29 Funny Tweets That Sum Up Weekends As A Married Couple

Kelsey Borresen
·6 min read

Once you’re married, weekends start to look a bit different than they did in the early days of your relationship — especially if you have kids.

Gone are the Saturdays and Sundays spent lounging around the house during the day and getting dressed up for dates at night. Now your weekends likely consist of errands, house projects, early bedtimes and arguments over inane things. It may not be as relaxing or as flashy as the days of yore but there’s something enjoyable about it all when you’re doing it alongside someone you love.

Below are 29 hilariously accurate tweets about weekends as a married couple.

I told my husband he can’t do yard work every weekend because we need to make memories while the kids are young, so now apparently we’ll be cleaning out the gutters as a family next weekend

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 9, 2023 ">

This is a great weekend to clean out the garage, according to my wife and other people who won’t be cleaning the garage.

— The Dad (@thedad) May 27, 2023 ">

My husband: Wanna clean the house this weekend?

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Him: ...

Me: Oh my God you were serious

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 31, 2019 ">

this weekend we power washed the outside of our house because we know how to keep the marriage spark alive

— nika (@nikalamity) October 15, 2023 ">

Spending the weekend painting our bedroom because my husband and I felt like it had been too long since we’d fought about how much paint to use before refilling the roller and who takes too many breaks to drink coffee.

— Tori Fletcher (@hellotorifletch) March 13, 2021 ">

Ah yes, the first NFL Sunday of the year, the day I sit on the couch with my wife while she watches every single football game and I scroll Instagram to see which WNBA players are flirting with each other.

— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) September 12, 2021 ">

My husband got tickets for a Saturday night event that has us out past midnight and I’m not sure this is what I signed up for when we got married because that is way past my bedtime.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 14, 2023 ">

My husband thinks I let him sleep in on the weekends because he works all week but really, it's because I'd rather drink my morning coffee in silence.

— Ｍｏｍｚｉｌｌａ (@milliondollrfam) March 30, 2019 ">

Wife asks if you're planning to do anything on Saturday🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) October 14, 2021 ">

WIFE: [watching me unwrap a 10th piece of candy] how many of those are you going to eat?

ME: it’s the weekend, this is how i party now

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 7, 2020 ">

My wife said we need to “evaluate the garage” so there goes my weekend

— McDad (@mcdadstuff) February 24, 2024 ">

Making Sunday breakfast before marriage: Cute and fun

Making Sunday breakfast after marriage and kids: Rage beating eggs and passive aggressively burning bacon

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) March 29, 2020 ">

Let's get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid's birthday party where everyone coughs.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 27, 2024 ">

Every Sunday my husband glares at me because I don’t change out of pjs but at the end of the week I have less laundry so I win

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 9, 2020 ">

It's 9:15 on Saturday night.

Pajamas?

Check.

Generic Oreos?

Check.

$6 champagne?

Check.

Married date night in progress. pic.twitter.com/Wdae0Q5c0p

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 5, 2017 ">

My wife deleted her Facebook app and now I don’t know which events I’ll go to on the weekend

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 22, 2020 ">

Going to surprise my wife and kids with a little Saturday shopping trip, hope they like buying mulch.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 14, 2024 ">

The best way to work out on a Sunday is by rage-vacuuming while your spouse naps, which burns way more calories than regular weekday vacuuming.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 25, 2022 ">

Husband and I like to spend our weekends shouting ‘what did you say?!’ from another room

— MumInBits (@MumInBits) August 19, 2019 ">

If it's Friday and your wife leaves the tape measure out, cancel your weekend plans.

— dADDisms (@Beagz) April 2, 2021 ">

My husband chose this weekend to attempt to build a stone patio for his grill. Anyhoooo I’m just watching him destroy our backyard two days before an outdoor party we are throwing. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Perfectly. Fine.

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) May 7, 2022 ">

10: Can we go to the science center instead of hiking this weekend?

Husband: No, we can't change plans.

10: Why not?

Husband:

Husband: Because they're your mom's plans.

— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) August 21, 2021 ">

The biggest lie my wife & I tell ourselves is this will be the weekend we remember to donate those boxes of clothes

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 17, 2022 ">

my husband: I need to take it easy this weekend

also, my husband: I’m just going to cut down the tree in the front yard

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 27, 2023 ">

I caught my wife looking at paint samples, so I could really use everyone’s thoughts and prayers as it’s far too early to tell what this means for my weekend

— The Dad (@thedad) June 20, 2023 ">

My husband planned back-to-back activities for us this weekend like he forgot we’re both introverts.

— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) October 20, 2023 ">

9 out of 10 people agree that we’re a really fun household at the weekends as husband and I take turns to announce which household task we’re suffering next.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) January 14, 2024 ">

I am my most ninja-like when my wife is still sleeping peacefully on weekend mornings, as I try to soundlessly slip out of the bedroom. While, on the rare occasions that I get to sleep in, she manages to leave the room with all the quiet grace of a 1970s Led Zeppelin hotel visit.

— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) February 17, 2024 ">

my husband asked me for a divorce this weekend. I mean, he suggested we put peel and stick tiles on the ceiling, so, same-same

— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 5, 2023 ">

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