8 Couples In Long-Term Relationships Reveal Their Secrets for Keeping Romance Alive
Most couples hope to keep the fires of romance burning forever, says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be Happy Partners. Sadly, studies show that after the first few years of marriage, couples often report a decline in affection, sexual activity, and feelings of satisfaction-in other words, they can't keep the spark lit. "The antidote is having well-established guidelines for spending intimate time together," says Tessina, who's also a Long Beach, CA-based psychotherapist. "It's important to have fun and enjoy a sexual relationship that enhances and brings excitement instead of boredom and discourse into the marriage."
Here, we spoke with eight couples whose relationships span from 15 to 53 years to get their secrets for keeping the flame burning bright.
15 years
Los Angeles residents Renner Davis and Lance Hawkins met 15 years ago on a chat line in the pre-dating-app era. Renner works days at a commercial real-estate company; Lance works evenings as a sound board operator and is lead singer and guitarist with The Palominos, a country music band. Making every minute of their scant time together is essential. "The key to any good relationship is communication," says Renner. "Don't keep things inside and never argue about money." To keep the flame burning, the couple has date nights and go on romantic cruises every chance they get.
29 years
Annette Gendler, author of Jumping Over Shadows: The True Story of a German Jewish Love That Overcame the Burdens of the Past and her husband Harry had an unlikely romance. He was a German Orthodox Jew, the son of Holocaust survivors; she was a Catholic American who grew up in Germany. They faced fierce opposition from his parents until she converted to Judaism, a decision she's never regretted. "From the beginning, our relationship was built on conversation, and there's not been a single day in 29 years when we haven't had a real dialogue," says the Chicago resident.
35 years
College sweethearts Echo and Kevin Garrett of Marietta, GA, met at Auburn University. On their first date, she prepared a home-cooked meal, and they quickly became inseparable. To keep the flame burning for 35 years, they take an interest in one another's passions, whether it's her career as a writer or his as a professional photographer.
Knowing her love of gardening, Kevin spent the last year constructing a rock garden in their sloped backyard made from granite stones he hand picked and hand carried from the site of an excavation project. Bird feeders, pocket gardens, fairy lights, and colorful eclectic furniture make it a romantic oasis. "I think of it as his love poem to me," says Echo.
43 years
Ruth and Bill Sneed of Pensacola, FL, who have been married 43 years, live by their motto, "Life is a journey." They've recently visited Turkey, Alaska, and Hawaii, where they renewed their wedding vows, but their favorite time together is spent in a small motor home with their two dogs. "We've visited all 50 states," says Ruth. "We started with a tent, progressed to a pop-up, a 21-inch motor home, and then a 28-footer, but I'd like to go bigger," says Bill.
"Little things mean a lot," says Ruth. "Bill never forgets my birthday, and we still love holding hands while walking and at the movies."
45 years
Deborah and Myron Brown of Charlotte, NC, met at Johnson C. Smith University and have laughed their way through 45 years of marriage. "We love to be silly with one another, and sometimes our daughters will say, 'Will you two grow up?'" Deborah says. "We tell them, 'no.' We like to cut up and have fun."
Every year the couple takes at least one trip to a remote mountain or beach cabin far away from civilization, but with romantic amenities like a hot tub. "We love to snuggle, watch movies, and just talk," she says.
45 years
Gayle Keck and Paul Herman of San Francisco met on a United Airlines flight to Chicago. "It was love at first flight," jokes Paul. "Keeping love alive for 45 years involves little things," says Gayle. "Paul writes me short love notes that he hides all over the house." She sneaks a stuffed monkey from their collection in his suitcase when he travels.
"We're often accused of being newlyweds because when we travel together, we kiss when the plane takes off and when it lands, and always hold hands. But our real secret is that each of us is president of the other's fan club," Paul says.
51 years
It was definitely not love at first sight for Joyce and Charlie Finn of Bluffton, SC. "I was eager to get out of an abusive home, and thought the marriage would last five months," says Joyce. "It's been 51 years and counting." An opportunity to live in Australia changed their trajectory. "The long distance from home without a support system kept the marriage together," she says.
Their secrets? "Cultivate a poor memory," says Joyce. "Forgive, forget, and move on. Recognize that there will be times when you like your spouse, but aren't madly in love, and vice versa. Accept both." Every year on their anniversary, the couple reviews their marriage and recommits. "It's our way of saying we'd do it all over again," says Joyce.
53 years
Nancy and Ken Kopp of Manhattan, KS, met when four female teachers lived in an upstairs apartment and four bachelors lived below. "His proposal is a secret," Nancy confides. "Even our children don't know the story."
They credit their long, loving relationship to Friday night dates. "We always dress up and truly feel we're on a date," Nancy says. "He tells me, 'Even after these 53 years, I still enjoy taking you out.' Friends insist I post details on Facebook and one claims she lives vicariously through our dates." At home, they give one another gentle touches when they pass in the hall. "I think we're more in love now than when we married," Nancy says.
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