? Why haven’t you heard of her over the last two years? Or met her? Most guys I know in committed relationships do not spend a lot of time Snapchatting and texting women, then deleting their conversations. As usual, the cover-up is more suspicious than the crime.
If you ask, he may not tell you the truth. But at least you’ll see how he reacts. If you don’t ask, you won’t have any chance to gather more info. (I do not recommend hacking and invading his privacy further.) I’ve got to ask one last question of you: You say you’ve “never had a reason to doubt him” but is that true? You had to have some reason to look at his phone in the first place? Have there been any other warning signs? What do your best friends think? Ask them for advice. Please question your assumption that he’s trustworthy.
I can’t tell you, for sure, that there’s anything inappropriate going on. But in answer to your question, I can tell you, absolutely, that you are not crazy to wonder.
I have been with my fiancé for over seven years and we're getting married in seven months, which I am really excited and happy about. We bought a house together five years ago and are very stable. We have three cats that we both love, and neither of us want to have kids. He likes to live life with a routine. He has a great job but he sometimes brings the work home with him. I'm a little nervous about what our future holds. He wants to stay grounded and stable. I love that about him, but I also want adventure and lots of sex! We've fallen into a routine and don't have sex as often as we used to, and I don't know how to spice things up. What should I do? Should I marry him?
Yes! Marry the hell out of him.
Look: If you’ve been with this guy for seven years, you love him, you love your life together, and you want the same kind of life, marry him. If the worst thing you can say about your relationship is that you’ve fallen into a routine, marry him.
Let’s look at this from his perspective: Do you think this guy doesn’t want to have more sex? I do not. Do you think he’d prefer less sex? I do not. Do you think he really hates adventure and would prefer a ho-hum routine? I doubt it. The bottom line: I bet your guy would be totally fine with some more adventure or sex (or adventurous sex, for that matter). But life is routines. There are some routines you can’t avoid: We all wake up, eat, work, and go back to sleep at some point. We are not faced with a blank page every morning that we can fill with a new romantic adventure. (Besides, that would be exhausting.)
Now here comes the clichéd, conventional wisdom part: If you want a healthy marriage, you’ve got to work at it. If you want more sex and fun, you’ve got to work at it. You’ve got to tell him what you want and what you expect your marriage to look like - and you might even have to take the lead if he’s more content with the way things are. If you want hot sex, you’ve got to let him know what you like. If you want adventures, you’ve got to propose something exciting. So tell him what turns you on but also show him what turns you on. If you want to be surprised, surprise him sometimes. It sounds like you love each other deeply and I bet he’ll return the favor - not every day, but some days.
So get married and keep working at it until you’re dead. As you do, remember that, even if you do work hard at building a sexy, adventurous marriage, sometimes it’s going to be completely boring. You’re going to have good days and bad days and days when you’re going to be so damn bored to tears by the routines of your life that you want to scream. Love and marriage don’t cancel out life’s everyday routines, but love and marriage can deepen them. So marry him. Fuck him a lot. Have lots of adventures. And remember that quiet nights on the couch with the person you love the most in the world aren’t so bad either.
I'm a student in a casual-sex relationship and our arrangement has been going great for several months. Recently, I planned to visit my straitlaced, conservative parents in the country, and he asked if he could see me one last time before I left. We lost track of time and my mother appeared outside my door exactly as we were in the middle of an intimate moment. We hastily dressed and dashed out the door to meet her under the pretense that I had asked him over to help me carry my heavy suitcase down the stairs. As we stepped out, without skipping a beat, my mother looked him dead in the eye and said calmly, "Hello, Malcolm." Needless to say, we were both dumbstruck. He was totally creeped out that my mother already knew his name. As it turns out, I had casually dropped his name during a conversation with my parents weeks prior, and, despite the fact that she had no idea what he looked like, my mother had remembered and presumed his identity because "That was the only n***** I remembered you associating with." I was absolutely horrified by this. How could she say that about anyone, let alone one of the sweetest, most considerate guys I've ever met? I'm still too embarrassed to tell Malcolm (who is mixed race) the real reason my mother recognized him that day. I'm scared that telling the truth would hurt his feelings or that he might think that I look at people the same way my racist parents do. Maybe we're not in a super-committed relationship, but I still care deeply about the guy and what he thinks of me. I haven't been answering his texts; I'm stuck between letting him think that I told my parents about our very, very, personal relationship or telling the offensive truth.
First things first: This may be a new situation for you. But racism is nothing new for your partner. You may be shocked, but if you tell him, I bet he won’t be. He may be hurt and disappointed. But he won’t be shocked and it will explain his suspicions about why your mother was acting so strangely when they met.
As ugly as this is, I think you should tell him. When in doubt, don’t lie. When it comes to racism, denial and repression don’t exactly have a great history of working.
You don’t have to share absolutely everything in a casual relationship, but this feels important just because it’s clearly upset you deeply and it’s going to be a significant issue if you keep dating. You say he’s a sweet, considerate gentleman, and though your relationship sounds fairly casual now, I get the sense that you really care about him. But, since you’ve been so upset over these comments that you’ve withdrawn, it sounds like you’re avoiding him. Just by making her racist thoughts clear, your mother has achieved her intended effect: She’s driven a wedge between you that’s pushing you further apart. So talk.
Here’s what you tell him: the truth. Tell him that you didn’t fully understand why your mother was acting so strangely. Tell him that you found out when you went home - that your mother is upset because you’re dating someone who isn’t white, and you know this because she referred to him with a racial slur.
Ugly as the truth may be, don’t avoid it. Just tell him that you think what she said - and apparently feels - is inexcusable, offensive, and indefensible. And tell him how it made you feel: Angry? Embarrassed? Upset? Confused? Tell him that you really don’t mean to hurt him by repeating such nonsense but it felt important. Tell him that you felt like you had to talk about it, because you didn’t want to hide something so big from him or lie on your parents' behalf. You might be tempted to make excuses for your parents or defend them. Don’t. This is just about them being indefensibly rude and racist to your boyfriend.
Now, here’s the thing: His feelings will be hurt. This sucks. But I’m guessing it would hurt him more, if you two dated for a long time and you hid this from him. If you lie to cover up your parents’ racism, you are, in a way, complicit.
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