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40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship

Charlotte Andersen

April 19, 2017 at 3:38 PM

<p>Don't let these sneaky behaviors torpedo your marriage.</p>

<p>"When a relationship moves to a new level and the commitment strengthens, some people may get nervous and subconsciously try to sabotage it by looking for a way out, like if your significant other wants to introduce you to their family and all you can think of is reasons you can't make it." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.dionmetzgermd.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Dion Metzger;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Dion Metzger</em></a><em>, M.D., relationship expert, psychiatrist, and author</em></p><p><span><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3701/relationship-red-flags/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:57 Major Relationship Red Flags to Watch Out For;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">57 Major Relationship Red Flags to Watch Out For</a></strong></span></p>

You Hold Grudges

<p>"A way to sabotage your relationship is to play mind games. A common one is 'gaslighting', where you mess with their reality in an effort to make the other person feel crazy. Even if it's not intentional, telling them that their experience is not valid can have terrible consequences for both your partner and your relationship." —<em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.innovcounseling.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Mayi Dixon;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Mayi Dixon</a>,</em><em> relationship specialist </em></p>

<p>"Paranoia is the number one sign of self-sabotage. If you become paranoid and your partner feels like they are doing nothing wrong, this will cause them to become suspicious of <em>you. </em>This can turn into a vicious cycle of blame and doubt." —<em>Steve Ward, CEO of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://mastermatchmakers.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Master Matchmakers;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Master Matchmakers</em></a><em> and founder of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://lovelab.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Love Lab;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Love Lab</em></a></p>

<p>"If you're a perfectionist who constantly looks for imperfections to criticize in your partner, then you'll feel like nothing is ever good enough. This feeling can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy where they feel like they'll never be good enough for you — and so they stop trying." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.drfranwalfish.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Fran Walfish;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Fran Walfish</em></a><em>, Ph.D., family and relationship psychotherapist, author of </em>The Self-Aware Parent<em>, and co-star on WE tv's </em>Sex Box</p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4296/34-alternatives-to-couples-therapy-that-strengthen-your-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:34 Alternatives to Couples Therapy That Will Strengthen Your Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">34 Alternatives to Couples Therapy That Will Strengthen Your Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"You may think you're just preparing for the worst by hedging your bets. But when you don't show up fully, hold back emotionally, or are not there for your partner, then that shows you only have one foot in the relationship and the other is already out the door." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://BarrySelby.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Barry Selby;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Barry Selby</em></a><em>, relationship attraction expert, author, and inspirational speaker</em></p>

<p>"Comparing your relationship against others, especially ones you've had with previous partners, is a dangerous game. If you feel like your current relationship isn't as good as your last one, it will sabotage the relationship you're in." —<i>Selby</i></p>

<p><span>"When you create an unrealistic expectation for your partner, you set them up to fail. When they inevitably fail you, it confirms your suspicion and you blame your partner for the relationship failure. The irony is that you sabotaged the relationship by failing to set healthy boundaries and realistic expectations from the beginning." </span><span>—</span><em>Clarissa Silva, behavioral Scientist and author of relationship blog </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://yourejustadumbass.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:You're Just a Dumbass;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">You're Just a Dumbass</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"The number one person we lie to is ourselves. Sometimes the idea of being in a relationship has more value to us than compatibility in the relationship, equity in the relationship, or just plain happiness. That can create illusions that you're in a healthy relationship because you choose not to see the bad. Even though you we might not be aware of it consciously, subconsciously you're compensating for the elements that are missing. On the surface, it becomes a perfectly fine relationship but underneath the problems still exist and only get worse when you don't address them." —</span><em>Silva</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Many people just assume their partner understands their thoughts and intentions. This is rarely the case. Make sure your intentions behind your words and actions are clear. If you're feeling rejected, your partner likely reads that as mad or moody rather than vulnerable." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.lynnzakeri.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Lynn R. Zakeri;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Lynn R. Zakeri</em></a><em>, a marriage counselor in Chicago, IL</em></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g3661/things-to-never-do-in-a-healthy-relationship/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:53 Things You Should Never Do In a Healthy Relationship;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">53 Things You Should Never Do In a Healthy Relationship</a></strong><br></p>

<p>"Having an affair or stepping out of the marriage is the number one way people sabotage their own relationship. It's a violation of the commitment, but even more than that, it is a violation of trust — and the cornerstone for any successful relationship is trust." —<em>Janis and Carly Spindel, mother and daughter relationship coaches and founders of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.janisspindelmatchmaking.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Serious Matchmakers;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>The Serious Matchmakers</em></a></p>

<p><span>"When you take everything personally in your relationship, it makes everything about you rather than your partner or relationship. A relationship is about two committed people who are ready to give selflessly. Taking things personally result in conflicts and communication problems which may in turn push the couple apart." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.kemisogunle.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Kemi Sogunle;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Kemi Sogunle</em></a><em>, certified professional coach, life and relationship expert, and international speaker and author</em></p>

<p><span>"We all have scripts — very powerful self-talk that runs on a continuous loop in our minds — that affects how we perceive our relationships. And too often these internal narratives are inherently self-sabotaging. For instance, if you constantly feel like a victim or martyr in your relationship, your perception may turn that into your reality. Be very aware of the stories you tell yourself and take control of your own situation." — <i>—<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.facebook.com/AnjhulaMya" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Anjhula Mya Singh Bais;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Anjhula Mya Singh Bais</em></a><em>, Ph.D., psychologist</em></i></span></p>

<p>"When you don't keep small promises about things like calling, texting, or being on time, you sabotage your relationship. It's even worse if you minimize the problem when your partner brings it up by saying they are overreacting or even 'acting crazy.' You may think being 10 minutes late isn't a big deal, but if it happens repeatedly, it shows you don't take the concerns of your partner seriously." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.JBDCounseling.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Julienne Derichs;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Julienne Derichs</em></a><em>, couples counselor at Couples Counseling Today in Chicago, IL</em></p>

<p><span>"A classic self-sabotaging scenario is when a person who is suffering from low self-esteem projects onto their partner their feelings of self-loathing, perhaps hoping their partner will fix them. But eventually this can cause your partner to accept or even adopt your low opinion of yourself! This behavior is oftentimes done unconsciously, out of a place of fear. You don't have to be a braggart but don't put yourself down all the time. And don't expect your partner to be your primary source of good self-esteem." <i>—<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.chantelcohen.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Chantel Cohen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Chantel Cohen</em></a><em>, owner of CWC Coaching and Therapy in Atlanta, GA</em></i></span></p><p><strong>RELATED: </strong><strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/g595/happy-marriage-secrets/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:13 Secrets for a Strong, Happy Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">13 Secrets for a Strong, Happy Marriage</a></strong><br></p>

<p><span>"Jealousy and wanting to control the other person are powerful ways people sabotage their own happiness in a relationship. It may feel like you're just trying to hold onto your partner but it will ultimately push them away." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://www.drmelaniegreenberg.biz" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Melanie Greenberg;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Melanie Greenberg</em></a><em>, Ph.D., psychologist and couples therapist in Mill Valley CA and author of </em>The Stress-Proof Brain</p>

<p><span>"Putting other things, like work or children, ahead of your relationship is an incredibly common way people sabotage their own happiness. What you fail to celebrate will eventually deteriorate, so by neglecting to prioritize your relationship you're dooming it to failure. You don't always have to put your partner first, but you need to make sure they are often getting the best parts of you and not just the tired, cranky person at the end of the day." </span><em>—Farkas</em></p>

<p>"You have likely experienced some very challenging and heart-wrenching things over the course of your lifetime and over your relationship, yet the ability to differentiate between forgiving and forgetting are subtle and profound. Some people think staying in the relationship is proof they have forgiven. However, in a moment of rage or tipsy anger, the past hurts can bubble up again, showing that things are really not resolved. This inability to truly let the past go will sabotage your current relationship." —<i>Bais</i></p>

<p><span>"Drinking alcohol or taking drugs are sadly common ways people self-sabotage their life and relationships. They use chemicals for comfort, instead of their partner. You might begin to notice a daily habit of wine, vodka, or pills. It starts off so easy, so innocent, but this is the beginning of a disaster. Drugs and alcohol are just band-aids and will kill a relationship." <span>—</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.askaudreynow.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Audrey Hope;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Audrey Hope</em></a><em>, relationship expert, host of the </em>Hope For Relationships<em> show and an addiction therapist at Seasons In Malibu rehab facility</em></span></p>

<p><span>"Something I see a lot in my counseling practice is individuals who say that he/she wants to communicate better with their partner and then proceed to explain that they have not spoken to their partner in week. The very thing that they say that they want is the thing that they take away from their partner, using silence as a punishment or weapon. The silent treatment hurts both parties in the relationship and it is self-sabotaging for the one doing it." —<i>Cohen</i></span></p><p><strong>RELATED: <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/life/news/g3545/divorce-signs-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:10 Signs Your Marriage May Be Doomed;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">10 Signs Your Marriage May Be Doomed</a></strong></p>

<p><span>"One surefire way to sabotage your relationship is chronic lying. What many don't realize is that it can start with an innocent little white lie. Whether in hope of protecting your partner's feelings or to hide your own guilt or shame, lying has no place in a relationship if you value honesty and trust, and, let's face it, your relationship in general." —</span><em>Joshua Uebergang, life and relationship coach at </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.towerofpower.com.au" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Tower of Power;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Tower of Power</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"One very typical sign of self-sabotage is focusing more on what's wrong rather than what's right with your partner. Since humans tend to find what they look for through confirmation bias, if you are constantly focusing on the negative in the relationship, then you will only see a bad relationship." —</span><em>Gabriella I. Farkas, Ph.D., psychiatrist at Hofstra Northwell School of Medicine at The Zucker Hillside Hospital</em></p>

<p><span>"Picking a lot of little fights and being adversarial with your partner, often as a way to provoke a reaction from them, is a big way I see people sabotage themselves in their relationship. If you're looking for an excuse for conflict, you'll find it." —</span><em>Bette Alkazian, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.balancedparenting.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Balanced Parenting;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Balanced Parenting</a><br></p>

<p><span>"You may think you're 'just looking' or that it's all a game, but surfing dating, hookup, affair, or other 'indiscreet' sites is one way to seriously sabotage your relationship. It can lead to an affair and even if it's not physical, emotional affairs can be just as damaging." —</span><em>David Kaplan, Ph.D., Chief Professional Officer for the </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.counseling.org/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:American Counseling Association;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">American Counseling Association</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Many people use 'being busy' as a way to run away, hide from, and avoid talking about issues. This type of denial is the greatest means of sabotage. You hide in all your activities and hope that things will just heal themselves, but it's just a disaster for a relationship."</span><span> —<i>Hope</i></span></p>

<p>"Sabotage is tricky. We are very good at lying to ourselves. It's easier to spot if you look at your patterns and behavior over the long-term. If you find yourself nitpicking your new partner, stop and reflect and say something like 'this is month three. And I tend to start to get rid of people I like around this time.' You have to look at your behavior, and ask yourself 'have I done this in the past?'" —<em>Daniel Packard, relationship coach and founder and lead trainer at the </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://loveathlete.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Love Athlete Academy;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Love Athlete Academy</a></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Withholding love and affection from your partner is self-sabotage. This may be a deliberate power-play act because you're upset with them, or it may be unconscious because you have deeper issues or needs you aren't able to communicate. But by withholding physical intimacy, you are sabotaging one of the most important bonds within a relationships. It's a sign you need to look deeper into the problem, whether within yourself or within the relationship." —</span><em>Uebergang</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Self-sabotage tends to show up when things are going well in a relationship. A lot of times this happens when a person has had bad experiences in prior relationships, either romantic or in their own family. They can feel like when things are going well, they don't deserve it or something is wrong. So when things go well, the person will act in a way that makes the relationship difficult. They may stop returning phone calls, start nit-picking their partner, or even calling their partner names. This is all in an attempt to 'get what they deserve,' which they think is an unhappy relationship." —</span><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.mikefraziermd.com" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Mike Frazier;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Mike Frazier</em></a><em>, M.D., psychiatrist and couples therapist</em></p>

<p>"There is normal I'm-a-human neediness and then there is <em>neediness</em>. Sometimes being too needy is a sign of insecurity and the sabotaging might come in the form of pushing someone until they break. For the person that is feeling insecure, nothing is enough and they will push their partner until he or she says they are in the wrong or can't give them what they need." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://drnikki.com.au/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Nikki Goldstein;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Nikki Goldstein</em></a><em>, Ph.D., sexologist and author of </em>Single But Dating — A Field Guide to Dating In the Digital Age</p><p><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4098/signs-you-should-get-a-divorce/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:9 Signs It's Time to Get a Divorce;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>9 Signs It's Time to Get a Divorce</strong></a></p>

<p>"It's one thing to exchange holiday cards or occasionally chat with an ex, but it's entirely different to keep thinking about past relationships or regularly keep in touch with an ex. A big warning sign that you are using your ex to sabotage to your current relationship is when you say the old relationship isn't important to you yet you refuse to give it up. Time that you give to previous lovers take away from your present one." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.davidsimonsen.net/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:David Simonsen;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>David Simonsen</em></a><em>, Ph.D., couples therapist</em></p>

<p><span>"Another very common way relationships are hurt is when one or both partners are afraid to express their feelings. For example, let's say you're hurt about something your partner said, but you're afraid to say anything because you aren't sure how he'll take it and you don't want to cause conflict. Often, that can shut down communication in your relationship — plus, you're not really being true to yourself. Rather than saying, 'You made me feel bad,' it's usually more effective to use 'I' language: 'I'm not comfortable with that comment you made.' He'll be less likely to feel criticized when you're just talking about your feelings rather than making it his fault." —</span><em>Edelman</em><br></p>

<p><span>"Whether it's a hobby you love, a job you're dedicated to, or a friend group you spend all your time with, creating a life without your partner will sabotage your relationship. If you aren't happy in your relationship, oftentimes people will look elsewhere for a connection." </span><em><span>—</span><em>Erika Boissiere, founder of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.trisf.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Relationship Institute of San Francisco;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Relationship Institute of San Francisco</a></em></em><br></p>

<p><span>"Sabotaging relationships happens naturally when we have a lot of shame. We think we're not worthy of our partner and deep down we think it won't work anyhow so we have to end it. Manage your shame and you won't sabotage relationships. How do you know if shame is your root problem? Dishonesty and holding in resentments are two manifestations of this shame." —</span><em>Mark Derian, male psychology expert and author of </em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://animusempire.com/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Animus Empire;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Animus Empire</a><br></p>

<p><span>"A common way people self-sabotage is by talking to everyone about their partner—except their partner. If you're confiding in your friends about shortcomings in your relationship without speaking to your partner directly it's time to ask yourself why." —</span><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://devinpricemft.com/michelene-wassil-mfti/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Wasil;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">Wasil</a></em></p><p><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/a49639/a-week-in-the-life-of-an-open-marriage/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:A Week In the Life of An Open Marriage;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>A Week In the Life of An Open Marriage</strong></a></p>

<p>"When there is a defined boundary in the relationship, you sabotage yourself when you break it. Even if you apologize, if you continue to set yourself up to break this boundary it shows you don't care much about your partner's feelings." —<em>Simonsen</em></p>

<p><span>"Some people will 'stay mad' at their partner for days in an attempt to either punish them or ward off the difficult conversation that needs to happen. While healthy distance can help cool down a fight, if you're staying mad to punish your partner or make them 'pay,' you're most likely self-sabotaging your relationship." —</span><em>Boissiere</em><br></p>

<p>"Staying adamant about things having to be your way because you know better and are right is way to sabotage your relationship. Not having compassion or openness to your partner's ideas is serious problem. Just because they don't agree with you does not mean the other person is wrong or less than you." —<span><em>Kristina Orlova</em></span><em>, a family therapist in San Francisco, CA</em></p>

<p>"Spending too much time on technology can self-sabotage your relationship. If you're on the computer all day at work and then you come home to turn it on again, you must ask yourself if you're doing this because you have pressing work to do or if are you trying to avoid your partner. Technology provides endless distraction, but if you're using it to escape interacting with your partner, that's a problem." —<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://devinpricemft.com/michelene-wassil-mfti/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Michelene Wasil;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><em>Michelene Wasil</em></a><em> of Preventative Health for Happy Families</em></p>

<p><span>"Not receiving love is a relatively unknown way that people self-sabotage. This means that your spouse could be giving you all kinds of love — verbal affection, gifts, physical touch, you name it — and you still cannot or will not take it in. It's important to be aware of how you may be rejecting love and explore what may be causing your inability to internalize your partner's love for you." —</span><em>Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, licensed clinical professional counselor, certified Imago relationship therapist, and founder of </em><em><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.themarriagerestorationproject.com/marriage-intensives" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:The Marriage Restoration Project;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link ">The Marriage Restoration Project</a></em><br></p><p><strong>RELATED: </strong><a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4275/divorce-throughout-history/" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:What Getting a Divorce Was Like Every Decade Since the 1900s;elm:context_link;itc:0;sec:content-canvas" class="link "><strong>What Getting a Divorce Was Like Every Decade Since the 1900s</strong></a><br></p>

Don't let these sneaky behaviors torpedo your marriage.

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